


Rakret H’ssti’er or Whatever They Call It Now

by TiredofOldUsernamesMF



Series: Rakret H'ssti'er Verse: The Continuing Adventures [1]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cardassian Culture, Drama, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Obsidian Order, Smut, Tags May Change, Warnings May Change, first attempt at writing smut, no beta we die like men, overprotective lizard bfs, throughout season 3, typical angst, will try to avoid getting graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:08:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 27
Words: 54,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24751363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiredofOldUsernamesMF/pseuds/TiredofOldUsernamesMF
Summary: Trying to make a relationship work can be hard at the best of times, but Human/Cardassian is especially difficult, as a completely new combination. Add in the issues of power dynamics in Cardassian relationships and a former spy having so many enemies that he doesn't know how many of them are dead, and, well...every other relationship is easy by comparison.CW: The Obsidian Order gets involved and they're not nice. Unless it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, the violence/torture will not be described in any detail.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Series: Rakret H'ssti'er Verse: The Continuing Adventures [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1827664
Comments: 160
Kudos: 141





	1. What's So Different?

“Julian, are you alright?”

“You haven’t said a word since we left the simulation.”

“I’m alright.”

He couldn’t tell them. They wouldn’t understand. He didn’t understand. He would’ve been hurt if he’d lost anyone. If it’d been Jadzia that those Jem’Hadar had gunned down, he would’ve grieved. 

But, this was different. When he thought Garak was dead, it was like something, something vital, had been ripped out of his chest.

To see Garak at his most brilliant, saving their lives, and then seeing him struck down, gone forever after a single line, addressing him, of course…

“Julian, you’re shaking.”

Jadzia and Miles kept trying to reach him. He could hear their voices. But, he couldn’t bring himself to answer. He was tired, overwhelmed, and in no mood to talk to anyone.

When they returned to the station, Julian intended to go straight to his own quarters. He needed to rest. He was exhausted. He didn’t intend to go to Garak’s quarters. He could easily see him in the morning. But, his feet carried him in the wrong direction. He found himself waiting to be let into the home of a man who’d probably been sleeping. He wouldn’t want to be disturbed. This was stupid. Why was he here?

But, Garak answered the door, clearly having just gotten out of bed, but not seeming to be offended about it.

“Doctor? What’s the matter. Are you ill?”

“I…I had to see you…I needed to see that you were alright. I…I know I’m not making sense. I should go. I…”

“No. Come in. You’re not going anywhere until I know what this is about.”

Why did he care? It obviously wasn’t important. But, he was determined, so Julian managed to get himself to do what he’d wanted to do in the first place and followed Garak into his quarters.

“Make yourself at home. I’ll get us some tea.”

Julian sat down on a not-particularly-comfortable sofa and stared at the floor until Garak returned, placing a mug in front of him.

“Now, since I know you wouldn’t wake me up at this hour with something trivial, what do you so urgently need to tell me?”

It took way too long for Julian to find words at all. When he finally did, they came out half-formed.

“I…I’m not sure I can tell you. I might not be allowed to. It’s about the mission we just returned from. Something happened and…”

“And you don’t want your Commander to lose trust in you by giving classified information to some ‘Cardassian spy’.”

“It does seem like something I obviously shouldn’t be doing.”

“And yet, here you are.”

“The Founders trapped us in some kind of simulation. They wanted to learn about us. For some reason, they included you in the simulation. It was made from information extracted from our minds and I guess one of us must’ve thought of you enough for the simulation to think it had to include you.”

“Exactly who among you was in this simulation?”

“Me, Commander Sisko, Jadzia, and Miles.”

“I highly doubt Chief O’Brien would think to include me on such an important mission unless I was some sort of villain.”

“You weren’t. You were helping us. You really were just sort of…there, helping out, as if you worked with Starfleet all the time.”

“I can’t think of anyone who’d imagine me that way.”

“You pulled some trick on a group of Jem’Hadar, pretending to turn on the rest of us. But, right after the shooting started…you were…you were shot in the chest.”

“Really? How clumsy of me.”

Garak’s attempts to lighten the mood weren’t working. Julian could still see what happened in the simulation perfectly when he closed his eyes.

“I saw you die, Garak. Good god…I saw you die! I tried to save you, of course, but there was nothing I could do. I dropped my weapon and crossed through the line of enemy fire unprotected. I…you died in my arms. Sisko had to physically drag me off of your body. I didn’t want to let go. Why? What’s so different about you?”

He was shaking again. He nearly spilled his tea.

“Doctor.”

Julian realized that he’d been talking a lot and breathing very little. He looked at Garak. He didn’t look annoyed or frustrated. He didn’t exactly look happy, nor did he look completely calm, but Julian couldn’t tell. He’d interpreted Human facial expressions wrong before, so Cardassians, especially ones like Garak, were impossible.

“What?”

“Are you alright?”

“Yes. Of course I am.”

Nobody ever wanted a true answer to that sort of question.

“You’re not a very good liar, Doctor. Honesty will suffice for now.”

Okay, maybe some people did want the truth when they asked that sort of question.

“Fine. I’m obviously not alright. I feel like an idiot.”

Garak’s expression changed, but it was still impossible for Julian to read. For some reason, he thought he saw a hint of a smile. Garak smiling wasn’t unusual at all, but Julian had only just now realized that hadn’t smiled at all in the past few minutes. 

Garak also took an abnormally long time before speaking.

“You ask what’s so different about me. I’ve often asked the same thing about you. Your optimism, your Federation values, your terrible taste in literature…those things would annoy me in any other person, but not you.”

“So we both mean something unique to each other?”

“Something you’ve only noticed now, after three years.”

“And how long did it take you?”

“Doctor, you meant something unique to me from nearly the first moment I saw you in the replimat. At first, you were an amusement in a place with very few amusements. When I first approached you, I enjoyed watching you stutter, trying to get information from me. I enjoyed that the man I’d heard about, the one that people said was bold and too confident for his own good, was acting like a shy schoolboy in my presence. I enjoyed that jolt that seemed to go through you when I touched you.”

“So, I started out as an amusement. Then what happened?”

“I found a use for you as a go-between to give information to the Federation when I needed to. I thought I would have to have a use for you as an excuse to see you. Nobody here would want to be alone with a Cardassian for very long, especially if they believed him to be an enemy spy.

But, once I realized that you were actually intelligent, I had no problem considering you a friend. I certainly needed one. I’d almost forgotten what it was like. But, then there was all that business with my implant and you became an enigma to me.”

“How? You were the one being enigmatic.”

“I gave you every reason to abandon me and you didn’t. At first I dismissed as smug, typical Federation behavior, but it isn’t. Your precious Federation is rife with hypocrisy. They only care about saving lives that they can assimilate. If I was sympathetic to the Federation, I’d be rewarded for it. But, you weren’t being kind purely to spread the gospel of Federation values. Somehow, that really is simply who you are. I’ve met kind people before, but your combination of amusement, intelligence, and kindness feels quite unique. Despite everything, everything I’ve been taught, everything I’ve ever believed in, I’ve grown disturbingly attached to you.”

“If you’re being honest, I don’t know why you’re telling me this. If you’re lying, I don’t know why you’re telling me something so hard to believe.”

“You still don’t understand, do you? I should really just tell you. Maybe it’s not the right time, with you in such distress. And yet, perhaps you’d like to know entirely because of that distress. I never expected to directly say anything about this.”

“Are you just talking to yourself now?”

“How do I put this? Now that I have reason to believe that you might feel the same way, I have nothing to lose.”

“Garak?”

Garak closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Julian could tell that he was about to say something difficult for him, so it most likely involved telling the truth, but that was all Julian could figure out.”

“Julian.”

“Yes? Wait. Did you just call me ‘Julian’? You’ve never done that before.”

“Come here, Julian.”

At this point, he could think of nothing to do but play along. He was around 93.8% sure that it wouldn’t kill him. He walked up to the chair that Garak was sitting in and Garak stood to meet him.

“What is it?”

Garak gently placed his hands on Julian’s shoulders then slid them down his arms to his hands. Julian felt a shiver go through him, quite like how he’d felt when Garak put his hands on his shoulder in the replimat when they first met. Garak took Julian’s hands and laced their fingers together. He moved slowly, watching to see how he’d react.

“Do you know what this means, Julian?”

Julian shook his head. None of the books Garak had given him ever described anyone doing anything like this. Garak smiled, his eyes beginning to glow in a way that made it seem genuine, but also like something dangerous.

“On some level, I think you do. Your face is changing color. But, if you really don’t know, then allow me to translate.”

Julian didn’t even have time to blink before their lips were together. At first, he didn’t know how to respond. Did he like this? Did he want this? He’d never dated a man before. He’d thought about it, but it never went any further than that. When Garak moved his hands back to his shoulders, once again bringing up the memory of their first meeting, Julian made up his mind and started kissing back. He did like this. He did want this. Not only was Garak alive and well, they were closer than they’d ever been. Julian wanted to be even closer and then their chests were touching. He could feel Garak’s heartbeat against his own chest. Very much alive.

The pleasure of that first kiss was more emotional than sexual to Julian. The second was more of both. He learned that Cardassian tongues were lighter than Human ones, more like lizard tongues, which made sense. Garak’s tongue almost tickled his at first. But, what it lacked in strength, it made up for in force. It was like one of their debates, tongue clashing against tongue.

When Garak pulled back, Julian immediately tried to kiss him again, only to be stopped.

“As much as we’re both enjoying this, it’s very late. I’m afraid that if this progressed any further, I’d end up falling asleep on top of you, which isn’t very polite.”  
“We’re both exhausted. In fact, I’m so tired that I don’t know if I’ll be able to walk all the way back to my quarters without collapsing in the hallway.”

“Do you think you could make it to the other room? I could use an extra source of heat while sleeping.”

“So, you’ve found another use for me, then?”

“Are you complaining?”

“Not at all.”

And there was nothing more to complain about that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing Challenge 1: Garak and Julian never stop talking. There needs to be narration. They need to be doing things as well as saying things. But, the Won't. Stop. Talking.


	2. The Woman's Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian realizes that he knows absolutely nothing about Cardassian relationships and seeks out information.
> 
> Who would've guessed that teenage gossip would be more informative than classic literature?

Over the next few months, surprisingly little happened. Nobody would’ve been able to tell that anything had changed. Garak and Julian still met each other for lunch only once a week and the conversations they had were no different from the ones they’d had previously. They told no one about their relationship. Garak didn’t really have anyone to tell and Julian wasn’t sure what sort of reaction the news would receive.

The only major difference was a change in evening routine. Late at night, once everyone had returned to their quarters and the halls were deserted, Julian would go to Garak’s quarters. Sometimes they’d talk, sometimes they’d have tea, but they usually went straight to bed. Going to bed still meant only sleeping. Julian had suggested maybe doing other things, but Garak would always say that it wasn’t a good time and would never explain why it wasn’t a good time.

Despite his reluctance in the bedroom, Garak’s behavior had changed. Julian noticed that during their lunches together, he kept looking around the room, more obviously observing everyone there. He started waiting for Julian outside the infirmary instead of in his shop, escorting him to and from the replimat. When they went to bed, he spent a lot of time looking at a padd. Once, after he’d fallen asleep, Julian inspected the padd and found detailed information on several people that he regularly saw in the replimat. It seemed that Garak was running background checks on half the station, making careful note of anyone who was hostile towards the Federation or might go after a Human for even willingly associating with a Cardassian.

Julian had no idea what to make of any of this. Was Garak’s behavior a personality quirk of his or common in all Cardassian relationships? Learning anything about Cardassians was virtually impossible. Examining their literature didn’t help. The characters were all so bland that their relationships seemed shallow. No one seemed to love anything but the state, so how they truly felt for their spouses, children, siblings, parents, and so on remained an absolute mystery.

Garak insisted that Cardassians cared very much about family and children, but that seemed to refer mostly to bloodline and genetics. Family was about social class and children were about continuing the existence of the species. It was expected that a Cardassian citizen be loyal to the state above their family, sending their own brothers to their deaths if necessary. 

What did anything other than Cardassia mean to Cardassians?

Well, if Cardassian literature said nothing helpful and no other sources of information were available, all he could do was ask a Cardassian. But, Garak was the only Cardassian around to ask and he wouldn’t explain anything. Would he really have to take the risk of asking a complete stranger?

On a medical conference, Julian found his answer. A group of Cardassian medical students was attending the conference, a bunch of teenage girls from Lakarian City. They weren’t all that different from Human girls their age. They cared little for politics or the rules their parents set for them, and they loved to gossip. Adolescent gossip would teach him more about Cardassian everyday life than their literature. All he had to do was eavesdrop.

“Esa, have you been seeing anyone?”

“Behind your backs? Why would I?”

“Maybe you’re worried that it’ll get back to your father.”

“Unlike you, Nagim, I happen to have very open-minded parents. What about you? What secrets are you keeping from them?”

“Do you really expect me to just start bragging about him in public?”

“So there’s a him, then?”

“I confess. His name’s Setek.”

“You’re not on a first name basis yet?”

“Oh no. We’re not even together, really. He’s just been courting me shamelessly!”

“Details. How old is he? What’s his profession?”

“He’s twenty-five.”

“Just twenty-five?”

“I’m still too young for anything more.”

“I bet that’s what your mother would say.”

“Shut up. Anyway, he’s a soldier.”

“No way.”

“He’s gonna be a Glinn someday, at least.”

“I wouldn’t settle for anything less that a Legate.”

“And that’s why you can’t find anyone. Anyway, his whole family is full of military people. Setek’s been training for years. So, now I can make all the enemies I want, because I know he’ll take care of it.”

“You said he was courting you. You haven’t submitted yet?”

“What kind of a girl do you think I am! I’ve done nothing more than argue with him. I would like to finish the school year before falling into his arms. I want him to know that I’m definitely going to have a proper profession.”

“If he thought that you’re just someone he can breed for the state, he wouldn’t bother arguing.”

“Of course not! But they say that the longer the fight, the sweeter the surrender.”

“I’m not that patient.”

“And that’s why you can’t find anyone.”

“Stop making fun of me!”

The topic moved on to other forms of gossip and Julian moved on to see if he’d learned anything useful. He made a mental list:

Rule#1: Older men appeal to young women, possibly because they are stronger and more financially secure. 

How this applied to a relationship between men, Julian had no idea.

Rule #2: A man was expected to be able to protect a woman.

It was a sort of old-fashioned chivalry. Still very heterosexual.

Rule #3: Arguing is courtship.

Well, he’d been debated with Garak about literature for years. Had Garak been flirting with him this entire time? Apparently. And now, Julian had “submitted”.

It seemed like Cardassian courtship was based on quarreling until someone, a female someone probably, surrendered in some way. It was considered improper to surrender too quickly. Men didn’t bother courting women they didn’t respect. After that, a woman expected her man to protect her, but also respect her in some way. The arguments probably continued.

But where did that leave Garak and Julian? He assumed that Garak would probably approach a relationship as a Cardassian man was supposed to. He initiated arguments, which was flirting, and Julian eagerly argued back, flirting back. Garak must’ve seen something in their conversation after the Dominion Simulation Incident as Julian “submitting”. He started using Julian’s first name to show that their relationship had changed. Now, he was, acting as spy, not a soldier, trying to protect Julian like he’d be expected to in a Cardassian relationship.

As for Julian apparently playing the woman’s role in this relationship, it might’ve simply been because somebody had to. Ballroom dances, a ritual of Human courtship, always had someone lead and someone follow. Traditionally, the man led the woman, but if two people who weren’t a man and a woman danced together, someone had to lead and someone had to follow. One man would have to dance the woman’s step. Julian wasn’t sure he was comfortable with that being him. But, in this case, Garak knew the steps and he didn’t, so he sort of have to follow. He hoped that, once he got the hang of it, maybe they could switch. He had enhanced strength and was good with a phaser. He could protect Garak too.

Julian only then realized that his allegory about dance steps applied as much in the bedroom as it did in courtship. His feelings on that topic were pretty much the same, though it was still a bit awkward to think about.

Well, he’d have to have a talk with Garak, explain what he’d learned and see where things went from there. He wanted a balanced, equal relationship and he’d have to set some terms.


	3. Prelude to Mating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian gets into trouble and is rescued, only to find that he might still be in trouble. The importance of communication is properly communicated.
> 
> Featuring: A weird way of conveying drunkenness through spelling, long conversations, Cardassian anatomy and culture that I stole from better fics, Cardassian anatomy and culture that I made up, a small amount of bloodshed, a miscommunication regarding consent that is quickly resolved, and awkward attempts to include references to canon episodes to create a solid timeline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place shortly after Second Skin. 
> 
> Previously mentioned CW: Small amount of violence and blood, a brief miscommunication regarding consent that's cleared up before anything serious happens.

Before Julian had a chance to meet with Garak, he ended up in Quark’s. Miles wanted to play darts and discuss current events.

“So, even though the Cardassians are no longer in control of this station, the Obsidian Order still managed to get to Major Kira? She was barely off the station! They can get that close. Say, wasn’t Garak part of the Obsidian Order? Do you think he might’ve had something to do with it?”

“I’m pretty sure he killed the man responsible, so I don’t think so.”

“So he’s on our side now?”

“I don’t think _he_ knows what side he’s on, honestly. He says he does whatever’s best for Cardassia and that varies. So, he’s on Cardassia’s side, I suppose.”

“How does it not bother you that you never know where he stands?”

“It can get a little annoying, but it’s usually like he’s creating mysteries for me to solve. It’s quite exciting, actually.”

“Exciting…Hey, speaking of Garak, there he is.”

Garak was, in fact, sitting on the other side of the bar at a table in a dimly lit corner.

“That’s odd. He’s just hiding in the corner there. He only comes here to drink kanar and talk to me. Both are available, and he’s avoiding both.”

“Why is his attention so important to you? He’s not your only friend. I’m here and we’re having a good time. Aren’t we? …You’re staring at him.”

He was, in fact, staring at him, trying to decide whether to approach him or not. Garak’s focus seemed to be on a group of mostly Bajorans, with what appeared to be one Human and one Betazoid among them. They all appeared to be very drunk.

“Julian! O’Brien to Bashir!”

“Huh? I’m sorry. I was just trying to figure out who Garak might be spying on. If he’s alone and not drinking, that’s what he’d be doing here.”

“Julian…Is there something going on between you and Garak?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re fascinated with the man, you know his habits, you get lost staring at him, you get upset when he doesn’t pay attention to you. I’ve never seen you act like that with anyone but a girl.”

“I didn’t want you to know.”

“Why?”

“Because you’d try to stop me from getting too close to the ‘Cardie spy’.”

“Julian, I know that I can’t stop you when you’re like this about someone. I can say that you’re being an idiot. It’s not that he’s a man, or even because he’s a Cardassian, but the man’s a killer and everyone knows it.”

“And you’ve never killed anyone.”

“I don’t make a career of it.”

“You fought in a war. War is definitely making a career out of killing people.”

“I didn’t have much choice!”

“As far as I can tell, neither did he!”

“Alright. This is why I said I couldn’t stop you. I still think you’re being an idiot, but let’s just forget I said anything. I’m not about to abandon you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Thanks for that. Really, it means a lot to me.”

“I wish you luck, Julian. Now, let’s back to our game.”

“Yes, let’s resume your winning streak.”

Aside from a few glimpses in Garak’s direction, the evening proceeded as normal. Having to rise early for work, Julian was careful not to drink to much and believed himself to be sober when he started heading for his quarters. He hadn’t noticed that one of the Bajorans, and his Human and Betazoid friends, followed him when he left the bar.

The Human, an ensign that Julian recognized as a man named Ryan O’Malley, blocked his path.

“Where you goin’, mate?”

“To bed, if you’d allow me.”

“To bed with your Cardie?”

The bar had been too loud for O’Malley to have overheard Julian’s conversation with Miles. How did he know?

“That’s really none of your business!”

The Betazoid, Aati Ienel, another ensign, went and joined his friend. Julian remembered that he’d treated him for a broken wrist the day before he left for the medical conference. His thoughts had drifted towards Garak at the time, as they often did.  
  
“We know all ‘bout ‘im. I ‘eard you thinkin’ ‘bout ‘im in the infirmary.”

Julian tried to walk past the men, but they somehow managed to maneuver him into a corner. The Promenade was mostly deserted, but there were even fewer witnesses in the shadows. 

“Once again, I don’t see how that’s any of your business!”

The Bajoran, Tota, stayed behind Julian, blocking any means of escape.

“We don’ wan’ the Federation in bed with Cardassia!”

Julian turned around to speak to Tota.

“I don’t represent the entire Federation and Garak doesn’t represent all of Cardassia.”

O’Malley and Ienal snuck up behind Julian and each grabbed one of his arms as Tota began edging closer. Julian knew that this was about to get violent, despite this being a rather stupid reason for violence. He was strong enough to fight them off, but not without it being obvious that he wasn’t an ordinary Human. If these three had that information about him, they could do him a lot more harm than a few punches. He had to just stand and take it. Even when Tota pulled a knife, he still preferred that to being outed as an Augment.

Tota didn’t stab him. He scraped the blade across his chest, cutting through the fabric of his uniform and leaving a red streak across it. Tota ripped away the cut fabric, shirt and undershirt, leaving his torso only half-covered.

“‘ow polite of you not to scream. We wouldn’ wanna ‘ave to go through the trouble of knockin’ you out an’ findin’ somewhere to hide you while we work.”

“What exactly are you planning to do? Kill me?”

“Of course not. Unlike your mate, I’m not a murderer. We just wanna leave ‘im a message. That’s all.”

Tota made a few small cuts on his chest that may have been Bajoran letters, literally writing a message to whoever saw Julian topless.

“If your wondr’in’ where your boyfrien’ is, he’s busy dealin’ with some frien’s of ours. They’re lookin’ for some clothes ‘e took too long men’in.”

  
“Excuse me, gentlemen.”

The second Tota got the words out, he was proven wrong. There was Garak, smiling politely, with eyes on fire.

“I apologize for being late, but three Bajorans, whom I suspect were highly intoxicated, broke into and vandalized my shop. I was planning to wait until to tomorrow to repair it, but they insisted that I take care of them. I did. Constable Odo has been informed and they’re most likely on their way to the brig as we speak. They claimed to be friends of yours, so I thought I’d check to see that the rest of the drinking party got home safely, without causing any trouble.”

Tota moved away from Julian and turned his knife towards Garak. Julian blinked and the knife was on the floor, Tota lying next to it, unconscious. The other two fled without a word.

“Garak, I-“

Garak grabbed Julian by the wrist roughly enough that he forgot what he was going to say. He thought that Garak intended to rush him to the infirmary to treat the cuts on his chest, which he was in no rush to deal with. They were too shallow to scar and quite small.

But, Garak didn’t go to the infirmary. He took Julian back to his quarters.

“Garak, what are you doing?”

“This shouldn’t have happened. If I hadn’t let them distract me, you wouldn’t have been cut.”

“It’s nothing serious. Thank you for saving me, but you don’t need to be so upset with yourself.”

Garak didn’t respond. He stared at the cuts, sniffed them, tasted the air around them.

“What are you doing?”

Still no response.

“Garak!”

Garak removed Julian’s torn uniform, somehow stripping him down to his underwear in a matter of seconds. Now Julian was beginning to feel a bit afraid. Garak was behaving like an animal and apparently couldn’t be reasoned with. All he could think to do was keep pleading. He didn’t want to have to fight him off.

“Garak? Garak, stop. Please!”

The panic in his voice seemed to reach Garak. He just froze for a second.

“You don’t understand.”

It was said almost like a question, more confused than anything else.

“No, I don’t understand. You just drag me in here, rip off my clothes, you won’t listen to me, do you not realize what that feels like?”

“I scared you.”

“Yes, you idiot!”

Garak took hold of Julian’s shoulders. He was gentle, carefully drawing him closer, giving him a chance to escape if he wanted to. Julian no longer felt like he might be in danger, so he allowed it. It seemed like Garak’s strange behavior was the result of a misunderstanding of some sort. Julian let himself relax in Garak's arms, as he just held him, trying to calm him.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve known that you wouldn’t understand, but I lost control. Seeing those men rip your clothing off you, draw blood from you…Once I was certain that you were alright, I had to take you back.”

“I still don’t understand what you’re saying. You didn’t lose me to anyone or anything in any way.”

Garak sighed. He walked over to the sofa. Julian followed and sat down next to him. Garak pulled him closer and Julian rested his head on his shoulder. Garak seemed to be fine with this.

“There are reasons that Cardassians are seen as barbaric, not just by people we’ve conquered, but by many others.”

“Like the Federation?”

“They think they’re the height of civilization, that they’ve evolved beyond anything primal. There’s nothing animal left in them. They have no greed, no anger, no jealousy. They all live to better themselves. Your people can’t understand anyone who isn’t like that or doesn’t want to be like that.”

“Does that include me?”

“Yes. But, your Human love of exploration means that you’re at least willing to try. After everything that just happened, you’re letting me hold you, calmly listening to what I have to say.”

“I don’t want any dangerous misunderstandings between us. I know you don’t want to hurt me. I’ve actually been doing a bit of research on Cardassian relationships, because I want to enjoy what I have and I don’t want anything to ruin it.

“What kind of research have you been doing?”

“I’m not sure I want to tell you.”

“You want to keep secrets from me?”

“Don’t tell me you’re offended.”

“I’m delighted, my dear. Now I can have the pleasure of figuring it out myself. Will you reveal what you’ve learned from this research?”

“The first thing I learned is that you’ve been flirting with me for pretty much the entire time we’ve known each other.”

“How could you not have already known that?”

“Humans and Cardassians don’t flirt the same way.”

“Then how did you manage to respond so perfectly?”

“By accident. I had no idea that I was flirting back. I wish that I had. It would’ve made those debates even more exciting, knowing that I could use them seduce you.”

“Apparently, you’re just naturally seductive.”

“I also learned that just because we’re officially together now, you see yourself as the dominant male who needs to protect me. I’ll have you know that I can fend for myself just fine.”

“You can, but you never do. You didn’t even try to fight off those drunks on the Promenade.”

“There are reasons for that. It wouldn’t have been a fair fight.”

“There’s no such thing as a fair fight. If you’re actually trying to hurt each other, you’re not going to do it cleanly.”

“Whatever you say. Now, I’ve told you everything I know, so why don’t you tell me what you think has been going on all this time. It’s actually to your benefit to tell the truth this time, so I recommend that you do so.”

“I think I’ve made everything perfectly clear. I wanted to get you into bed the day I met you, but I held back. Humans care far more about the gender of their sexual partners and you clearly preferred for them to be female. But, I can never resist a good conversation, so I kept talking to you. Then I noticed that I could easily get you to argue with me. I assumed it was flirtation. It wasn’t that you mated exclusively with women, but that you insisted on being courted properly. You wouldn’t be a conquest. I decided that I wouldn’t mind a proper relationship, so I let things go ahead. When you came to me in the night, revealing all sorts of sentimental feelings with nothing hiding them, I decided to take the next step.”

“And what would that be?”

“Do you really not know? Successful courtship is a prelude to mating.”

“You know, you could just say that good dates lead to sex.”

“What difference does it make?”

“There are slightly different connotations. ‘Courtship’ is more formal than ‘dating’. It’s old-fashioned. Sex is just sex, while mating sort of implies the breeding of animals. So, you were both oddly formal and speaking as though we weren’t intelligent beings.”

“Cardassian courtship is something of a ritual. It’s a formal affair. As for sexual activity, don’t you remember what I was explaining about the Federation obsession with being above animalistic behaviors? To a Cardassian, mating is something primal, animalistic by nature. Animals don’t court one another, hence the formality. Animals mate, as do we.”

“But not being animals means having etiquette for things that animals don’t. Animals eat, as do we, but we have table manners.”

“I have table manners. You only believe that you do.”

“You know what I meant!”

“I never said that Cardassians mated like animals, only that they didn’t require separate terminology from what’s used for animals.”

“Alright. Let’s get back to the topic of ‘courtship’ and ‘mating’, regardless of what we call them. We haven’t actually had sex yet. You clearly want to just as much as I do, but you’ve always said it was a bad time every time I’ve asked. Why?”

Garak let go of Julian and turned away from him. He tried not to feel rejected, but it was hard not to. Garak clearly wanted him, but he would never just let it happen and Julian was beginning to feel like he was doing something wrong.

“There’s a certain risk to mating with me and I know you’ll be willing to take that risk, but I’m not sure if I can.”

“Sex always comes with risks. You just have to be careful.”

“It’s not a risk you’re familiar with. It’s another aspect of the Cardassian that Humans believe they’ve outgrown, though I don’t know if there is any Human counterpart to this.”

“Try to explain it to me. I wouldn’t be willing to sleep with you if I was afraid of what Cardassian sex might be like.”

“It’s not the experience of the sexual act itself. When Cardassian men mate, they leave a mark. They can leave more marks if they want to, usually more obvious ones, but the pheromonal mark is inevitable. Pheromones are released during the act and the man marks his mate with these. It’s a warning that other men can sense, knowing that someone is taken and any attempt to harm them will lead to consequences.”

“So it’s a sort of scent-mark, then? Is it just Cardassians who’ll notice, because if everyone on the station can tell, that would be a bit awkward to say the least.”

“Cardassians have a sense that Humans and Bajorans do not. I’m not sure how many other species have it. It’s not exactly scent or taste as a Human would understand it, but it’s similar to both. There’s an organ called the so’c under the tongue. This organ can detect Cardassian pheromones.”

“Okay, so if there are ever any other Cardassians on the station, I’ll have some sort of not-quite-scent on me that they can trace back to you?”

“If they’ve been around me before, they’ll recognize that we match and they’ll know what that means.”

“And that’s what your worried about?”

Garak turned back towards Julian. He put an arm around his shoulders, wrapping his other arm around his front, pulling him into a possessive ring of limbs.

“Julian, I’ve made a lot of enemies in my time, many of whom are still alive. Some of them, I’m not sure whether they’re alive or dead. But, nearly all of them are Cardassian men. There are women among them, and some are not Cardassian, there are a few Bajorans I’ve managed to deeply offend, but Cardassian men make up the vast majority. If they’re aware of you, they’ll see you as a weakness they can use against me. They could hurt you, even kill you, as a way of getting their revenge on me. If we mate, Julian, we’ll be taking that risk.”

“If you were too afraid to take the risk that would come with sleeping with me, you wouldn’t have let things get this far. You were the one who kissed me. I wouldn’t have even known how you felt about me if you hadn’t. You can’t back out now.”

“I don’t want to back out. I just want you to know what you’re getting into.”

“You’ve made such a big deal about protecting me. There are lots of dangerous things that I can handle on my own, but your enemies are your problem. If you don’t try to do everything behind my back, if you actually communicate with me, I can trust you to protect me from your enemies. Though, maybe you should focus on them more than on drunks at Quark’s. They weren’t about to wound me in ways I couldn’t easily fix.”

“Please accept the fact that I saved you this time. I saved you the effort of healing those wounds, at the very least.”

“And I’m grateful for that, or at least I was until you just started striping me without warning.”

“Another side effect of Cardassian protective instinct. When one fights for their mate, they’ll want to mate with them afterwards, as long as neither one is too severely injured.”

“Well, now that you’ve actually told me and given me time to react, we might as well. But, you have to remember that I’ve never been with a man or a Cardassian before. I generally know what one does with the former, but as for the latter, I only know anatomy that I’ve worked with, none of which was anything directly involved in any sexual acts that I know of. So, you’ll have to be patient and teach me everything.”

“I’m perfectly capable of doing that. If I can’t protect you from myself, I can’t protect you from anybody.” 


	4. Possession Goes Both Ways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Julian have sex and nothing else happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first smut I've ever attempted, as I mentioned in the tags. I still can't believe that I managed to actually do this and I can only hope that I did it right.
> 
> The anatomy, like in most garashir fics, comes from tinsnip. In fact, this basically goes through all the vocabulary in such a way that it could be a Tinsnip Cardassian Anatomy Tutorial Guide, because these two are gonna talk that it's something to talk about.

“So, what happens now?”

Garak initiated another kiss, the first one in a long while, and Julian melted into to it, focusing on the familiar pleasure to avoid feeling nervous. He was, in a way, about to lose his virginity for a second time, and he was sure it’d be just as awkward as the first, no matter what anyone did. But this was something he could handle.

Garak pulled back just enough to speak.

“It’s uniquely intimate.”

Kiss.

“What is?”

Kiss.

“This. We’re tasting each other simultaneously.”

Kiss.

“Never thought of it that way.”

Long kiss. 

“Should we just keep doing this all evening, or are you ready for more?”

“I could do this all evening, but I’m up for anything right now.”

“Anything?”

“Don’t hold me to that.”

“I won’t. You don’t even know how many ways ‘anything’ could be interpreted.”

“What do you want to do now?”

“You asked me to teach you. I think it’s about time for your first lesson.”

“Do you want me to take notes?”

“No. I want you to sit still and pay attention for a moment.”

“That’s no fun!”

But Julian complied anyway. He was curious to see where this was all going.

“You’ll have to trust me.”

“That doesn’t sound like something you’d normally recommend.”

“It isn’t. But, this is a special occasion. For this time, assuming we’ll do something like this again, I want to be in control. I want you to do what I ask and trust that I won’t hurt you.”

“Is this another Cardassian ritual or is it just one of your kinks?”

“Both. Neither. Does it matter?”

“I suppose not. I accept your terms as long as you don’t make me too anything I’m too uncomfortable with. If I say ‘stop’, you stop.”

“Of course. Now, we’ve wasted enough time.”

Garak stood up. Julian moved to follow him, but Garak put his hands on his shoulders and gently pushed, implying that he should sit back down. Garak knelt down in front of Julian, keeping his hands on his shoulders. The look in his eyes when they made eye contact made Julian both want to pounce on him and run for cover simultaneously.

One of Garak’s hands reached up to stroke Julian’s neck. He shuddered, another first-day-at-the-replimat sensation.

“Tilt your head back for me.”

Julian did. He laid back until he was staring at the ceiling, his head resting on the top of the sofa. He heard Garak make a sort of purring sound in approval.

“You bear your throat to me without a second thought. Very good.”

He stroked Julian’s neck again and edged closer.

“I’ve never done this with someone with skin as soft as yours, so you’ll have to tell me if it hurts.”

Before Julian had a chance to ask what Garak intended to do, which was quite obvious in hindsight, he felt sharp teeth scrape over his neck, just above his shoulder. It was low enough that his uniform collar would cover any mark it made. The scrape turned into a stronger nip that made Julian wince at first. He’d never had a lover bite him before. There was something about it, something he didn’t have the words to describe, that turned the slight pain into a strange mix of pain and pleasure. He gasped, partially from that and partially from surprise. He could somehow hear Garak smiling when he pulled back.

“Good?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m glad. That could’ve easily gone very poorly. Now, stand up. We’re switching places.”

“You want me to bite you?”

“Among other things.”

Julian stood up and Garak sat down. He removed his tunic, leaving on an undershirt with a lower collar than what was worn over it, exposing his neck, shoulders, and collarbone, which was covered in a line of ridges that lead to an indent in his chest, a spoon or drop-like shape like to one on his forehead. Julian noticed that Garak’s ridges were a bit darker in color than normal. Was that the Cardassian equivalent of blushing?

Garak spread his legs apart and motioned to the space in between them.

“Kneel down here.”

Julian did, finding just enough space to be fairly comfortable, being thankful for his narrow build for once.

“If you want me to bite like you did, I can’t do it from down here.”

“You’re taller than I am and I managed. But, that’s not why you’re here. There are some other things to go over first.”

“Is this another lesson?”

“Yes, and this one includes vocabulary, so listen closely.”

Garak closed his right hand around the thin wrist of Julian’s left and guided his arm up, bringing his hand to rest upon the “spoon” on Garak’s forehead.

“This is the chufa, one of the three chu’en.”

“The spoon shapes?”

“And that is why I’m telling you this. Don’t call them spoons. They have names and you’re going to learn them.”

“What does this have to do with anything? Can’t we discuss it later?”

“The chu’en are all very sensitive. They’re spots you should pay attention to if you want to please a Cardassian. The chufa, which is always exposed, is the least sensitive. It can be touched in contexts that are completely platonic.”

Garak moved Julian’s hand to the not-spoon on his chest.

“This is the chula. It’s more intimate.”

The vocabulary lesson, though fascinating, wasn’t particularly arousing, so Julian leaned forward and bit Garak’s chula to see what would happen. He hissed and pulled Julian towards him. All of the hissing creatures that Julian knew used it as a warning, but hissing seems to be a good thing with Cardassians, at least in this context.

Garak pulled Julian up into his lap and kissed him again, first on the mouth and then on the neck, biting down more gently on skin that his uniform exposed. Then, he placed his hand of the back of Julian’s head, stroking his hair as he lowered it down to his shoulder.

“The shoulder and neck ridges are the best place to bite. You might notice that the third scale down sticks out a bit. That’s the kinat’hU, the scale for biting.”

Julian bit down on the scale. The texture was like leather, tough, but it gave way very slightly. As he expected, Garak’s scales were rougher than Human skin, but they weren’t as rough as he thought they would be.

Garak hissed in pleasure again, though a bit more softly than the first time.

“That’s it. A little harder. You won’t break the skin.”

Julian complied, biting down as hard as he could, hearing a deep growl in response that softened to another purr of approval.

“Good boy.”

Julian wasn’t sure whether he liked being called a “boy”, but he’d called women he’d dated “girls” before, so it wasn’t exactly abnormal. He wasn't offended, though he wondered if he should've been.

Julian bit the kinat’Hu on the other side of Garak’s neck, nipping hard without warning, tugging at it slightly with his teeth. Once again, he wanted to see what would happen. Garak nearly roared and then suddenly picked Julian up and carried him into the bedroom, placing him on the bed somewhat roughly. Julian laughed.

“May I assume that I did well in pleasing you?”

“Why else do you think I brought you here? You’ve earned a reward.”

Garak crawled on top of Julian, staying on all fours to avoid putting too much weight on him and kissed him again. Mouth, ear, neck, collarbone, leaving a trail of what were either rough kisses or soft bites down his torso. He stopped at his chest, moving his hands over his nipples as if he’d never seen anything like them before. Cardassian males didn’t have them, so that might’ve actually been true. Julian gasped when Garak began stroking his left nipple with his thumb.

“Just how sensitive are these?”

“Quite.”

Garak bent his head to Julian’s chest, but before he could do anything, Julian realized that if Garak thought nipples could be treated like Cardassian scales, it would be quite painful.

“Garak?”

“What is it?”

“You have to be careful with those. Pinching is fine, licking is good, sucking is even better, but no biting.”

“Understood. I thought those might be delicate.”

Garak, pinched, licked, and sucked both nipples. Julian started writhing under him before firm hands on his shoulders yet again held him down.

“I think I’ve found the advantage of having soft skin. You’re so responsive.”

Another pinch, another gasp.

“So easy to pleasure.”

“I don’t know whether I should feel insulted.”

“Don’t. I adore it. You make the most satisfying little noises when I pleasure you.”

Garak started kissed, licking, and nipping his way down Julian’s stomach, stopping at the waistband of his underwear, the only bit of clothing between Garak’s hand and the growing erection beneath it. 

“I’ve heard that mammals are always everted.”

“What?”

“This organ is always out in the open.”

“Actually, it’s usually tucked away inside our trousers.”

“Cardassians can do better than that.”

“How?”

“I’ll show you in a moment.”

Garak removed Julian’s underwear, leaving him completely exposed. Garak examined the unfamiliar phallus for a moment, before taking it in hand and gently stroking it. Julian groaned and thrust upward. Garak began by focusing on the base, which Julian didn’t understand. The head was a darker color. It stood out. Why was Garak ignoring it?

Garak seemed to figure that out on his own when Julian’s reactions to his attention became less enthusiastic. He began properly stroking the whole penis, occasionally moving his thumb over the tip. He then bent down, pulling Julian’s legs further apart and licked it from base to tip.

“Do you really trust me like this? I’m holding the most sensitive part of your body quite close to my teeth, but you seem completely unalarmed.”

“I never even thought about it. Humans do this sort of thing all the time.”

“Your entire species has such an oddly trusting nature. In this case, I hope to reward that trust.”

Garak took Julian into his mouth. Julian fought not to thrust into the wet warmth around him, not wanting to make Garak gag by accident. He still wasn’t used to the shape of the Human penis, after all. From what Julian could tell, he was getting the hang of it. It wouldn’t have been nearly as enjoyable otherwise. He felt lips moving over the shaft, a tongue swirling around the head, and a hand underneath, fondling his balls. Garak didn’t need to be told how sensitive those were, since he was being very careful with them.

The hand around his testicles moved down and Julian felt a finger brush against his anus, a body part he usually didn’t think about at all. The finger prodded and Julian tensed up. The finger moved away. He felt Garak’s mouth slip off of him.

“It’s completely dry.”

“Of course it is. Yours isn’t?”

Garak didn’t verbally respond. He just started removing the rest of his clothes. He was slow, carefully folding each layer next to the bed. Julian, cock still achingly erect, played with himself to pass the time, hoping that Garak wouldn’t take offense.

Once Garak was naked, Julian could see that Garak didn’t appear to have a penis. Instead, there was a slit, somewhat vaginal in appearance, surrounded by dark scales. There was another not-spoon shape above it.

“I assume I have more vocabulary to learn.”

“I’ll try to keep this lesson brief.”

Garak took Julian’s hand, having him touch the parts that Garak named, like he’d done before.

“You remember the chufa and chula?”

Julian nodded.

“This is the chuva, the last of the chu’en. Below it is the ajan. Cardassians don’t leave our most vulnerable parts out in the open. They stay tucked away in the ajan when they’re not needed.”

“That’s what you were referring to when you said that Humans are always everted.”

“Correct. Now, while you’re down there, reach two fingers inside.”

Julian did. The inside of Garak’s ajan was warm and slick. This was what he was expecting when he said that Julian was “completely dry”. The ajan was looser than a vagina, but it felt vaguely similar until his fingers hit a thick organ that wasn’t naturally found inside any vagina that Julian had heard of.

“Is that your…what do Cardassians call it?”

“There are several terms, but most would call it a prUt.”

PrUt. Proot. Julian giggled immaturely. The word sounded very silly.

“What’s so amusing?”

“It’s a very odd word.”

“And what do you call yours?”

“Well, there are several terms. I think ‘cock’ is the must common.”

Garak chuckled. If he was the type to giggle, he would’ve been giggling.

“That’s no better than prUt!”

“It is too!”

“Perhaps you’re simply more used to it, enough to be immune to the absurdity.”

“Alright, forget the name. What do I do with it?”

“If you reach just a bit further into my ajan, you’ll feel a ring of muscle at the base of the prUt. That’s called the irllun and it’s the most sensitive part of the Cardassian male.”

Julian reached further in and had no trouble finding Garak’s irllun. He felt a jolt go through him when he touched it. He stroked with his index and middle fingers, following as it slid out into the open. It was shorter than Julian’s cock, but noticeably thicker. Without a prominent head, along with the ring at the base, it felt as though it was backwards from what Julian was familiar with.

Garak took Julian’s hand off his prUt and brought it to his own mouth. Having Garak’s tongue darting around his fingers made Julian shiver, though he had no idea why that was so pleasurable in and of itself. Once his mouth was no longer full Garak continued speaking.

“At last, we’re getting somewhere. Lay back down. I’ll do my best to prepare you for this, since you imply that there’s some way to fuck that little ring of muscle without hurting you.”

Garak took a pillow from the other side of the bed and slid it under Julian’s ass, lifting it up.

“Comfortable?”

“Comfortable enough.”

“Good.”

Garak stuck two fingers into his ajan, coating them in his own lubricant. Julian stared at the ceiling, waiting for something to happen, only to be snapped out of it seconds later by a slick finger slipping inside of him. It didn’t hurt. Garak had made sure of that. But, it didn’t exactly feel good either. It felt strange, being stimulated in a new way.

Garak slid his finger in as deeply as he could, noticing an odd gland somewhere along the way. When he touched it, Julian gasped at a pitch and volume that border on a scream and thrust hard against him. Garak added a second finger and stroked it with both.

Julian had no idea why that felt as good as it did. It wasn’t like having his penis touched. It was a different sort of pleasure, but certainly pleasurable. Garak’s fingers started stretching Julian’s interior walls and he felt the muscles relax. He knew what this was building up to and he was starting to feel ready for it.

“Garak! Garak, are you going to…”

“Am I going to what? Say it.”

Why was saying it out loud so damn difficult?

“Are you going to…to…Are you going to fuck me?”

“If you want me to. Do you want me to fuck you, Julian?”

Julian eagerly nodded, hoping Garak would accept a non-verbal answer. It was getting hard to speak, gasps and moans replacing words against his will.

Garak didn’t accept the non-verbal answer.

“Say it.”

“Why? You already know what I mean.”

“I like hearing you say it. Humor me.”

“Alright. Fine. Yes. I want you to fuck me, preferably now.” 

“Are you sure you’re ready? You have no idea how this is going to feel.”

“Stop teasing me! I know you want this just as much as I do, so why are you wasting time?”

Garak’s hand, the one that wasn’t already in use, brushed through Julian’s hair.

“Patience has it’s rewards, my dear boy. The greater the tension, the sweeter the release.”

Garak spoke softly and gently until Julian, though still eager, no longer felt like he’d explode if Garak didn’t enter him in the next thirty seconds.

“I want to enjoy this for as long as I can. I want to give you as much pleasure as you can take and I don’t want it to be over too quickly. This is an important moment for us, one that I won’t let you forget. Once I’m inside you, you’re mine and I can deny you nothing.”

Garak positioned himself between Julian’s legs. Julian lifted his hips up, presented himself for fucking . Garak stroked one of Julian’s buttocks in a way that would’ve been soothing if it wasn’t so arousing.

“Are you afraid that I simply seek to dominate you? Don’t be. Possession goes both ways, dearest. I give myself to you. I’ll make no decision without thinking of how it might affect you. Only Cardassia itself will be prioritized above you, but no single Cardassian.”

Garak was now on his hands and knees above Julian, caressing his shoulders. Julian looked into his eyes and felt like he was staring into blue flames, burning hotter and brighter than your average fire.

“There are men who fear me. If they have anything working inside their skulls, they’ll fear you too. Not as a threat, of course. A gentle Federation healer like yourself never wants to harm anyone. But, they’ll know that if they dare to harm you, I’ll find them.”

Julian let himself be swept away by Garak’s words, touching him as firmly and intimately as his hands. Julian was not ambitious. He didn’t seek power. But, he craved positive attention and liked feeling adored. It made him feel safe and proud that he’d somehow earned Garak’s affection.

But, he was getting a little tired of waiting.

“Garak. Now.”

Garak’s smile was like the glow of a spotlight.

“Close your eyes, Julian. Just feel.”

Garak finally entered him and Julian felt it. At first, the fullness was uncomfortable. He tensed, despite how eager he was. His body seemed a bit more reluctant than his mind. He focused on Garak’s hands and mouth traveling over his torso. The hands slid down his sides to his hips and rubbed them, gently massaging him. He began to relax again. Garak whispered in his ear as he pushed in deeper.

“That’s it. Very good. How does that feel?”

“It’s…alright. You’re not hurting me. You can move a bit.”

Garak did, but not in the way Julian expected. He didn’t thrust in. He wriggled around, rubbing his irllun against Julian’s entrance. They’d found another sexual difference between Cardassians and Humans.

Julian thrust against Garak, demonstrating what he wanted him to do. Garak began to copy the motion, fucking Julian the way he wanted to be fucked. The tip of his prUt brushed against his prostate, sending Julian back into gasps and groans.

As he thrust in, Garak went back to kissed and nipping at Julian’s neck and chest, occasionally nipping his ear and whispering to him.

“That’s it, my beautiful boy…Keep making those pretty sounds…How much more can you take, my dear? I wonder…”

Julian eventually got used to the rhythm of things enough to do more than lie there and be fucked. He wrapped his arms around Garak, clawing at his shoulder ridges, enjoying the hisses and low growls that sent vibrations through both of them. He couldn’t really say much more than various single words such as “God!”, “Fuck!”, “Yes!”, and “More!”, but literally everything else he was doing sent a clear message.

There was no one specific thing that made Julian come. It just happened in the midst of everything else. After that, Julian was only vaguely aware of Garak grinding against him in the Cardassian way until he reached his own climax. He heard the rumble from deep within Garak’s chest, felt him bite down hard on his shoulder again, and then a rush of fluids covered his insides, dribbling out to stain the pillow beneath him.

Garak barely seemed tired and all. He pulled out as his prUt retreated into his ajan bent over Julian to kiss him again.

“Satisfied?”

“You have no idea.”

“Is that a ‘yes’?”

“That’s a ‘fuck yes!’.”

“Your pleasure is my pleasure, dearest. But now you must be exhausted.”

“Yeah, maybe a little.”

Garak got up to replicate another pillow. He came back with a soft one, a design comfortable to Humans.

“You already have a pillow underneath you, but I doubt believe it’s in suitable condition to place your face against.”

“I agree. Thank you.”

“It’s no trouble at all, dear. Now, get some sleep.”

Julian was too tired to respond. He just rolled onto his side. The last thing he noticed before falling asleep was a pair of strong arms wrapped around him and his head rested against something that wasn’t a spoon.


	5. This Isn't Helping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of Garak's many enemies pays a visit to the station, demonstrating how impossible it is for Cardassians to hide relationships from each other, as long as someone suspects something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during Civil Defense
> 
> Mild Content Warning: There's some harassment of a vaguely sexual nature, meant as a scare tactic, but it counts enough that I'm adding this warning just in case.

“Worker revolt in progress in Ore Processing Unit Five. Security countermeasures initiated.”

“What the hell?”

It seemed that someone had accidentally triggered some trap that the Cardassians left behind. It didn’t take long for Jadzia, Kira, and Julian to end up trapped in Ops while Commander Sisko, his son Jake, and O’Brien were trapped in engineering. A recorded message of Gul Dukat went on and on, trying to talk down some theoretical Bajoran slave rebellion.

Julian wasn’t worried. The death trap felt survivable, like every other death trap he’d ever fallen into. He did feel a bit foolish for just wandering into Ops to kill time between shifts in the infirmary. If he wanted to kill time, he should’ve gone to Quark’s, maybe rented a holosuite.

And yet, there wasn’t anything he could really do outside either. This wasn’t a medical emergency. He was out of his element. As ridiculous as it sounded, having nothing to do during the crisis was making him a bit bored. He felt guilty for thinking that when Jadzia burned her hands. Though it gave him something useful to do, he didn’t want anyone to suffer.

Julian was finally saved from uselessness and boredom when Garak appeared. The Cardassian station appeared to be more merciful to Cardassians than to anyone else. Even if he had nothing to do, he had someone to talk to who’d find some way to entertain him while saving everyone’s lives. He might even find a way to make him feel useful. He hoped that the two women didn’t notice that he was started to enjoy this. It was terribly rude of him, enjoying being in mortal peril, along with an entire station, because his boyfriend was around to make it more interesting.

He was still reluctant to tell anyone about him and Garak. If more people knew, more people would talk, and some of them might end up talking to one of Garak’s many enemies. So, he hadn’t told Jadzia yet and never intended to tell Kira. He suspected that Jadzia might’ve guessed. She kept trying to return borrowed datarods to Julian’s quarters, only to find that he was never there.

Julian hadn’t been to his own quarters in over a week. Garak still didn’t ever want them to be seen entering or exiting his quarters together, but instead of going to his own quarters and then leaving, Julian would spend time at Quark’s, usually playing darts with O’Brien, and wait around for the bar to close before going to Garak’s quarters, where their time spent together had become far more lively. They didn’t have sex every night, but they’d debate or play games, usually kotra, despite Julian being terrible at it. Garak had also decided that Julian’s dislike of Cardassian literature was due to poor Standard translations and had started a long term project to teach Julian to read them properly, in the far more nuanced original Kardasi. In Kardasi, the repetitive propaganda with bland characters at least sounded pretty.

Now, even with two hours to beat the Cardassian system or die, Julian was enjoying watching Garak hacking security systems and being brilliant. He had nothing better to do at the moment and Garak didn’t seem to mind him being there, allowing Julian to lead him into a round of shameless flirting while the women weren’t looking. 

The fun was interrupted when the replicator started shooting at everyone. To make matters worse, despite also making them better, Gul Dukat appeared in the flesh. The man was definitely on Garak’s list of enemies, but he didn’t seem to be very interested in pursuing vengeance against him. However, he was amused to see Garak hiding from the phaser blasts as everyone else did.

“Garak, groveling in a corner. That alone makes the trip worthwhile.”

Garak stood up. Why was he taking the bait? He was too smart for that.

“Garak!”

“Easy, Doctor. It seems that the computer is only targeting non-Cardassians.”

Garak and Dukat stared each other down, though Julian could swear that Dukat’s eyes darted towards him for a split second. The Cardassian men argued, revealing why Dukat hated Garak in the process. Kira was the one with the sense to break it up.

“Maybe you two should settle this another time.”

Kira soon had Dukat’s full attention and he disabled the replicator phaser when she agreed to have a word with him in private. This seemed like a bad idea, but Julian didn’t comment.

Eventually, Dukat messed everything up so badly that even his authorization codes stopped working and now everyone was gathered around the table, desperate to think of some way to survive. Well, the non-Cardassians were desperate. Garak and Dukat were arguing yet again and Kira told them off yet again. Also yet again, it didn’t take long for Dukat’s attention to return to Kira, trying to reassure her in the most condescending way possible.

“There’s no dilemma that can’t be solved by a disciplined, Cardassian mind.”

And Garak started up the argument again, ignoring Kira’s wishes to defend her.

“She’s much too busy trying to save this station to be impressed by your incessant posturing. Even if she weren’t, she has much better taste than to be attracted to you. And you, you’re a married man!”

“I should’ve had you executed years ago!”

“You tried, remember?”

After Kira failed twice to end the argument, Julian decided to give it a try. She’d managed to distract Dukat, due to his interest in her, but Garak kept starting the argument back up again. If sexual interest got one of them to behave, perhaps it would work on the other.

“Garak, this isn’t helping.”

Jadzia had an idea and the conversation moved on. But, Garak didn’t say another word to Dukat.

The day was saved primarily by Sisko and O’Brien. The people in Ops just waited out the storm. Dukat didn’t seem to be in any hurry to show himself out. Perhaps he was waiting for Kira to lose patience and yell at him. He’d consider that flirtatious.

Instead, to Julian’s surprise, Dukat turned to him.

“I suppose I should thank you, Doctor.”

“Why?”

“For preventing Garak from distracting us all for long enough for someone to actually think of a plan.”

“It was his own choice to stop talking.”

“But only after you told him to. Major Kira had already tried to put a stop to it twice. What authority do you have that she doesn’t?”

“None. She outranks me.”

Dukat briefly opened his mouth again, but he said nothing. Julian realized that he was tasting the air around him with his so’c. He tried to think of a subtle way to escape, even though he’d certainly already been found out. Instead, he froze.

“Just as I suspected. You two have something unique in-common. Don’t you?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, come now, Garak must’ve told you.”

Julian took a deep breath. He had to remain calm, keep his voice level, speak with authority, and avoid showing weakness.

“Gul Dukat, you no longer have any business on this station. What ever you believe that Garak and I have in-common is none of your business and you need to leave.”

“Where’s the soft tone that worked on Garak so well?”

“Major Kira never used a soft tone with you.”

“Her fire doesn’t suit you, doctor. She is a soldier, you are a healer. She breaks men, you put them back together. She could kill me easily if she wanted to, but you, you’re terrified of me, aren’t you?”

Before today, Julian had not at all been afraid of Gul Dukat. He was more of a nuisance than anything else. Unfortunately, this conversation had changed everything. Now, he was fighting back panic. Still, he kept his voice level and kept fighting.

“I’m not afraid of you, Dukat. I look forward to the day someone actually does kill you. I don’t believe in death as a form of justice, but your death will bring peace to many people, including Major Kira.”

Julian realized that this argument had gone on for a bit too long and Dukat was smiling. The harder Julian insulted him, the worse it got. He had to get away. Dukat was probably just trying to scare him, but it was working.

“I hope that someone like you is my executioner. It would be satisfying to see a good man go bad just for me. Would you go bad for me, doctor?”

Dukat took a step closer to Julian, tasting the air around him again, more slowly this time, savoring it.

“Or do you think you could make a good man out of me? Turn the scary, Cardassian murderer into someone your Federation would approve of? You’ve already done it once. You already have one of the most dangerous men in the Alpha Quadrant at your beck and call. If you convert me to your ways, for all you know, I might give you Cardassia.”

“The last time I checked, a single Gul can’t decide the fate of all of Cardassia.”

“How much do you know about Cardassia, doctor?”

“Enough to know that if you don’t leave right now, I should definitely call security.”

  
“I’ve done nothing to warrant such treatment. We’ve just been talking.”

“Why are you still here?”

“I want to send Garak a little warning. I know his weakness and it won’t be long before that information falls into the hands of the Obsidian Order. I don’t intend to hurt you, doctor, but I can make no promises for the others when they find out. Now, I’ve kept you for long enough. Run along and tell Garak about our little talk, won’t you? And, perhaps, you might tell Major Kira that I’m sorry for my earlier behavior.”

“I’ll tell her, but we’ll both know that you’re lying.”

Julian didn’t tell Kira about Dukat’s “apology”. There was no point. He went straight to Garak, who’d gone back to his shop to finish his work for the day, now that the station was no longer in peril. Garak took one look at him, dropped what he was doing, and pulled into a changing room.

“What happened?”

“Dukat knows. He knows about us. I couldn’t stop him from finding out.”

“There’s no way to stop those pheromones being noticeable to someone who’s deliberately searching for them. Now, since you know that he knows, I assume that he must have told you.”

“We had a long chat about it. Too long.”

“Did he do anything to you? Did he touch you in any way, even a way that seemed non-threatening?”

“No. He got closer to me than I would’ve preferred and I think he flirted with me a little, though I think he just did that to scare me. He said he didn’t intend to do anything to me personally, but that the Obsidian Order would learn about us.”

“In that case, at least half a dozen people may attempt to have you killed.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. This wasn’t your fault.”

“Do you regret what we did together?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you regret that we slept together, that you marked me, that you put me in harm’s way because I begged you to?”

“That’s not exactly what happened. You said you were willing to take the risk and so did I. Pheromonal marks have been known to encourage some predators instead of deterring them. No one mates with someone if they’re not willing to fight those sorts of people off. Whatever it takes, I promise that I won’t let anyone harm you because of me.”

“Whatever it takes? Knowing you, I’m not sure if I can approve of that.”

“You’ll have to forgive a few violations of your Federation code of ethics if it means saving your life.”

“You’re not about to go on some kind of killing spree, are you?”

“Perhaps not, but I’m not sure what else to do.”

Julian didn’t know what to say to that. 


	6. A Warning Shot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian learns exactly what Garak is afraid of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Poisoning, near-death experiences, nothing graphic, but I include content warnings whenever anything even slightly scary happens, just in case.

“And so, the woman just wouldn’t stop arguing with me and then all of a sudden-“

“She was flirting with you.”

“Of course you’d already know that.”

“I’m slowly becoming the local Cardassian expert.”

“You’re the only one who can stand to be around them.”

“And Garak’s the only one who can stand to be around me.”

“That almost makes sense. But, I’ve built up enough tolerance of your more irritating qualities that there are now other people who can stand to be around you.”

“When you go on about Garak like this, you sound like you’re jealous.”

“Are you mad?”

The ball bounced back and forth across the holosuite racquetball court and the conversation between Julian and Miles bounced with it. It was another ordinary day. After Dukat discovered Julian and Garak’s relationship, it seemed like nothing was going to come of it.

Plenty had happened in the past few months. Julian had randomly ended up under Betazoid psychic influence that somehow led him to make out with Kira, which horrified them both. He’d traveled in time back to the bleakest years of the 21st century. He’d failed to save Vedek Bareil because of political tensions. But, none of that had anything to do with any Cardassians. Some unfamiliar Cardassians had recently visited the station. But, they weren't dangerous at all. They were scientists and engineers, ordinary civilians. Well, two of them were. One of them, Nal Dejar, was actually an Obsidian Order agent. Garak didn’t explain this until after she’d already been found out.

“We worked together not long before I was exiled. I can’t say that anyone involved in the Order is any friend of mine now, but she’s not an enemy either. Since she presents no threat to us and whatever threat she presented to anyone else could easily be handled without my interference, I saw no reason to distract you from your work by informing you.”

Garak usually didn’t inform Julian of anything, even if there was a threat to him. He’d later find out that things were quietly taken care of behind his back. Whenever he complained about not being consulted, Garak would distract him with kisses or by trying to start another literary debate. Julian knew that this was something they needed to work on, a problem in their relationship that had to be properly addressed, but he was willing to put it off for the time-being. He enjoyed those kisses and literary debates too much.

Julian let Miles win their racquetball game, feeling guilty that he could never play a fair game with anyone. They left the holosuite, planning to have a few drinks before retiring to bed. Julian was considering skipping the drinks and just going home. He felt more tired after his game than normal and his muscles were beginning to feel oddly stiff, to the point where he wondered if Miles would’ve genuinely won another round of racquetball.

By the time Julian and Miles were settled at a table in the bar, Julian could barely keep his eyes open. Even breathing was taking more effort than it normally did. How could he possibly be so tired after a game that he deliberately lost? He wasn’t even giving it his all and even if he had, that wouldn’t have had that much of an effect on his enhanced stamina. His mind was still alert enough to realize that something might be wrong.

Julian wasn’t sure if Miles was talking to him or not. His ears were ringing, muffling any sound around him. His head hurt and he began to feel a bit feverish. Perhaps he was coming down with something. He worked around the sick all the time, and sometimes unknown viruses had been known to pass through sterilization.

Time passed. After about an hour of his hearing and vision constantly turning themselves off and on again, Miles constantly asking if he was alright, and the stiffness in his muscles leaving him out of breath and barely able to finish his drink, Julian realized that he had to get out of there. He was definitely sick and he needed to rest. When he said that he wasn’t feeling well, Miles sighed in relief.

“It’s about time you admitted it! As a doctor, you’ll want to look people over if they so much as cough in your presence, but you won’t do a thing for yourself.”

“It’s my job to make sure everyone else is healthy first.”

“You can’t help anyone if you can’t help yourself.”

Julian stood up, only to be hit with a wave of dizziness that sent him immediately back down. He steadied himself against the table, knocking over a mug hard enough that it shattered on the floor. Spots covered his vision and a loud ringing made him deaf to the spinning world around him. His hands were numb. Everything was numb. When he fell out of his chair, he landed on sharp pieces of the shattered mug. He knew that he’d cut himself, that he was bleeding, but he couldn’t see or feel a thing. His mind was still completely clear, leaving him fully aware that his body was suddenly failing on him. He tried to speak, to ask Miles to have him beamed to the infirmary. He couldn’t. He gagged, struggling to get words out.

Julian felt the floor underneath him disappear as someone, he couldn’t tell who, lifted him up. He was being carried away, drifting across the Promenade. He didn’t know how he knew that was where he was, but he did. He could tell from the way the world kept moving that he was being carried by someone without the aid of any technology. He felt the rise and fall of footsteps. They were going very fast. He could tell that his head was resting against something.

Julian wasn’t numb to temperature. He could feel the air getting a lot warmer. He was lowered down onto something soft. He felt a weight on his chest briefly. There was a moment of nothing, then a light pressure from something touching his neck.

Almost immediately after that, the numbness began to fade. He didn’t remember ever closing his eyes, but he had to open them. The spots fading into blurry lights, shapes and colors that slowly took a more solid form. He was in Garak’s quarters. Strange. He assumed he’d been taken to the infirmary. Garak was standing next to the bed, watching him with a look of desperation that softened when Julian made eye contact.

“Can you hear me now?”

Julian could. Though still tired, his senses had been restored and he no longer felt sick.

“What was that all about?”

“You were poisoned, Julian.”

“What? When did that happen? _How_ did that happen?”

“I don’t know yet. You’re lucky that Chief O’Brien seemed to believe that I had something to do with your condition. The infirmary staff wouldn’t have been able to identify the poison and create an antidote quickly enough to save your life.”

“So that’s why I’m here and not there.”

“I recognized the poison immediately. It’s commonly used by the Obsidian Order and I had a hypospray of the antidote ready in case something like this were to happen. Now, let’s see if we can figure out exactly who poisoned you. They probably already know that they failed and they’re likely to try again, most likely with a different method of execution. What happened to you today?”

“Nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary. I went to work and then to the holosuite with Miles before I started to feel unwell. I stayed at the bar for a drink and tried to leave after about an hour.”

“Why didn’t you go to the infirmary when the symptoms first started?”

“I don’t know. I thought it was nothing. It all happened so slowly that I didn’t notice that something was seriously wrong until it was much too late.”

“That’s by design. Did any of your patients seem odd to you?”

“No. They were all normal people with normal ailments.”

“Do you remember anything even slightly out of the ordinary happening today? Even the slightest thing might be what we’re looking for.”

“Well, someone bumped into me on the way to the holosuite.”

“Can you describe them?”

  
“It was a man, Bajoran, I believe. He was just one of many people visiting the station. Our shoulders collided. He didn’t so much bump into me as brush against me very hard. He said he was very sorry, a bit more than he needed to be for such a minor thing.”

“Odds are, he was apologizing for more than that minor thing.”

“You think he was the one that poisoned me? How?”

“The poison can take the form of a liquid that can be absorbed through the skin. Most mammals would mistake it for sweat, if they noticed it at all. The man most likely poisoned himself and transferred it to you by bumping into you.”

“How could it get through my skin. We were both wearing long sleeves.”

“It soaks through most fabric as well as skin.”

“What about the Bajoran? If he poisoned himself, what happened? Did he have the antidote?”

“Perhaps he did and perhaps he didn’t. His remorse, and the fact that he at least appeared Bajoran, makes me believe he wasn’t participating voluntarily. He was most likely some random Bajoran that the Obsidian Order captured and used to infiltrate the station. After poisoning you, he would’ve had no further purpose to the Order, so he’s most likely dead.”

“We should find the body.”

“The Order wouldn’t leave a body to find. Security staff would learn that he was poisoned and Constable Odo would find a criminal to bring to justice. It would be too much trouble.”

“So that’s it? It’s all over? What happens now?”

“We prepare for something worse.”

“How do you know that there will be something worse?”

“Julian, think about it. Someone within the Obsidian Order had this done. An old rival of mine, perhaps. Why would they use a poison that they knew I’d recognize and be able to supply an antidote for?”

“They knew you would save me.”

“This wasn’t a real attempt on your life, though it easily could’ve killed you anyway. This was a warning. It won’t be so easy next time.”

“Oh god!”

“There’s no need to get any deities involved. I will put a stop to this.”

Julian would normally insist on participating in his own protection or informing Odo about the potential dangers. But, he’d nearly died only a few minutes ago. He was shaken. How long would it have taken for Odo or Starfleet security to figure out what happened to him? Garak had figured out the entire scheme in only a few minutes. He was the best security Julian could have at the moment. He decided that now was not the time to argue. He was too tired for that now, too overwhelmed by the shock of what’d just happened. He just wanted to lie there in Garak’s bed, which was really just as much his bed as Garak’s. He wanted to stay there and be safe, at least for a little while.

So, Julian stayed put and didn’t complain about Garak’s insistence on being his sole protector. He let himself be taken care of, as Garak spent the entire night doing things for him. He brought him tea in bed, read to him from a Human novel without any complaints, and held him close, showing how genuinely afraid he’d been of losing him. For now, it was all that Julian wanted. Tomorrow was another day.


	7. First Name Basis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian thought that Garak knew that he knew who Elim was. He didn't. This actually becomes a serious problem.

“Elim!”

Julian had no idea why he hadn’t asked to call Garak by his first name yet. They’d been together for over six months. Now, the first time it happened, it just slipped. They were in bed, Garak was teasing him, not touching him where he wanted to be touched, and he just sort of said it.

Garak froze.

“What did you say?”

“Elim. Your first name. Is it okay if I call you that?”

“Yes, of course, when we’re in private, but how did you know that was my first name? I never told you.”

“You told me lots of stories about an Elim and when I visited Enabran Tain to get the medical information that I needed to undo the brain damage caused by that implant, I asked him about Elim and he told me that that was your first name.”

“You’ve met Enabran Tain?!”

“I thought you knew. I told you!”

“No, you didn’t!”

“Well, you were still recovering from surgery at the time. You must’ve sounded more alert than you actually were.”

Garak stared at Julian with an anxious intensity that he was not prepared for.

“I need to know exactly what you told him and exactly what he told you.”

“Can’t this wait?”

“No. If you’ve met him, you should be able to understand why this can’t wait.”

“Well, I showed up at the Arawath Colony unannounced, but he somehow knew that I was coming. He seemed to know a lot about me. He said that if I was really your friend, I should’ve let you die as a mercy.”

“He wasn’t wrong.”

“After everything we’ve gone through together, you still believe that?”

“He wasn’t wrong at the time.”

“Alright. Promise me that you’ll never say anything like that ever again.”

“I didn’t mean to offend you. I promise, but we’re getting off the subject. I assume that because he considered my death a mercy, he was more than happy to help you save my life.”

“He was. It was for exactly that reason. He said he wanted you to live a long and lonely life on this station, surrounded by people who despised you and knowing that you’d never be able to return home.”

“Those are kind words coming from him.”

“He also said he missed you.”

“He would.”

“So, that’s basically everything. He already knew that we were friends when I met him.”

“But we were merely friends then. He wants me to be alone on this station, but he knew that I’d made a friend. That’s why he bothered to learn so much about you. He was already watching you. Even before Dukat found out about us, there’s a chance that he could’ve learned on his own. If he didn’t know, Dukat’s probably told him by now.”

“Is Dukat connected to the Obsidian Order?”

“No. But everyone has connections.”

“So, Tain didn’t want you to even have friends, so if he knows that you have a lover, he’ll punish you for it.”

“Punish me? I suppose you could say that. That would be his intent, but isn’t it obvious? The Obsidian Order is coming for you. They already have. They poisoned you.”

“But Tain’s not the head of the Order anymore. He still keeps tabs on everyone, but how much can he actually do?”

“He can tell the current head of the Order what to do.”

Julian had no idea how he was supposed to react to all of this information. He was definitely in danger. He couldn’t do anything about it. Garak couldn’t do anything about it, or at least he was acting like he couldn’t. Starfleet either couldn’t or wouldn’t do anything about it.

“Now what?”

“Now we need to be more cautious than ever.”

“What will that mean?”

“My first thought would be that we should avoid being seen together, maybe fake some sort of falling out, but it’s too late for that now. It would just leave as both alone and you completely unprotected. My second thought would be to run away, hide somewhere where they can’t find us, but I have even more enemies out there and you have a life here. I don’t know what else to do.”

“We’ll just have to take each day as it comes.”

Garak acted as if he hadn’t heard. He wasn’t paying attention anymore. He was far away, lost in thought. There was a long silence. Julian laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling while Garak gazed out into the stars.

“He wouldn’t just kill you, you know.”

“What?”

“Tain. Someone else might just send an assassin and have you quickly eliminated, but not Tain. He’ll want to find some use for you before he destroys you, and he’ll want to make it as painful as possible, a warning to me.”

Garak’s voice began to shake as he talked. Julian got up and sat down next to him. When he tried to look him in the eye, Garak hid his face. “Elim?”

Garak suddenly grabbed him and clutched him close to his chest, holding on as if someone was trying to take him away. Julian wrapped his arms around him and rested his head against his chula. Julian still wasn't quite used to the raw emotion Garak had started expressing in private. He was acting on some sort of protective instinct that affected his usual discipline. That's all Julian knew about it.

“Elim, I’m not going anywhere. If the Order comes for me, you’ll come for them. I’d prefer to be allowed to protect myself, but in this case, I won’t complain.”

Garak was still in a trance. Julian just wanted to snap him out of it, to change the subject, to sleep and wait for tomorrow to sort everything out. He didn’t want to think about his own fear, about facing Enabran Tain when he was in a worse mood than the one he’d been in when they met. He needed to be distracted and to feel like he was safe. Garak needed to be distracted and to feel like he was in control. The most obvious way to do that was to go back to what they’d been doing before he’d made the mistake of using Garak’s first name. He started nibbling at Garak’s chula. Garak looked down at him, confused. Julian smiled.

“Perhaps we could continue from where we left off?”

“Are you sure?”

“I want you to take me, Elim. Prove to me that I’m yours.”

These weren’t the words Julian would normally use, but he was trying to provoke, and the words were quite provocative. They served their intended purpose, as Garak pushed him back onto the bed with a roar. The dangers of the world disappeared behind a curtain of kisses and bites and moans and growls. Garak everted without any direct assistance from Julian and things progressed quickly from there. Garak entered Julian a bit roughly, but not enough to seriously hurt. Julian didn’t care. He cared about the strong arms wrapped around him, the intensity of the look in the blue eyes above him, and the soft words, spoken in Kardasi, that he was only just beginning to understand.

“Nu ka h’ssti’er, Zhuli’anlin. Nu s’mar’I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter featured my best attempts and Tinsnip/Vyc Kardasi. What Garak is supposed to have said, and did say if I actually got it right was, "I will always protect you, my dear Julian. I promise."
> 
> Other Language Note: If you're wondering how Garak can switch between Kardasi and Standard, even though the UT should be translating the former, I'll go with the bullshit explanation that the translators used by the Federation aren't entirely universal and usually only work with Federation languages. Vulcan is translated, Klingon isn't. The translators provided by other powers work differently, but in Garak's case, he's actually fluent in Standard, along with various other languages.
> 
> There are lots of things that contradict this explanation, but I tried.


	8. An Enigma Tale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian and Garak discuss the latter's weaknesses and Julian discovers that banned enigma tales might have some merit. That's why they were banned.

Julian knew that turning thirty would be stressful, but not like this. No one ever went about their day expecting to face a life-threatening telepathic assault and become trapped in their mind while their attacker tried to talk them to their death by taking the form of their lover. It was a lot to take in, to say the least.

Garak believed that Julian’s mind cast him as the villain as a warning. But, though his mind decided which aspect of his personality would be represented by which person, Altovar chose which form to take. Julian’s subconscious mind didn’t choose to cast Garak as the villain of his nightmare because he didn’t trust him. Altovar chose Garak’s form because Julian was more likely to trust him to his own demise. He’d already seen a Garak created by his subconscious mind. He’d cast Garak as a hero. But, he didn’t challenge Garak’s theory, since Garak seemed to want Julian to not trust him, despite the times he’d said the opposite.

Garak had more to say about the incident than that, however. Once they were alone in what Julian officially considered their quarters, they had a long talk. The talk began silently, despite being a talk. The second the door was locked, Garak took Julian into his arms, embracing him roughly enough that Julian had to push on Garak’s chest to signal that he needed some room to breathe. Garak then carried him to bed and kissed him hard. He pulled back to speak, but he wouldn’t let Julian go, still pinning his shoulders to the bed. 

“Someone could’ve hired that Lethean to kill you.”

“I wouldn’t let him break the law and he lashed out at me. He wasn’t an assassin.”

“That could’ve been a cover story.”

“You’re being paranoid. Not everyone who’d hurt either one of us is tied to the Obsidian Order. This was just an unfortunate run-in with some common criminal.”

“He nearly killed you.”

“Which is not beyond the purview of a common criminal.”

Garak released Julian and let him sit up.

“I shouldn’t be so worried about these things.”

“I nearly died, Garak. It’s okay.”

“It’s not. I was hurting you before.”

“And, once again, I forgive you for it.”

“I fear the day when I’ll finally do something you won’t forgive me for.”

“If you’re worried that much about upsetting me, then you should try to behave.”

“I think I behaved very well today. I didn’t kill the Lethean.”

“I must admit, that’s very good behavior for you. I think we should make it an official rule that you’re not allowed to kill my enemies without my explicit permission.”

“What if they’re only seconds away from killing you?”

“In those special cases, you have my permission to your own decisions. I just don’t want you plotting the demise of anyone who dares to harm me. Even if my empathy failed me and I wanted them to die, I don’t want to see you locked away in a cell because of me.”

“That’s one risk I can assure you I would never take.”

“You’d risk death before imprisonment, wouldn’t you?”

“I never thought I’d admit this to anyone, but imprisonment is death to me.”

“What about prison would be worse than death to you?”

“Let’s just say that I don’t belong in a small cell.”

“You’re claustrophobic?”

Garak shoved Julian back down onto the bed. His expression was playful, but Julian sensed an element of sincerity in the roughness of the gesture.

“Not a word of this to anyone.”

“Not a single word. I promise.”

Garak pulled him back up and kissed him.

“I know you wouldn’t betray me. One of the few good things about people of the Federation is that if they can’t see the value of a good lie, they’re forced to keep their promises. It’s not very good for them, but quite convenient for me.”

“For all you know, I’m trying to seduce secrets out of you.”

“As long as they’re not Cardassia’s secrets, I just might let you. You already know both of my weaknesses.”

“You’re claustrophobic and you’ll do anything for me, right?”

“Perhaps. I’m not sure of the second one yet.”

“You’re more sure than you’re willing to admit. Also, I’m pretty sure you have three great weaknesses, not two.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Even without having me to worry about, you’re scared of Enabran Tain.”

The teasing mood turned more serious. Julian was thankful that Garak didn’t lash out or shut down. He just sighed.

“You’ve met the man. You must’ve seen a hint of what he’s capable of. And now, he’s even more dangerous, not just because of you, my love, but because he’s in retirement. He’s no longer working to serve Cardassia, allowing him to devote more of his time to personal matters.”

“Like punishing you for being happy?”

“Apparently. It won’t be long before it’s inescapable. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to protect you from him, Julian. If it were some common criminal, or Dukat, or even someone else from the Obsidian Order, I wouldn’t be afraid. But, Tain is different.”

“What makes him different? I mean, I know he’s very powerful, but it’s also clearly quite personal with you.”

“Julian, may we change the subject? I want to read you the enigma tale your new holosuite program is based on.”

It would’ve made sense to protest this, but Julian had known Garak for long enough to know that he wasn’t changing the subject at all. Something in the story would parallel whatever Julian had asked about. He’d most likely given him the program for that very reason. His birthday present was something far more valuable than a simply mystery game. He was being given a secret. Furthermore, Garak didn’t just want Julian to read the enigma tale. He wanted to make sure Julian got the message by reading it the way he wanted him to interpret it. This wasn’t part of their usual game. This was important.

“Alright. I’m still not fond of enigma tales, but if it’s so important to you, I’ll give it a try.”

By which he meant:

“I don’t appreciate having everything you say come out as a coded message, but you appear to have some psychological need to communicate this way, so I’ll humor you.”

Julian had never been good with subtext, but Garak had taught him well.

“I’m thankful for your patience.”

Garak got out his padd, which had the story downloaded on it.

“So, what’s everyone guilty of in this one?”

“The murder of a young woman. They all conspired to poison her because she knew their secrets. Each and every one of them was already a criminal and she had all their dirty little secrets written down in a notebook, not having access to decent technology, and she was planning to hand them over to a Legate to have them all executed.”

“Why did she want to kill them all?”

“Revenge. It might help if I gave you the title. It’s called _The Bajoran Whore’s Notebook_. The Federation Standard Edition translates ‘whore’ as ‘slave’.”

“A Bajoran woman was forced into prostitution and collected information about everyone she was forced to sleep with so she could have them all killed later.”

“Precisely. Her murder wouldn’t have been considered a crime when this was written, but it would reveal the murderers to be criminals. The story’s quite controversial, actually. The book treats the murder of the Bajoran slave as if it should be considered a crime and the character is sympathetic. If she wasn’t murdered, the book would’ve most likely have been banned.”

“Even as it is, I’m surprised it wasn’t.”

“It was eventually. State officials argued that the portrayal of Bajoran prostitutes and comfort women as victims was inaccurate and slander against anyone who slept with them. It was banned on Terok Nor when the station was in the hands of a Gul with a collection of Bajoran mistresses.”

“Oh, so you like this book because Dukat hates it?”

“That’s one reason. Now, will you allow me to read to you? The book’s from a collection of short stories, so it can easily be read in one night.”

“Go on ahead. I have to admit that the premise is interesting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Somewhat Pathetic Request: I haven't gotten any comments on this thing since chapter 3, so if anyone has anything to say, I'd like to hear it, just so I don't feel like I'm talking to myself. If you have nothing to comment on though, don't force it. I get it. I just like getting comments.


	9. The Bajoran Slave's Notebook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A story about crimes of passion leads to some discussion of the subject, when then becomes a discussion of passion in general.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in less than 24 hours! I'm on a roll. This chapter is a direct continuation of the last one, so they just fit together.

_Nine people gathered around the corpse of Serka Perin. When they saw that the notebook they’d been searching for wasn’t in her room, they knew that none of them would escape justice. Legate Mirak had learned of what they’d done. The killers had hoped that the Legate wouldn’t trust the word of a slave, but when the authorities came for them, that hope was lost._

_The only thing that had yet to be determined was which note was about which person. The woman didn’t know the names of everyone she met with. She knew their ranks, or perhaps their family names, but this still left some room for ambiguity. When they were punished for their crimes, the Cardassian people would want to know the correct details of each story._

_The Legate himself read the accusations:_

_“The Gul has a wife, though he uses me. He beats her and has her sleep among the servants in the basement.”_

_“I was in bed with a couple tonight. The man who gave the name Atkot has a secret mistress. He loves her, but she’s a servant girl beneath his station, so they can’t enjoin.”_

_“He killed the last woman he had. She was pregnant and he had to protect his reputation.”_

_“The man has no sense of decency. His child was in the room when he had me. The boy is only an infant, so he insists it will have no effect on him, but it was disgusting. I didn’t expect him to have a child, as he is unmarried, but he’s apparently hiding a bastard son from his high society friends.”_

_“A little boy of around ten wandered into my chambers. He was a shy little thing, always looking over his shoulder. His father found him and went into a rage. He wasn’t supposed to be there. He dragged him down the hall and when their footsteps became too quiet to hear, I heard the child scream.”_

_“He told me the story of an old man who’d recently died. This Gul killed him in front of his son. The old man had trusted the Gul with his life and lost it to him.”_

_“His father is in town and he wants to prove that he’s no longer having an affair that had been found out. He was seeing a married woman.”_

_“I was fought over today. Two of my regulars both wanted a turn at once. They got in a fight and somewhere along the way, one killed the other.”_

_“This one had a young man with him, a prize he’d taken from a rival. Cardassians can leave marks on their property that no one else can detect. He planned to send the boy back to his rival carrying his own mark, and covered in bites and bruises, as a way to show that he’s the stronger man. It’s disgusting.”_

…

Like with any enigma tale, the plot was complicated, with rounds of process of elimination puzzles to figure out who each story was referring to. Julian didn’t care for this aspect, but the story itself interested him. The suspects were all guilty of crimes of passion, none of which had to do with the state. He’d become convinced that Cardassian authors were legally required to write about patriotism and nothing else, but it seemed like they still could talk about other, more interesting things.

Julian wasn’t sure how much of the story was chosen by Garak as a reference to Tain. How many of these crimes was he guilty of? 

When the story concluded, Garak was immediately ready to discuss it, but Julian could tell that he wasn’t in a debating mood. This wasn’t a game.

“That wasn’t that bad. It was repetitive in places and none of the characters stood out, but this is the best Cardassian work you’ve shown me so far.”

“Now that we’re beyond courting, I no longer have to try to provoke arguments, so I decided to look for something that you might genuinely like. I thought you’d appreciate the lack of overt patriotism in the text.”

“I thought it was illegal to write anything else on Cardassia.”

“As much as we all hate to admit, we don’t spend every waking moment thinking only of our duty to the state. That’s what we’re supposed to do, but I don’t think any of us have actually managed. This particular tale is all about things Cardassians think about when not thinking of their duty, as well as things that they think about instead of thinking of their duty.”

“And, just like with ancient Humans, it’s all about sex.”

“Just ancient Humans?”

“Well, we all think about sex sometimes, but we’ve discovered so many other things worth our time. When we’re not working, we’re expanding our minds and using our imaginations for far more complex things.”

“Sex can be a very complex thing. As usual, Humans have come to see themselves as enlightened, having evolved beyond their baser instincts. But, we need our baser instincts for self-preservation, so there’s no point in going into denial.”

“As if Cardassians aren’t supposed to forget all of their desires in service of the state.”

“We don’t forget them. We ignore them. Unlike your people, however, we don’t deny their existence.”

“We don’t deny the existence of sex.”

“There’s more to sex than what you’re thinking of. You deny the violence in physical urges, the feelings of control and surrender involved, the madness of jealousy, the sense of unity between lovers, how one can lose themselves in such things. All those things lead to crimes of passion. You take all of that and reduce it to a game of physical pleasure and an abstract concept of love. There’s no place for passion in a perfect world. It’s too chaotic.”

“If it leads to people killing each other to eliminate competition over a mate, then maybe it is. How’s any of that different for Cardassians?”

“We’re allowed to enjoy passion in moderation. We can fight, but not kill. We can mate aggressively, but we don’t inflict pain for the sake of it.”

“But you still have to do it all in secret.”

“That’s probably for the best.”

“Elim, you’re not making sense. What does any of this have to do with Enabran Tain?”

“He was the one who taught me discipline. He can act like he’s completely in control of his actions, purely driven by his goals. He can make anything sound absolutely necessary. But, whether he’s doing something because he has to, or because he wants to, you can never tell. If he were to kill someone, he’d say it needed to be done in the name of Cardassia. Perhaps he’s right. Or, he was doing it to protect his own secrets, or to further his own career, or maybe even just because he could, though I don’t know if he’s ever harmed anyone purely for the sake of it.”

“He wants to harm you purely for the sake of it.”

“It’s punishment for my own crimes of passion.”

“You were exiled for a crime of passion?”

“That’s all you need to know about it. I will say that even before I was exiled, Tain didn’t approve of my choices when it came to those matters.”

“Was it because you preferred men?”

“Why would that matter?”

“It used to matter to Humans. There were times and places where people could be executed for having lovers of the same gender.”

“On Cardassia, there is something of a preference for relationships that can produce children, but that’s not what really matters. To a male, and to some females as well, what matters is dominance. Men are often thought of as physically superior to women, though women are the experts in science and technology. This physical superiority creates a sense of dominance. If two males are together, one must be dominant at the other will be shamed. So, men take male lovers of inferior status, those who are younger or of a lower class.”

“Or not Cardassian.”

“Bajoran men were sometimes sought after for that purpose.”

“By you?”

“No. I preferred to leave the Bajorans alone and keep to my own business. Julian, to you think I view you as an inferior because of your race?”

“I didn’t. But, the way you talk about it, now I’m not so sure.”

There was a pause. The conversation had taken a bad turn and nobody knew what to say. Julian was both younger than Garak and not a Cardassian. He fit into a pattern of dominance and submission that he’d known was there before, but it felt so much clearer now.

As for Garak, he was clearly trying to phrase his next words very carefully. Julian could only hope they weren’t lies.

“When I first met you, when I first tried to lure you into my bed, before I knew anything about you other than that you were young, pretty, naive, and Human, that was my mindset. I never would’ve forced myself on you. Some Cardassians enjoy subduing their prey, but I feel more powerful when I’m giving someone something that they want.”

“You do like making me beg a little.”

“Over time, you proved your intelligence to me, as well as your force of will when it came to your profession. Though you didn’t know it at the time, you insisted on being courted. A Cardassian doesn’t bother to court inferiors in a proper way. We don’t argue with inferiors who wouldn’t know how. Since we began exchanging books and debating them, I’ve addressed you as an equal. The way one addresses a mate in conversation is not the same as how one addresses a mate in bed.”

“I still don’t feel like your equal most of the time, to be honest.”

“I’ve noticed. You complain about my not consulting you, taking steps to protect you without your involvement. I admit that that was unfair. Considering how you faced the Lethean, you’re stronger than you look. I’ve failed to properly acknowledge that strength.”

“Perhaps you could find a way to make it up to me.”

“What do you have in mind?”

“Acknowledge my strength physically.”

“What do you mean?”

Julian knew that Garak knew what he meant. Like with most things sexual, he liked to make him say it out loud.

“Let me take control for once.”

“In what way? Tell me exactly what you want.”

Julian leaned in to whisper in Garak’s ear.

“I want to be on top tonight.”


	10. Little Ways to Compromise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian takes the lead, but he doesn't fully take control. Garak reflects on his love and his love for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the first to narrate from Garak's PoV instead of Julian's. This is because the two will have to spend some time in separate locations very soon, and both will be doing important things, so there with be Garak Chapters and Julian Chapters for a little while.

Garak wasn’t sure exactly how to react to Julian’s request. On a purely physical level, the act of being penetrated wasn’t unpleasant for him, though it had been a very long time since he’d last done it. It would be considered improper for a man his age to take a more passive role in sex on Cardassia, but he wasn’t on Cardassia and Julian wasn’t Cardassian. He couldn’t expect a Human to live up to Cardassian standards. It was clearly upsetting him to feel like an inferior, and Garak didn’t want to upset him.

“Julian, on Cardassia, this would be considered a great offense, but I believe I’ve already said that I can deny you nothing. It’s no offense to me personally, which is probably what matters to you.”

Julian kissed Garak deeply, a non-verbal “thank you” for granting his request. When he pulled back, he looked Garak over with sexual interest. But, that interest seemed to devolve into confusion after a moment.

“Is something the matter?”

“I’m not sure of how this is supposed to work.”

“I thought that might be the case. Might I suggest a compromise?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you can penetrate me, be on top of me literally, if you wish, but that I might still take a guiding role until we get to that point.”

“That’s probably for the best. I liked you playing teacher the first time we were together.”

“Well, this time, I’d prefer to keep the lessons as short and to the point as possible. Let’s go ahead and remove our clothing. I’d rather take responsibility for my own attire, if you don’t mind.”

“Go right ahead. I’m still not sure how your clothes come off. Where’s the zipper, or buttons, or whatever keeps them attached to you?”

“It’s another secret of mine.”

“I can’t comprehend why it needs to be, but what isn’t a secret with you?”

Julian removed all his clothes within less than thirty seconds and had to spend several minutes waiting for Garak to catch up. He wore a lot of layers to block out the cold of the station and he was very careful and particular with each and every one of them. Julian had no problem casting his uniform aside. He’d pick it up later. But, Garak worked with clothing for a living and had learned to treat it with respect. He’d have Julian do the same, but the low quality of both the Starfleet uniforms and Julian’s civilian fashion sense convinced Garak that the Human’s clothing didn’t really need to be respected.

Garak much preferred the body underneath that clothing. He was surprised by just how attracted he was to a form that was so utterly non-Cardassian. It wasn’t just the soft skin, patches of hair, or lack of ridges. Even for a Human, Julian had narrow shoulders and a slight frame. Garak had recently discovered that Julian’s uniform contained some sort of padding to create the illusion of a more muscular build. Whether this was Starfleet’s or Julian’s idea, he didn’t know, but he assumed it was the latter. 

Humans, though they denied it, took gender roles very seriously and men were meant to have a certain build. From what he could gather, young Human males were meant to have broad shoulders and well-defined muscles on their chest and abdomen. They were meant to have muscular arms and a certain amount of hair of their chests. Their prUts, or “cocks” as they called them, were supposed to be long, far longer than what would even be natural for a Cardassian. It was absurd.

Garak looked upon the body of his Human lover. Despite everything, he thought it was flawless. Even when letting Julian take the lead, Garak still caressed him, the narrow shoulders, the odd male nipples, the thin waist, all of that warm, delicate skin, a golden brown that was beginning to gain a pinkish tone from the red blood underneath.

“Elim, what are we doing?”

“What do you want to be doing, my dear?”

“I want to be inside you, but I’ve never…I don’t know…”

“The Human female ajan doesn’t have anything inside it.”

“Pretty much.”

“The main problem is that if I evert, there won’t be room, and if you fuck me, I’ll be tempted to evert. There’s an easy way around this.”

“What is it?”

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out as we go.”

Garak sat up and moved to the edge of the bed.

“Come over here.”

Julian got off the bed and got on his knees between Garak’s legs, already knowing what Garak wanted him to do. Still, he waited to be told. Garak found it amusing that even though Julian wanted to take the lead, he also still wanted to be led.

“Lick me open. I want to evert in your mouth.”

“I thought I was the one who was supposed to be in control here!”

“You are. I’m dependent on your actions for my pleasure and I’m trusting you not to bite me in places too sensitive to be bitten. I submit to you now, Julian.”

Julian clearly had done similar things to female partners before. Garak could tell that he had some idea of what he was doing as he licked his ajan. Garak wanted to reach down and pet the young man’s hair, but he felt like that would be seen as taking too much control for the moment. He had to let Julian do things on his own terms, which weren’t at all bad terms for Garak.

It didn’t take long before Garak felt himself begin to evert. Julian stopped licking and waited to take Garak’s prUt into his mouth. Garak felt warm breath as Julian’s lips wrapped around him. He was a bit more hesitant, back in unfamiliar territory. He sucked it gently, his tongue darting about here and there to taste him.

“Julian, I’m trusting you to be gentle with me, but you don’t have to be _that_ gentle.”

Julian took a deep breath and started sucking harder, taking all of Garak’s prUt into his mouth so he could stimulate the irllun with the tip of his tongue. Garak let out a low growl of approval, hoping that wouldn’t sound too aggressive to Julian. Julian didn’t seem to be paying much attention, completely focused on his task. That intense focus led to very good results and Garak could feel an orgasm about to occur.

“Fair warning, Julian. I’m going to come in your mouth and if you don’t want me to, back away now.”

Julian didn’t back away and Garak came with a growl that bordered on a roar. When the sensations faded, allowing Garak to focus, he heard Julian coughing loudly.

“I did warn you.”

“It just all came out all at once. I couldn’t swallow it all.”

“You don’t have to, though it will be a bit of a challenge to get those stains out of the carpet.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry. It’s my own fault for forgetting that Humans come in bursts, not all at once.”

“So, am I supposed to fuck you during your refractory period? Won’t that hurt?”

“It won’t hurt. I’ll enjoy feeling you rubbing against me.”

“If you say so. Get back up on the bed and lie down, please.”

Garak complied, spreading his legs to give Julian better access to his still-dripping-wet ajan. Julian wasn’t erect at the moment, the coughing fit having temporarily disrupted is sense of arousal. Garak coated is fingers in his natural lubricant and stroked Julian’s penis back to full erection, not even commenting about needing to do it. Julian moaned in his Human way, a nasally sound and bit down on one of Garak’s kinat’hU. Garak hissed from the pain/pleasure combination that biting caused. Julian’s hands traveled down Garak’s sides and hips before moving to his front, stroking his chuva.

“You’ll make me evert again if you’re not careful.”

“Are you ready for me, Elim?”

“Are you going to make me beg?”

“Are you going to beg?”

“Not if I don’t have to and I’d rather not have to.”

Julian didn’t push the subject any further, instead pushing into Garak’s ajan. It was a strange feeling for Garak, since the Human prUt was so wide at the tip and too long to fit all the way inside him. Julian didn’t seem to mind. He started to thrust slowly, going about things in the Human way at first. He eventually figured out a rhythm of thrusting and grinding in turns, satisfying the both.

“You’re very clever.”

“Tonight’s been all about finding little ways to compromise.”

“I take you’re enjoying being on top?”

“Very much so. How are you doing?”

“Very well, thank you.”

Julian appeared to have run out of words shortly after that, so he found other uses for his mouth, primarily nibbling at Garak’s chula, licking the center of it. He pinched Garak’s shoulder ridges on both sides, digging in with his fingernails when he realized that it wouldn’t leave any marks.

“Julian, harder. Please.”

Julian did everything with all of his strength, biting ridges, clawing at sides, thrusting into Garak, and Garak came again. Julian collapsed on top of Garak, though he could tell that they weren't done yet. Julian was still hard.

“Julian? Are you okay?”

“I’m enjoying this. Really, I am. Why am I not…”

Garak cut him off with a kiss.

“Julian, do whatever you need to do.”

Julian continued his thrusting. Garak wondered if he wasn’t paying enough attention to him and started to caress him again, running his hands over his chest and shoulders and down his sides to hold onto his hips as he thrust.

“You fucked me well. My trust in you was well-rewarded. Now, we’re balanced. You can fuck me was well as you can take me.”

Julian started to become more vocal, no longer so intensely focused on his task, allowing himself to feel.

“Elim! Elim…keep talking to me.”

And he did, whispering praise and sweet nothings until Julian came. He collapsed again, this time seeming completely satisfied. Garak moved out from underneath him to let him rest of the soft bed.

“Was it everything you were hoping for?”

“I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to come but I didn’t want it to end.”

“It’s only ended for now. We’ll have to do it again at some point.”

“I love you, Elim.”

Garak would’ve dismissed this as a response to good sex, especially considered how abrupt it was, but something in the way Julian looked at him made it seem more sincere than that. When Garak didn’t immediately respond, Julian kept talking.

“It’s not just the sex, it’s not just that I’ve grown attached to you, it’s not just enjoying lunches and literature. I’ve been in love before and I’ve been hopelessly obsessed before and I can tell the difference. I’m definitely in love with you. Please, say something. Are you still here?”

“Relax, Julian. I was being quiet because I didn’t want to interrupt your confession.”

“And what do you think of it?”

“I’ve loved you for longer than you’ve known, Julian. I didn’t think I’d ever have to say it.”

“But I like hearing you say it out loud.”

“You’ve gotten your revenge against me, I see.”

Garak expected Julian to laugh and continue their banter, but he didn’t. He looked Garak in the eye and Garak could see both anxiety and adoration.

“Elim. Elimlin…Nu ka zIra’I.”

Garak pulled him close and kissed him, feeling that slender body completely melt into his touch. Garak had never doubted Julian’s sincerity in his confession, but hearing him go out of his way to say it in Kardasi was truly touching. His two greatest loves came together in that moment.

Garak noticed that Julian had gone limp in his arms and was almost alarmed, but he quickly realized that the young man had fallen asleep. The stress of the Lethean’s attack made his sleep uneasy, but Garak watched over him, and by the time he’d fallen asleep, both men were completely at peace.


	11. Mursa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An interesting family visits the station and Julian is lured into a trap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here's where the plot really picks up. I hope that this change of pace won't ruin the story for anyone. But, there will be a change of pace from here on out.
> 
> I'll also be introducing a few OCs who will definitely be back.

It began as an ordinary morning. Garak and Julian woke up, got washed and dressed, ate a quick breakfast, and then Julian left for his shift at the infirmary. Garak would leave to open his shop around half an hour later, and they would see each other again for lunch.

Julian’s first patient that day was a little girl, around eleven or twelve years old. She had the nose ridges of a Bajoran and the chufa and eye ridges of a Cardassian. This didn’t seem that odd to Julian. He’s seen quite a few Bajoran mothers raising half-Cardassian children alone. However, the little girl was not escorted by a Bajoran woman, but by a Cardassian man. The child was shy, acting younger than her age, clinging to her father’s tunic and hiding behind him.

“It’s alright, Mursa. Humans aren’t dangerous.”

“He’s not my doctor.”

“Your doctor is back on Cardassia, but you need help now and this doctor is the one who’s here.”

A Cardassian man was raising his half-Bajoran daughter on Cardassia? Julian had never heard of anyone doing that. The social stigma would be too high. He immediately developed a sense of respect for this man’s courage and devotion to his child.

“Hello. Your father called you ‘Mursa’, didn’t he?”

The girl nodded.

“I’m Doctor Bashir. You don’t need to be afraid of me.”

The Cardassian man smiled at Julian with a warmth that he’d never seen in a Cardassian addressing a stranger.

“You can call me Mr. Devar.”

“And how may I help you, Mr. Devar?”

“Mursa and I are on our way to Bajor. I want her to meet some of her mother’s relatives. But, Mursa hasn’t been feeling well and I was hoping you might be able to help.”

“Of course. What’s the matter?”

Julian addressed Mursa, who was staring at him curiously.

“My ridges hurt.”

“Which ridges?”

“All of them.”

“Oh dear, that is a problem.”

Devar elaborated.

“I think it might just be growing pains of some sort, but she’s been complaining about these aches for weeks now. What really concerns me are her other symptoms. She had a terrible fever this morning, which has come and gone constantly throughout the past week, and shortly before we left Cardassia, she suffered a seizure. There was no permanent damage, but it was a cause for alarm.”

“I should say so. I’m sorry that I know so little about Cardassian anatomy. I can prescribe some medication to reduce the fever when it occurs. This is known to be effective on Bajorans, but I can’t say for certain how Mursa will react. However, since she’s partially Bajoran, it’s likely that the effects will be the same.”

“I’m willing to take the risk. If there’s any chance that this medicine could help her, then I can’t refuse. Thank you so much, Doctor.”

“It’s no trouble at all. If you have any other problems, don’t hesitate to contact me.”

Devar thanked him again and turned to leave. Mursa hesitated, turning to face Julian again.

“Thank you, sir. I will be brave.”

Julian had no idea what she meant by this. From what he could tell, Mursa was a strange child. He thought of himself when he was younger and recognized a similarity. Outside of the physical, the only major difference was that her father was clearly capable of putting her needs above his own ego. He wasn’t ashamed of her.

The hours passed without incident and Julian prepared to leave the infirmary for his lunch break. Garak wasn’t waiting to escort him to the replimat today. Julian knew that he had a lot of work to do, since he’d taken the whole afternoon off yesterday to focus on him. Julian turned in the direction of Garak’s shop, but he was stopped when Devar came running up to him.

“It’s Mursa. She’s having another seizure.”

“I should’ve prescribed something for that. I’m so sorry! Where is she?”

“Follow me.”

Julian followed, surprised to be taken to a cargo bay. He was also a bit surprised that Devar would leave Mursa in the cargo bay to get help. He assumed that somebody was watching her, but the whole situation was very confusing.

It only became more confusing when he saw Mursa being watched over by another Cardassian, a familiar one.

“Gul Dukat? I didn’t know you were here.”

“I was just stopping by. It’s not important. This child needs your help, Doctor.”

Julian forgot everything other than Mursa. He gave her a hypospray of a seizure medication, also known to work on Bajorans, but untested on Cardassians. It was all he had. Luckily, it worked perfectly and the child began to recover. She turned her head towards Julian. She had no expression on her face.

“Father didn’t mean to hurt us…”

The girl mumbled and Julian wasn’t sure what she meant by it. Was she saying Devar had hurt her in some way? But, she said “us” not “me”. Was that strange comment about being brave earlier because she knew that this was going to happen? Julian then realized that he was in an isolated cargo bay with Dukat and two strangers under what seemed to be suspicious circumstances. He found that he was angrier at Devar, a man who’d gained his respect and then poisoned his own daughter, as far as Julian could tell, to lure him into a trap.

“What the hell is this about?!”

Devar looked away from Julian. He knelt down beside Mursa and took her hand.

“You were very brave.”

“Answer me!”

“Doctor…they would’ve killed Mursa if I hadn’t done it. I’m so sorry.”

Julian was too distracted by this betrayal to think to pay attention to Dukat behind him. He didn’t realize his mistake until he heard the hiss of a hypospray and everything went black.


	12. A Little Pawn in a Big, Scary Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak's suspicions that something is very wrong are confirmed when he gets an odd visitor to his shop.

Garak knew that it was not in any way out of the ordinary for Julian to be late. In the infirmary, something could happen at any moment. There were always lives to save and if Julian wanted to save them all, Garak wasn’t about to complain. But, lunchtime came and went and the doctor was nowhere to be found. Garak didn’t want to panic, only to find that Julian was just busy and be scolded for his paranoia, but it definitely felt like something was actually wrong this time.

Garak was just about to head to the infirmary to check on Julian when a little girl wandered into his shop. There was no sign that her parents were anywhere nearby. This was especially odd, considering the child’s Cardassian features. Who would allow her to wander around a Bajoran station alone?

“Excuse me? Are you Mr. Garak?”, the little one asked.

“Yes. I am.”

He’d never seen the child before, but she knew who he was. Somebody had sent a messenger that they knew he wouldn’t shoot.

“Mr. Dukat said to tell you that an old friend is borrowing something of yours and that he’s not certain he’ll be able to return it.”

Dukat's direct involvement wasn't quite what he expected.

“Gul Dukat is here?”

“I’m not supposed to talk about that.”

“Who else is with him?”

“I’m not supposed to talk about that either.”

“Is Dukat still on the station?”

“No. He just left.”

Garak almost swore before catching himself. Not in front of the kid. She’d think he was mad at her. She was just a little pawn in this big, scary game. Garak could put the pieces together. Though members of the Obsidian Order were discouraged from having families, it wasn’t a strictly enforced rule. Family was too important to Cardassia and everyone wanted one. One of his colleagues had a child and justified it to himself by making the boy useful. He’d send him after targets, pretending to be lost, seeking help from a compassionate stranger, and he’d lure that stranger into custody.

The little girl looked a bit weak, possibly sickly. Her ridges were abnormally small for her height. Julian wouldn’t question anything that meant helping a sick child. She was most likely the daughter of an Obsidian Order agent. Seeing that she had a Bajoran nose, Garak suspected that she was one of the many children of the Occupation, the result of an undisciplined interrogator. But, if she was the child of someone in the Order, he might’ve met him and he might, if given a good motivation, lead Garak to Julian.

“Are your parents anywhere nearby?”

“Father left with Mr. Dukat. He said he’d be back very soon.”

“And yet he left you all alone on this station?”

“He said he’d be back very soon.”

“Well, until he comes back, I think you’d better stay with me. I’m the only one on the station whose name you know.”

“I guess that’s true. Doctor Bashir left with Father and Mr. Dukat.”

“I know. The doctor’s in a lot of danger.”

“Mr. Dukat knocked him out before they left. I don’t think he wanted to go.”

“I’m certain he did not.”

“Why did Mr. Dukat take Doctor Bashir?”

“Dukat and I don’t get along very well and Doctor Bashir is…very important to me. He most likely did this to hurt me.”

“Is that why he sent me to find you?”

“I’m afraid so, my child.”

“Mursa.”

“What?”

“My name is Mursa. Only Father gets to call me his child.”

Garak had never heard a child take that so literally. It was quite amusing. It was also clear from that that Mursa was somewhat young for her age. This painted a very odd picture. A ruthless Obsidian Order agent fathered a bastard child, most likely not intending to start a family with the girl’s mother, but he claimed and raised the girl as his own. Unlike any Cardassian father Garak had ever known, he gave his child, or at least allowed her to have, a Bajoran name. He used her as part of missions for the Order and left her alone on an unfamiliar space station, but the fact that she was even alive was a miracle. First, he allowed her mother to live to give birth to her, then he must’ve noticed that the child was weak and strange, but he allowed that as well. This didn’t quite add up. 

“Alright, Mursa. We’re going to have a talk with Constable Odo. He’s in charge of security on this station, so if an officer has been kidnapped, he’s the one to go to.”

“Is he always this bad at his job?”

The girl had no trouble directly stating what Garak felt at the moment.

“No. He takes security very seriously, a bit too seriously, if you ask me. But, the Obsidian Order has managed to get onto this station before.”

“Are you mad at Constable Odo?”

“A little, I must admit.”

Odo appeared to view Garak with his usual suspicion, seeing him barging into his office with a child at his side.

“Mr. Garak?”

“Doctor Bashir is missing. I have reason to believe that he’s been kidnapped.”

Mursa stepped forward and nodded.

“Father and Mr. Dukat took him. Father said I had to help or the men who brought us here were going to hurt me. Am I in trouble?”

Odo knew that, though Garak could be up to anything, this child would most likely tell the truth. The kidnapping had clearly been witnessed by at least one person. Garak wasn’t making trouble for the sake of it.

“No, you’re not in trouble. But, I’ll need to ask you a few questions. You witnessed a crime and you might’ve seen something that could help us solve it.”

Mursa shrunk away and hid behind Garak. She didn’t trust Odo when he said that she wasn’t in trouble and being told that someone wanted to ask you questions on Cardassia was never a good sign. Garak knew that the girl most likely didn’t know anything else. During his days in the Order, he’d had to reassure children that they wouldn’t be harmed when they were brought in for interrogation. The Order never physically harmed any Cardassian children, as far as Garak knew, but fear often motivated confessions without the necessity of pain. When Garak had been given the job of handling these interrogations, he quickly realized that most children would tell him everything they knew if he just asked. It was all quick, clean, and efficient, which was just what the Order wanted.

“Mursa, nobody’s going to hurt you. This isn’t an interrogation.”

The girl looked up at Garak, making eye contact as if she knew him better than she did.

“Will you stay with me?”

Garak was surprised by how quickly Mursa latched onto him, but it made sense when he thought about it. The child had been raised by Cardassians and he was the only Cardassian around. He was the only person on the station that looked like someone she might see in the market or while playing at the park. 

Garak remembered gardening in a park where a mother and daughter often visited. Even though he knew the mother, he stayed out of sight. He watched that child grow from afar. He wondered where she was now. Who did she grow up to be?

And now, who would Mursa grow up to be? The child looked up at him expectantly, silently begging for his attention. Her eyes were so dark that they seemed to be nothing but pupils.

“Of course I will, as long as Constable Odo allows it. You will allow it, won’t you, Constable?”

“Very well. Just don’t try to answer questions for her.”

Garak knew he wouldn’t be able to, so that wouldn’t be a problem. He was thankful that Mursa was there. Having to focus on looking after the child was the only reason he wasn’t tearing the entire station apart for the universal failure of the crew to protect his Julian. He had to remain calm and focused. That was only way to get him back. Garak knew that, as shameful as it was, if he didn’t get him back, he wouldn’t survive his exile for very much longer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since having OCs play major roles in a fanfic is always something of a risk, I'd like to know what people think of them so far. Both Mursa and her father, Devar, are going to be very important, but some of what I do with them might depend on audience reaction.


	13. Spending a While Alone in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian wakes up in an unknown location and thinks about what Garak might've told him about Tain via enigma tale.
> 
> CW: The story is about to take a slightly darker turn where Julian's concerned. This is the chapter where he figures that out, so this chapter ends in a cw for a later chapter, basically.

Julian woke up in someplace dark. That’s the first thing he could deduce. He opened his eyes and what could he see? Nothing. What could he hear? Nothing, but that was actually useful information. If he were on a ship or a space station, he’d be able to hear the machines humming. Hearing nothing meant that he was most likely on a planet.

What else could he tell? He was uncomfortably hot. He guessed the temperature at around 35 degrees. He could feel a wall behind him and a floor underneath that meant he was indoors. He knew it was Cardassians that kidnapped him, so he was most likely in Cardassian space, but the lack of mechanical humming and high temperature made him wonder if he was actually on Cardassia Prime.

Julian stood up, becoming aware that he wasn’t restrained in any way. It’s not like he could get anywhere in the pitch-black darkness. He was most likely in a locked cell. A very small cell, he gathered from trying to pace around in it. Unlike the holding cells in the brigs of Federation ships and stations, which were contained with forcefields, his captors seemed to go for an old-fashioned locked door. It kept any light from getting in and it kept him from seeing out.

Though he’d been knocked out, Julian wasn’t injured, from what he could tell. Everything worked right and none of it hurt. He was still in his Starfleet uniform, though his combadge had been taken. It seemed that Dukat just knocked him out and took him to Cardassia without doing anything to hurt or humiliate him. Julian had no doubt that pain and humiliation would come eventually, and the wait made him suspect that it was going to be truly horrific.

But, he’d find a way out. If he couldn’t, Garak would find him. He was probably already on the way to rescue him.

Wait. Garak would be killed if he went to Cardassia. That’s why Julian had been taken there. He was on his own until Garak found a way to get to him.

Getting the feeling that he was going to be spending a while alone in the dark, Julian began to think.

_“It was Dukat who kidnapped me, not an Obsidian Order agent, though Devar could’ve been one. Though, perhaps he was an innocent like the Bajoran who poisoned me. He sounded genuinely sorry, though he could’ve been faking. I wouldn’t put it past the Order to kill a child if someone refused their demands. The Cardassian military doesn’t spare children and they do it out in the open. I wonder if Elim killed children while he was in the Order…”_

No, best not to think about that. He was getting off the subject.

_“Most of Elim’s enemies are in the Order. Dukat probably went to them when he found out about me and became personally involved in kidnapping to make the revenge partially his. The most likely scenario is that this was orchestrated by Enabran Tain. Elim fears him more than anyone else and our relationship is not only something for Tain to exploit, but the very reason why he wants me out of the way.”_

The first question on Julian’s mind was: “Now what?”

_“So, I’ve been captured by Enabran Tain who has probably regained his command of the Obsidian Order. He might’ve come out of retirement, though probably not just for me. Tain definitely wants to kill me, but he won’t do it quickly. The good thing about that is that it will leave more time for help to arrive. The bad thing is that it’s going to hurt. Elim made it clear that Tain would want to torture me, though that seems a bit petty for him. Well, perhaps it’s not. I don’t know him as well as Elim does.”_

What did he know about Tain?

_“When I asked about Tain, Elim read me that enigma tale, so the answer’s in there somewhere. Tain likely committed at least one of those crimes. Since Elim fears Tain because he did something to upset him, Elim most likely committed one of those crimes as well, though probably not the same one.”_

Julian could only hope that Elim’s crime was one of the more sympathetic ones.

_“There are nine possibilities. There was the man who beat his wife, the man who had an affair with a servant, the man who killed the pregnant mother of his child, the man who hid a bastard son, a man who abused his son…Wait. Those crimes aren’t exactly mutually exclusive. In the order they’re told, they connect to one another. A man has an affair with a woman beneath his station and she becomes pregnant, but, if he didn’t kill the mother, he would have an illegitimate child to hide. So, the man doesn’t commit the third crime after committing the second, leading to the fourth. Then, if he has a child, a child he very well could’ve killed in the womb, and that child isn’t officially recognized as his, so his parenting wouldn’t be judged, he could’ve wanted to abuse the child and have gotten away with it.”_

But, the rest of the crimes didn’t connect to this narrative. 

_“An affair with a married woman and the death of a man in a fight over a woman could’ve easily revolved around the same woman, but the servant girl had disappeared from the narrative by this point and the controversy was over her social status, not that she was married. It could be another woman, a lover after the servant had left or died, but there’s no reference to how she left the story. Elim didn’t write the story, he’s just projecting onto it, so everything might not match exactly, but we’re also looking for Elim’s crime alongside Tain’s. An affair with and a fight over a married woman would be a ‘crime of passion’, which means that Elim could’ve been telling the truth about that. Was that why he was exiled? Over a personal matter? Did Tain frame him for something? Maybe it was the murder itself. The man could’ve been important.”_

If the fight over the married woman was Elim’s crime, Julian could only assume that the others, which had taken place before it, were Tain’s crimes. Tain had a son with a servant woman, denied it, and physically abused the child in private. Since he wasn’t acknowledged as the boy’s father, he would’ve been thought of as the servant’s son with someone else. Harshly disciplining the socially inferior child of a servant would be seen as more socially acceptable than beating his own son.

But, Tain’s crimes and Elim’s crimes were part of the same story. Julian hadn’t just asked what made Elim afraid of Tain, he’d wanted to know why it was so personal. Since the servant girl obviously wasn’t married, she couldn’t have been the woman that Elim fought over. What other ways could this be personal?

A second later, it seemed obvious.

_“Elim was the son. Tain’s bastard son whom he passed off as the son of an unimportant servant. He had Elim exiled over his crime because he made it personal.”_

As for Elim’s crime, what exactly happened? Julian knew from his own experience that Elim would kill for someone he loved, but that meant killing to protect them or as revenge against someone who’d harmed them. 

_“If the husband of the woman he was with found out about their affair, he would’ve lashed out at either Elim or his wife. If it was Elim, he would’ve had to defend himself. If it was the woman, Elim would’ve fought to protect her.”_

This still left three of the enigma tale crimes unaccounted for, however. There was the man who beat his wife, the man who killed a man who trusted him, and the man who marked, most likely raped, the lover of his rival. The second of those three reminded Julian of something Dukat said when he was arguing with Elim during that one emergency.

_“My father’s only flaw was trusting you!”_

The story mentioned that the man who was killed had a son. Is that why Dukat hated Elim? That had already been made clear from their arguing, so maybe this was just an extra tidbit.

That left the first and last stories. Julian had noticed that they all went in chronological order, so the first story came before Tain’s affair, and the last story came after Elim’s exile. Since it was from before the events of Elim’s birth, Julian guessed that that one wasn’t as important as the others. Maybe Tain beat the servant girl or he had a wife whom he either killed or who left him because of the abuse. Maybe this was the one story that didn’t mean anything.

But that last story…

_“This couldn’t have been Elim. Maybe it’s too optimistic of me to think so, but Elim doesn’t hurt people for petty reasons. He justifies his actions as being for the good of Cardassia, and there’s no way he could’ve done that with something like this. The criminal made it explicitly clear that he was hurting a rival’s lover purely to hurt his rival. Elim might be a violent man, but that’s not his type of violence. If this isn’t something Elim did, then we’re back to Tain. But, Elim had already been exiled by this point. Had Tain done something like this to the woman Elim was seeing? That’s a possibility, but there’s something else to consider. All of the crimes of passion in the story, all of the romances and such, were about men and women. The last story could’ve had the lover be a woman and nothing would’ve changed. This is the only story where the lover is a man…”_

There wasn’t any room in the timeline for a second, male lover. There probably wasn’t enough room for Elim do have been with anyone between the woman and him. He was lonely in exile, even when the station was still Cardassian. Julian had changed that.

A second, male lover. A male lover who was kidnapped by his lover’s rival as an act of revenge.

The last story wasn’t about the past. It was a warning for the future. He’d been told exactly what Tain would do to him. Torture was a vague threat, not invoking any specific images, just many vague ones, but this…

Hours after being taken prisoner by the Obsidian Order, Julian began to feel ill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are quite a few beta canon references here, mostly to A Stitch in Time, but I haven't had a chance to actually read the book and got most of my info from synopsis. So, if any details are majorly wrong, oops. Since Julian is guessing a lot here, you could say that he's missing a few details, so his interpretation of events might be slightly off.
> 
> Another Tiny Thing: Since I'm American, I know what it's like not to know Celsius temperatures. For anyone who didn't look it up and didn't already know 35 C is around 95 F.


	14. Enabran Tain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enabran Tain makes his appearance, but he treats Julian more like a guest than a prisoner. Julian is more terrified than he would've been if he'd been treated like a prisoner.

More hours passed. Julian waited in his cell, not sure what to do next. Elim had told him what Tain would do, but he hadn’t told him what _he_ was supposed to do. They planned to prevent this from happening, with no plans for if it actually happened. Perhaps Elim had plans for how to rescue Julian, but he hadn’t shared them with anybody. Or perhaps the answer was also in the enigma tale.

Julian had already known that if Elim couldn’t get to him, he’d be tortured and killed, though Tain might’ve planned to just torture him, if this somehow followed the book. Either way, it was just beginning to feel real. This wasn’t a puzzle to solve, some game on the holosuite where he could just end the program if things went too far. This was happening. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

He had to calm down. Panicking in the face of danger wouldn’t do him any good and he didn’t what to show Tain that he had the power to leave him shaking in fear without saying a word to him. Whatever happened, he had to keep fighting. He had no hopes of escape, but if he kept fighting, he could buy time until he was rescued. He knew Elim would come for him. He’d be able to find out where he was and he’d know what to do. He’d been in situations this dangerous before.

Julian had nearly lost track of the hours that had passed when someone finally came for him. The lights were turned on, and after hours in darkness, it was like the blinding flash of an explosion

“My apologies for startling you. I thought you were still asleep.”

Julian recognized Enabran Tain’s voice. He forced himself to remain calm, like when Dukat confronted him before.

“I woke up a while ago actually.”

“You don’t seem surprised to see me.”

“Elim warned me that you were likely to come after me.”

Elim. He wouldn’t deny their relationship. There was no point. Tain was the one who told Julian that name.

“Of course he did. Was he scared enough to tell you directly, or did he give you a riddle to solve?”

“Both, in a way.”

_Give honest answers when it won’t hurt you. The truth will protect the lies._

Julian remembered that as a line from _Meditations on a Crimson Shadow_. A young Cardassian soldier had been captured by Klingons and an older prisoner advised him on how to handle interrogations. It was then revealed that Klingons didn’t know how to interrogate “properly”, implying that these were techniques for surviving Cardassian interrogations that had been presented in such a way that the text wasn’t banned for it. Even before they were lovers, Elim had been using Cardassian literature to teach Julian how to defend himself.

Tain smiled affably at Julian’s response.

“That’s just like him, complicating even the complications. Now, come along, Doctor. Dinner is nearly ready.”

“Dinner? You want me to have dinner with you?”

“You’re my guest.”

“If I’m your guest, why did you have to send people to set a trap and drug me to bring me here?”

“If a prisoner is of high enough value, I prefer to consider them a guest.”

Julian noticed that the room they’d stepped into looked far too nice for a Cardassian prison. They were in a house, going right along with the whole “guest” illusion. Perhaps this was Tain’s house on Cardassia from before his retirement. The decor was lavish. This was a house of a man of high status. Old movies he’d seen showed the elaborate mansions that wealthy people on Earth had lived in before currency was abolished. This place was a movie set, larger than life, not quite real. Of course a man who made a career of secrets and lies would live in a house that seemed like a lie. 

As for the purpose of the room, it appeared to be Tain’s study. Julian’s “cell” had been a small room inside the room, probably some kind of closet, though Julian had never seen a closet where the light-switch was outside. He rarely saw lights with switches at all, but this did appear to be a very old house.

Unlike in those old movie houses, the dining room was fairly small. It was just for family. An old woman was serving food for three people. When she saw Julian, she didn’t seem the least bit surprised.

“Welcome, Doctor. How is Elim? I haven’t heard from him since he was exiled.”

The woman had access to Tain’s information and she knew Elim.

“He’s well, worried sick about me right now, I’d assume, but well.”

“That’s good to hear. Perhaps he’ll pay us a visit sometime soon.”

“I hope so.”

The woman expected Elim to come after him. Tain had to have plans for such an event.

“Do sit down, Doctor. Make yourself at home.” Tain said.

“Thank you, sir.”

Tain sat down next to Julian. He wanted to pull his chair further away, but then it would be too obvious that he was afraid of him. The woman sat across from Tain.

To avoid thinking about the man next to him, Julian examined the food on his plate. It was all food from Earth, specifically from the region known as the Middle East. That’s where Julian’s mother was from and these were all foods she’d made for him when he was a child. They were among the few happy memories from that time. He looked at the other plates on the table and saw nothing he recognized, possibly Cardassian dishes that Elim hadn’t introduced him to.

“I had to have my replicator reprogrammed to include foods from Earth. I hope the program works well enough.”

Tain pretending that Julian was his guest was one thing. Knowing and offering him the tea he liked was one thing. This was quite another. He must’ve known that nothing he did would lull Julian into a false sense of security, so why bother?

“You really didn’t have to go out of your way.”

“Cardassian food isn’t well-liked among Humans. I’d be a bad host if I only gave you food that you found to be inedible.”

“Well, I should thank you for going through all the trouble.”

Julian didn’t touch the food. If he was given something separate from what his “hosts” were eating, there was a chance that it could be poisoned or drugged. As if able to read his mind, the woman spoke.

“There’s no need to be afraid of your dinner, Doctor. If Enabran wanted to poison you, he would’ve had it done on Deep Space Nine.”

Enabran. The woman felt like she could call him by his first name without consequence. If he knew nothing about the pair, he’d believe them to be husband and wife. Was this woman Tain’s servant girl? That would make her Elim’s mother.

He knew that meeting a lover’s parents could be awkward, but nothing was worse than this.

“May I ask for your name?”

The name Garak had to come from somewhere. If it wasn’t his father’s name, it was probably his mother’s.

“You may call me Mila.”

“Your first name?”

“My family’s not an important one.”

If her last name was Garak, she obviously knew better than to just say it. But, a servant would most likely come from an unimportant family.

Julian wanted to ask Mila more questions in order to solve this mystery, but he knew he was unlikely to get anywhere. Instead, he picked at his food. It tasted alright, not as good as his mother’s, but it was recognizable.

Julian hoped that they could eat dinner in silence or that he could just listen to Tain and Mila talk about nothing. But, Elim had to have inherited his love of conversation from one of them, and it appeared to be Tain.

“So, Doctor, has Elim introduced you to any Cardassian art? Music? Literature?”

“You would know, since you keep such a close eye on him.”

“Oh, I know what books he’s given you, but your opinions on them often get lost in the chatter of the replimat. I’d love to hear what you think of them.”

“Any book in particular?”

“How about _The Never-Ending Sacrifice_?”

“Is that the first title that every Cardassian thinks of when they hear the word ‘book’?”

“It is one of the greatest works of art ever made on Cardassia Prime.”

“Elim said something very similar.”

“I take it that you didn’t agree.”

“We had quite the argument about it.”

Argument. Was Tain trying to start an argument? A literary debate over a meal? Julian was a prisoner. What was the point? What the hell did he think he was doing?

“Don’t look so embarrassed, Doctor. Cardassians enjoy a good argument.”

“I know. I know exactly what a good argument can mean to a Cardassian. Still, I’d rather not argue with my host.”

Coded Message: “I know that you’re trying to imitate Elim’s flirtation with me. I’m not playing along with it.”

“You’re a well-mannered young man, Doctor. If circumstances were different, you’d serve Elim well.”

“But they aren’t different. If they were, I wouldn’t be here.”

“If things were as they should be, Elim would never have had a chance to meet you. I wasn’t lying when I told you that I missed him. He was the best interrogator the Order had. His work was both efficient and creative. There was one man, a doctor, actually, named Parmak. Elim got a confession from him in three, maybe four hours. Not an unusual amount of time, but do you know how he did it?”

“No. He hasn’t told me much from his days as an interrogator.”

“Elim just stared at Parmak for those four hours. He drove the man half-mad with just the look in his eyes. It was a thing of beauty, a true work of art.”

“I wonder what sort of look he had in his eyes while he stared. Did he stare Parmak down intimidatingly or was it a silent plea that made him give in out of guilt?”

“Elim never told me and no one else reported on it. I’ve actually never given it that much thought. What matters is that it worked.”

“According to Federation research, the most reliable methods of interrogation, what works, is to make the subject trust the interrogator by empathizing with them without violence.”

“That doesn’t usually apply to Cardassians.”

“Has the Obsidian Order done any research? Wouldn’t they want to make sure that they were using the most efficient and reliable techniques?”

“We know that our methods are efficient and reliable. I’ve seen them work perfectly many times. Does that count as research, Doctor?”

“Not if you haven’t compared data on a variety of methods.”

“I haven’t compared data, but I do enjoy variety. Don’t Humans have a saying about that? ‘Variety is the spice of life’?”

There was no emotional intensity to it. It was casual. But, Julian realized that this discussion sounded a lot like an argument. When Julian saw through the more obvious attempt to start a debate, Tain worked the conversation around into a more subtle one. It seemed that if Tain wanted something to happen, it was inevitable. Julian tried to hide his reaction, only for Mila to catch it.

“You look a bit pale, Doctor. Does that mean you’re not feeling well?”

“Yes, I’m afraid I’m not feeling very well. It’s probably the heat. Humans prefer lower temperatures than this.”

“I’ll have the temperature in your quarters lowered.” Tain said.

“My quarters?”

“Did you think I was going to make you sleep in the closet? No, this house has plenty of spare bedrooms and there’s one waiting for you. Mila, why don’t you show Doctor Bashir to his room?”

The path between the dining room and the bedroom he’d been assigned was a bit of a maze. At the end of it was a small bedroom. It was nicely decorated, though the style wasn’t quite the same as the rest of the house. It was a more modern Cardassian style with a bolder color scheme. Tain had clearly already had the heat turned down to a more comfortable 20 degrees. There was a nice bookshelf with old print copies of several Cardassian works. Thanks to Elim’s lessons, Julian could read a few of the titles. All of those titles were familiar, especially The Complete Collection of Shoggoth’s Enigma Tales.

This was Elim’s room.

Well, if he was raised in this house, his room would’ve been in there somewhere. Now that he no longer lived at the house, it made sense to have the empty room available for guests. Though the room had obviously been cleaned recently and Julian lacked Cardassian senses, he felt as though Elim’s scent was still present in the room. Perhaps he’d become aware of the mark he’d left on him. Julian laid down on the soft bed, surrounded by Elim’s presence, and allowed himself to cry, just so that he wouldn’t do so when he was with Tain. 


	15. Gul Devar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dukat and Devar return to Deep Space Nine to make some sort of deal. Dukat tells a story that Kira can verify, but Garak's still skeptical. After all, this is Dukat weren't talking about.
> 
> CW: Mentions of tons of terrible shit from the occupation including rape, torture, suicide, child murder, and eugenics. None of this is described in detail, but it's talked about briefly.

“Do you know where your Father is now?”

“Mr. Dukat said that they had to bring Doctor Bashir to Cardassia right away. Father said he had to go with Mr. Dukat to make sure that the Doctor didn’t get hurt on the way there. Then Mr. Dukat told me to go to a store that was owned by a Cardassian. He said that he’d be Mr. Garak and that I had to tell him that ‘an old friend is borrowing something of yours and that he’s not certain he’ll be able to return it’. He also said that I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone where he was or who he was with. I promised, but I lied, because Mr. Dukat is scary.”

“So you decided to cooperate with his enemies in hopes that they might protect you.”

Mursa turned from Odo, who’d been asking all the questions, back to Garak, who was sitting next to her.

“You won’t let Mr. Dukat hurt me, right?”

“Of course not. Gul Dukat is a very bad man and you’re right to be afraid of him.”

“Are you afraid of him?”

“No. I’ve dealt with him too many times and I’ve learned how to deal with him. But, you don’t have the knowledge or experience to keep yourself safe around him.”

“Will you teach me?”

This child really wanted to know how to fight against Gul Dukat. Garak was seriously beginning to consider adopting her if her father was unsuitable.

“Maybe someday. Now, let’s see if we can find your father.”

“That won’t be necessary.”

Dukat had already returned of his own free will. The man beside him was clearly Mursa’s father. She ran to him and he held out his palm to her. She accepted the gesture.

“You said you’d be back very soon.”

“I was telling the truth.”

“I knew. You don’t lie to me.”

“You’re not someone I ever need to lie to.”

Odo and Garak were more concerned with Dukat. Garak tried to restrain himself. He wanted to beat the gul into the ground, but he kept his anger cold.

“Where is Doctor Bashir?”

“We’re getting straight to the point, I see.”

“Where. Is. He?”

“I can’t say for certain, but he’s most likely already on Cardassia or at least quite close to it. The last I saw him, he was being boarded onto one of Tain’s ships. I was in a bit of a hurry to return to this station, so I couldn’t take him there myself. He hasn’t been harmed, I assure you. Whatever plans Enabran Tain has for him are no concern of mine, but I didn’t to anything to him.”

“I’ve heard that you were being supervised to make sure that he wasn’t harmed. But, if you’re lying about this, I _will_ kill you.”

“Of course you would. Anything for your dear doctor. Did you know that he talks in his sleep? It was quite sweet, really. And a bit sad. He kept calling your name over and over. I doubt he’ll remember a thing, but he’s made it perfectly clear that he’s as fond of you as you are of him.”

Garak couldn’t remember the last time it was this hard not to strangle someone. Dukat kept talking when Garak said nothing.

“Mursa, I didn’t expect to see you speaking with the Constable.”

The girl clung to her father, hiding her face in his tunic.

“I thought you promised me that you wouldn’t give any detailed interviews about your father and me.”

Both father and daughter seemed too frightened to respond, so Garak took over.

“Bullying an innocent child is low even for you.”

“As if you’ve never done such a thing for the Obsidian Order.”

“I didn’t make a hobby of it.”

“And what makes you think I have?”

“You’re smiling. This is a game for you.”

Odo seemed to realize that he’d lost control of the situation for long enough.

“This is pointless. Gul Dukat, you haven’t told us the name of the man you brought with you.”

“His name is Ortek Devar, a gul by title. You might want to ask Major Kira about him. She certainly knows who he is. It was her cell that nearly destroyed the labor camp he supervised. It was around five years ago, I believe. Towards the end of the occupation. Seven years prior to that, I had my own share of trouble with him. My lover at the time killed herself because of him.”

Garak wasn’t buying this, but he had no proof. If he heard the rest of the story, perhaps he could find some. That wouldn’t be difficult. Dukat loved the sound of his own voice. But, from the look on Mursa’s face, there was something important to establish first.

“Dukat, are you certain that this story is appropriate for a child to hear?”

“I suppose it would be very stressful for her to learn what sort of person her father truly is. We should find somewhere for her to go.”

“I’ll see to that.” Odo said, “And I’ll alert Major Kira that Ortek Devar is here to confirm that she knows the name.”

Garak made sure to learn what arrangements Odo was making for Mursa. It seemed that Major Kira volunteered to look after her personally after finding out who her father was. She had her stay with Keiko O’Brien while she told everyone who the man was.

“That man is a child murderer!”

“Among other things.” Dukat added, clearly enjoying having Kira on his side.

Odo spoke to Commander Sisko and asked to hold a staff meeting so that everyone could hear the story of Ortek Devar. Since this was relevant to Garak personally, he managed to butt in. It helped that Dukat invited him. He began the story.

“Despite the number of Bajorans that consider me an enemy, I’m quite fond of them. I’ve had many Bajoran lovers, women I’ve saved from the brutality of my less disciplined officers.”

Garak was pretty sure that most of the women that Dukat “saved” were ones he’d manipulated into believing that they had the choice between him or someone worse, but he chose not to comment.

“At this time, around twelve years ago, I’d just begun seeing a woman named Loral Perin. One day, I turned my back on her just for a moment, only to find Ortek Devar in her bed. At first I was furious with her, but it soon became clear that Gul Devar was purely to blame. By the time he was done with her, she’d lost so much blood that it nearly cost her her life. Dear Perin was never the same after that day. She became pregnant with his child and I told her that she didn’t have to carry his bastard into the world, but Bajorans have certain beliefs about these things. Well, she did, at the very least. However, not long after the child was born, Perin couldn’t handle the pain any longer and stole a promazine tablet from a guard and killed herself. She couldn’t stand to look into the infant’s dark eyes, eyes she inherited from her father.”

Garak had never heard of Gul Devar until this day, so he had no idea if this was in his character. It was hard to imagine a man who was adored by his daughter raping a woman and driving her to suicide. But, he’d known people in the Order who loved killing prisoners just as much as they loved their families. These things were not mutually exclusive to Cardassians, especially when Bajorans were involved. They were usually seen as primitive, barely better than animals. People would do things to Bajorans that they’d never do to their fellow Cardassians.

But, would a man like that raise a half-Bajoran child?

Gul Dukat finished the story:

“That child, my Perin’s child, is Mursa. After Perin died, I was willing to raise the girl as if she were my own, but Gul Devar saw her as his own property and stole her away in the night. He was sent to supervise the Cariban Labor Camp on Bajor and he took Mursa with him. I’ve been checking up on her and I can’t help but wonder if he might be responsible for her poor health.”

Major Kira had her own story about Devar. She tended to be a more reliable source than Dukat, so even if his story was completely false, hers would either be completely true or inaccurate only due to misunderstanding or the failures of Bajoran memory, which faded as quickly as Human memory did. The two races had a surprising amount in common.

“Me and several other members of my cell were set to liberate Cariban. I think it was around five years ago. We weren’t quite ready yet when a man named Toras came to us. Gul Devar was planning to have his daughter killed, handed over to a hospital to be experimented on, because she couldn’t work. She was seven years old, but she couldn’t even hold a fork. All of the jobs given to children in the camp, not the same as the adults as his way of getting around Dukat’s child labor laws, were impossible for her. They were going to torture a child to death because she couldn’t work!”

Garak knew that some Cardassian parents wouldn’t let such a child live. They’d see it as a mercy to kill them. It was illegal to do it, but some types of parents will break the law for children they see as too defective to function in society. He wondered what Federation parents did in those sorts of situations.

“We helped Toras and his daughter sneak out, but we were caught. Gul Devar and some other man that managed the camp detained us. Devar already had a reputation for being one of the more sadistic guls on Bajor. His targets were young men, not boys, thank the Prophets, but younger men. Toras was barely thirty and seemed to be Devar’s type. He raped him, beat him, slowly tortured him until he died from his wounds, with his daughter watching the whole thing! It was dark, so I can only hope she didn't see. Then, the son of a bitch had the other man with him take her away to be killed. The rest of us were let go, as we weren’t his problem and none of us interested him like Toras did.”

The two stories were both of an incredibly sadistic man, a monster by anyone’s standards, but Garak felt like they didn’t describe the same person. According to Major Kira, Devar seemed to have exclusively male victims. But in Dukat’s story, his target was a woman who he impregnated.

Something seemed off about the whole thing.

“Dukat, if I may ask you a question, why were you working with Gul Devar earlier?”

“The man made some sort of deal with the Obsidian Order, but he’s also part of a deal. Cardassia is offering Ortek Devar to Bajor to be tried for his crimes against Bajorans. We’re offering to make an exchange. We’ll give you Devar, if you give us Bashir.”

“Couldn’t you have made this deal _before_ you kidnapped him?”

“It couldn’t wait. Enabran Tain insisted. Doctor Bashir is guilty of espionage, seducing state secrets out of a former operative.”

“What?”

“Said former operative, Elim Garak, is already in exile for another crime, so the doctor was the only one we could punish.”

Garak thought to argue that Julian was a Federation citizen, not Cardassia’s to discipline, but that hadn’t stopped Chief O’Brien from being detained a year prior, also on false charges that everyone knew were false.

Garak had actually nearly argued from Federation morality. It was most likely what Julian would’ve argued.

Commander Sisko didn’t seem interested in Dukat’s deal at all.

“What would happen if we refused and demanded that Doctor Bashir be returned immediately?”

“I can’t say for certain. It would depend upon Enabran Tain.”

“Sir,” the Major contributed, “Ortek Devar was partially responsible for Bashir’s kidnapping. Shouldn’t he at least be held accountable for that?”

“We can keep him in custody temporarily.”

As far as Garak could tell from what Mursa had said, Devar had been acting under duress. But, he knew what Dukat had done. Involving a monster who terrorized Bajorans emotionally charged the situation in a way that would keep Major Kira from asking questions, and she was second-in-command. The Commander wouldn’t do whatever she told him, but he’d take her advice when it came to diplomatic relations between the Federation and Bajor, and if the Bajorans knew that the Federation had refused to bring Devar to justice in favor of saving one of their own officers, it would seriously damage relations between the two factions.

Of course, Dukat had his weaknesses. He focused his plan on the object of his obsession and assumed that Garak would be allowed no say in the matter.

“Commander, I would like to ask Gul Devar a few questions.”

“I’m not subjecting anyone to a Cardassian interrogation on this station.”

“I don’t intend to interrogate him in that manner. I simply want to get his side of the story. Isn’t that a key part of the Federation justice system?

But Kira lashed out:

“Do you want to find a reason to let that son of a bitch go just because it _might_ save Bashir?! Why’s this any of your business anyway?!”

To Garak’s surprise, Chief O’Brien spoke up in his defense.

“Garak is very close to Bashir, Major. He’s going to want to prioritize his safety.”

“Did he tell you that? And you believed him?!”

“Julian told me. I don’t trust Garak, but I know that Julian does and I’ve seen Garak save his life before. I can believe that his concern is genuine and that Julian’s life matters far more than abstract Bajoran justice.”

Hearing O’Brien speak gave Garak an idea. It reminded him of the other O’Brien and who she was currently looking after. Mursa might know something about her father.

“If I can’t speak with Gul Devar, could I speak to Mursa? I won’t hurt her. She’s just a child and she trusts me. She’ll tell me the truth if I ask.”

The Major shrugged.

“Fine. But, I’ll be watching you the whole time.”

“Be my guest, Major. You might find this enlightening for your own purposes.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, another audience participation question:
> 
> What do you think of Dukat's story? What about Kira's? What do you think is going on?
> 
> Next chapter, we're back to Julian and another piece of the puzzle will fall into place.


	16. Somewhere Far Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian meets Tain's new psycho for hire and tries to think of new ways to hold onto his sanity.
> 
> CW: Torture. Most if it isn't shown or directly referred to. It's nothing worse than an actual episode of the show, but worth a warning none the less.

Most of the next day passed just as the evening before it had. Julian ate meals with the “family” and was then returned to his room. The stress of anticipation, knowing what was going to happen but not when, wore him out fast and he spent most of the day sleeping. He wasn’t quite at the point of being bored, but he was beginning to wish that something would happen before he went mad. Perhaps this was part of Tain’s torture. If a man could be broken just by being stared at for a few hours, than a day of vague nothing could be almost as painful.

Julian was almost thankful when, after another awkward “family” dinner, Tain invited him into his study to play a game of kotra. Julian was surprised when they actually ended up playing kotra. He was alone with Tain in a space that Tain had absolute control over and Tain was continuing to act like he was killing time with a friend.

“It’s been a while since I’ve spent any time in this room. I’ve lived on the Arawath Colony for several years. It’s very peaceful up in the mountains, though very isolated.”

“Is that why you returned to Cardassia City? Loneliness?”

“Boredom, actually. An old man in his retirement can’t do much to serve Cardassia. I don’t want to spend the last years of my life waiting to die. So, I’m coming out of retirement and taking back control of the Obsidian Order.”

“Are you sure the workload won’t be too much for you?”

“That’s what I’m bringing Elim back for.”

Julian hadn’t expected that. If Tain wanted to end Elim’s exile, he wouldn’t care whether he was isolated or not. Julian would no longer be in his way.

After seeing Julian’s confused expression, Tain elaborated.

“Shortly before I retired, I was getting a bit worn out. The more physical aspects of the job were becoming quite taxing. So, I began to just supervise interrogations, ask the questions, and Elim would do the more physically demanding tasks if the subject didn’t cooperate.”

Julian wondered why Tain was telling him all this. He didn’t need to tell a detailed story to answer Julian’s question. This was taking just a bit too long. Whenever Elim said more than he needed to, that usually meant that there was something hidden inside the words. Apparently, Tain was the one who taught him how to talk that way.

So, Julian stayed quiet and let Tain keep talking, searching for the coded message.

“There were a few times when interrogations involved a conflict of interest. If Elim knew the subject too well, but not well enough to get what was needed out of them, there were a few occasions when I couldn’t get him to cooperate. I never even asked him to help in situations where I knew that would happen. That’s what my other operatives were for. I’ve actually invited one of them over tonight, a man from the military who got funneled into the Order because no one else could handle him. He turned out to be a very skilled interrogator, though perhaps a bit overzealous.”

There was the message. Tain was physically not in good enough condition to torture Julian personally, at least not in the way he wanted to, so he was calling someone else in to do his dirty work, things that if Elim were still in the Order, he’d refuse to do.

Around twenty minutes later, there was a knock on the door. The man who entered the room looked vaguely familiar to Julian, though Julian knew he was a stranger. He’d never seen a Cardassian with bright, golden yellow eyes

The man exchanged formal greetings with Tain, who turned to Julian to introduce him.

“Doctor, this is Gul Devar.”

“Ortek, please. I would like for us to be friends.”

“That’s odd. It was a man named Devar who helped to capture me. Is there any relation?”

“My brother. Gul Dukat has him doing some community service for the Order. He’s been hiding a wanted criminal for five years!”

A wanted criminal on Cardassia usually meant someone who questioned the state or a Bajoran fighting back against their oppressors. The other Devar was most likely a better man than his brother.

Julian almost wanted to laugh. Ortek Devar was the other Devar’s evil twin.

But, the situation Julian was in was no laughing matter. Tain had brought Ortek in to torture him. Why Ortek came to Tain’s home instead of Julian being sent to some sort of facility, he still didn’t know. But, it was time. Tain was about to end his mind game and show his true colors. Julian tried not to let his awareness show on his face. Another line in _Meditations on a Crimson Shadow_ :

_“Be afraid, but do not show them your fear. It gives them more pleasure than your pain. Let fear keep you alert, but keep it hidden, like an actor behind a still mask.”_

Tain and Ortek talked for a while about insignificant things as if Julian wasn’t there. They spoke to each other in Kardasi, assuming that Julian wouldn’t be able to understand. Even if Elim had been teaching him, most Humans would not be able to learn an alien language very quickly. Of course, Julian wasn’t like most Humans. It often frustrated him that the things he hated about himself the most were usually the things that kept him alive.

Julian faked confusion, giving the impression that he didn’t understand what his captors were saying, in hopes that they might say something useful, thinking that he wouldn’t understand. Tain continued to be cautious, but, after a while, Ortek began to slip and Tain had to play along, to a certain extent.

“Gul Dukat said that I would be allowed to choose my methods.”

“This isn’t an interrogation, Devar. We’re trying to send a message.”

“To Garak?”

“Garak needs to know that if he works for the Order, he’s under my control. He is mine and everything he has is mine to control. He can have access to it only with my permission.”

“Which is why the mark has to be yours.”

“You may have your turn if you insist, but after it’s done, it’s done. You will only do to him what I order you to after that point. Are we clear?”

“Yes, sir. When do we start?”

“Tonight. We’ll take him to one of the prison facilities and you can make your choices, but I’ll be supervising and if I tell you not to do something, you don’t do it. I just want to do a bit of damage to make my message clear. I intend to have him patched up in the morning. This is only to frighten him a little.”

“The more afraid he is, the more upset Garak will be.”

“Which will make him more likely to cooperate.”

So tonight would only be the beginning. They wanted to break him so the sight of him as an emotional wreck would scare Elim into obeying Tain’s orders. Tain felt betrayed by Elim and wanted to have some sort of hold over him to prevent another betrayal. If that first betrayal was over a lover, he’d make sure he had control of Elim’s access to his next lover and use that as leverage. Obeying is what would get him his reward. 

Julian hadn’t expected Elim’s weakness to be that he was secretly a hopeless romantic underneath all the layers of cynicism he’d gained over the years. But, now was not the time to be distracted by how sweet that was. Julian put that aside as a comforting thought for later, when he’d desperately need one.

There were no false pleasantries or harsh orders when they left the house. Julian was told to follow the others into a skimmer. He got in and Tain drugged him, knocking him out so he wouldn’t have a chance to see where they were going. The skimmer was built to carry two people, so Julian was vaguely aware that he’d be spending the journey lying on someone’s lap, but he’d be unconscious for it, so he let that thought leave his mind before he passed out.

He woke up in the sort of location he would’ve expected to have woken up in after he was kidnapped. It was some sort of dark, uncomfortable chamber. He was lying on the cold floor. He sat up, thankful that his only injury so far was a mild headache. Said headache worsened when a bright light was shined directly into his eyes.

“Stand.”

Tain’s voice, coldly giving commands. Here was the ruthless head of the Obsidian Order. Things were starting to seem normal now. At that moment, Julian wasn’t afraid. He stood.

“Strip.”

Miles had told him about having to do this sort of thing. It was a common humiliation tactic. Still, in the context of what he knew would eventually happen to him, it was hard to see this as the routine procedure that it was.

Julian hesitated for a moment too long. Tain didn’t say a word, but Ortek appeared out of the shadows, sneaking up on Julian from behind, and grabbing him, holding a knife to his throat. The blade slowly traveled down, slicing through the top of his uniform. Then, the knife was thrown aside. Ortek ripped the rest of Julian’s uniform off of him with his bare hands. 

Julian didn’t even realize he was struggling until he’d been kicked to the floor, a heavy boot pressing down on his bare back.

…

_“Elim, were you ever tortured?”_

_“I was given my implant to make it impossible.”_

_“But now that the implant’s gone, what would you do if you had to face an Obsidian Order interrogation?”_

_“Now? I’m not sure, actually. Perhaps I’d just close my eyes and think of Cardassia. You can retreat into your mind, somewhere far away from wherever you are. You can find a place where nothing can touch you, no one can find you. That’s what I’ve been told. I’d think of my favorite places on Cardassia. I’d take myself home.”_

…

Julian could see Deep Space Nine. He was home, in bed, waiting for Elim to finish his work. He was working late that night. But he’d be home soon. All he had to do was wait. It wouldn’t be long now. Elim was never late.

Soon. It wouldn’t be long. He just had to wait a little while longer...

Julian was brought out of his trance by a blow to the face. He was hanging by his wrists, another common feature of Cardassian interrogations. His arms already ached.

It was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we fade to black...
> 
> We'll be back with Garak next chapter to get all this Devar Details sorted out.


	17. Narin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mursa and her father talk and Garak and Kira discover that, surprising no one, Dukat lied about basically everything.
> 
> CW: This chapter refers to the same Bajoran Occupation events as chapter 15. It's more sad than scary, actually.

When he’d woken up in the morning, Garak believed he’d be having dinner in his quarters with his Julian, comparing enigma tales to Human mystery novels. He never would’ve guessed that he’d end up dining with Major Kira in her quarters, mostly interacting with a child. Garak had nothing against said child, of course, but he wouldn’t be particularly happy with anyone until he knew that Julian was safe. 

Mursa was happy to see Garak. She still wasn’t comfortable being around non-Cardassians, having no memories of spending any time around them. She didn’t remember ever living on Bajor, though she might’ve simply not known that that was the name of the planet she lived on when she lived on it.

“There was another place before our house. There were more green things there, but our house there was brown. The green things were all on the other side of the fence.”

“The fence around the camp.” Kira translated, somewhat unnecessarily. 

From what Garak knew about the living conditions in Bajoran labor camps, the laborers lived in dirty, “brown” houses, but guls and their families lived in nearby estates on the other side of the fence. Mursa apparently lived in the camp, not beside it. This wasn’t the life of a daughter of a gul. He decided to keep questions going from there.

“Did you ever go to the green side of the fence?”

“Sometimes. Father would take me out to play there. He said he wasn’t supposed to, but he thought that wasn’t very fair.”

This made it sound like Mursa’s father was a gul, but she lived separately from him in the camp.

“Did your father live on the brown side of the fence or the green side?”

“Green side, I think.”

“If he lived on the green side, then why were you on the brown side?”

“I don’t know. He said his brother didn’t want me on the green side and he owned the house they were living in.”

“If you didn’t live with your father, then who were you living with?”

Mursa took a while to answer this one. Did she really not remember?

“Hmm…Lots of people lived in the brown houses. Our brown house was the biggest. Father made sure we were taken of.”

“Who is we? Do you remember who lived in the biggest brown house with you?”

Mursa began to zone out, staring off into space and not responding to anyone for a very long time. Major Kira tried to get her attention.

“Mursa, what’s the matter?”

Mursa stared at the Major and then suddenly jumped back in surprise. She began to cry, any words she said coming out as random garbled syllables. But, Garak was pretty sure he could recognize the word “Papa” in there somewhere. Mursa’s father was always “Father” without any affectionate nickname up until this point. Major Kira clearly had no idea how to react to this. Garak had an idea.

“Mursa, where are you?”

More babbling.

“Mursa, I’m going to ask you some questions and I want you to hold up one finger if the answer is ‘yes’, two if it’s ‘no’, and three if you don’t know. Can you do that?”

Mursa held up one finger, already following instructions.

“Good. Mursa, are you on a space station?”

Two fingers. Garak’s suspicions were confirmed. Mursa was reliving something, something she didn’t have words for.

“Are you on Bajor?”

Three fingers.

“Are you on the brown side of the fence?”

Two fingers.

“Are you on the green side of the fence?”

One finger.

“Is your father with you?”

One finger.

“Are there other people with you?”

One finger.

“Are they supposed to be out there?”

Two fingers.

“Are you in trouble?”

One finger.

Garak pointed to Major Kira, testing a theory.

“Is she there with you?”

One finger.

“Major, didn’t you mention a little girl whose father escaped the camp with her? You said she was taken away and killed, but Mursa would’ve been around the same age as that girl five years ago. What if she didn’t die? What if the man that Gul Devar ordered to take her away to be killed hid her instead?”

“That girl was fully Bajoran.”

“So are you, but when Entek wanted you to appear Cardassian, you did. Could Devar’s aid have disguised the girl and hidden her? He could’ve claimed that she was his daughter to smuggle her to Cardassia.”

“But why would someone who worked for Devar want to do that?”

“Legates decide who serves under which gul. The aid most likely had no choice but to work for a man he disagreed with.”

“Can you do anything to prove this theory?”

“I can ask Mursa. Mursa, does your father have ridges?”

One finger.

“Do you have ridges?”

Two fingers.

“Fully Bajoran.”

“But she remembers Devar’s aid as her father.”

“Because that’s what he later became. From the other things she’s revealed, the fact that he took her outside the camp to play, he was already being kind to her. She could’ve viewed him as a paternal figure even then.”

“But, I know that Toras was her real father. He was killed in front of her.”

“Did she call him Papa?”

“She didn’t call him anything. She couldn’t speak.”

“That explains why reliving the memory made her stop speaking. She’s remembering a time when she couldn’t talk. Though, Toras might’ve called himself her ‘Papa’. She thought of him as such.”

“Mursa, are Papa and Father the same person?”

Two fingers.

“We should speak to Devar. I don’t think he’s who Dukat claimed him to be.”

“I remember that we were in a dark chamber. I couldn’t see the faces of the two men, so if that man isn’t Ortek Devar, I wouldn’t know.”

“Mursa, do you want to visit your father?”

One finger with some enthusiastic nodding thrown in.

And so they went to see the man that Dukat claimed to be Ortek Devar. After Garak and Major Kira presented their findings, Odo allowed them to speak with the prisoner in the brig. The man was just sitting there, unresponsive, until he saw Mursa.

“Are they letting you say ‘goodbye’?”

“Goodbye?”

“Yes, my child. I’m going to have to leave you very soon. You’ll be staying with some people on Bajor who’ll help you find a new family.”

“No. You’re my family. I won’t say ‘goodbye’.”

Mursa was shaking, tearing up, but she still spoke softly. Garak had noticed that she never seemed to express emotion with her voice, only with her body. If she was unable to speak at the age of seven, words clearly didn’t come naturally to her.

“You’re not going to have to leave your father, Mursa. I promise.”

“Do you intend to take her to prisoner with me? She was involved in a kidnapping, but she’s only a child!”

“That’s not what I meant, Mr. Devar. I meant that I don’t believe you’re who Gul Dukat claimed you were. Is Devar your real name?”

“Yes.”

“Is Ortek Devar your full name?”

“Yes!”

“Somehow, I don’t think it is. Gul Devar had an aid with him on the night he killed Toras. The aid took his child, but I don’t think he followed his orders to have her killed. No, I believe she’s very much alive. Her name is Mursa, by the way. You were the aid who spared her, weren’t you?”

“Please don’t do this! It’s for Mursa’s sake!”

“What’s your full name, Mr. Devar?”

“I won’t tell you.”

“Why are you so determined to die for someone else’s crimes? Guilt? That’s happened before. There was a man who claimed to be a more evil man than even Ortek so that someone would be punished for his crimes.”

“I already told you. It’s for Mursa’s sake.”

“Well, if it’s for Mursa’s sake, perhaps I can help you. There’s a chance that Dukat might not keep his promise to keep Mursa alive, but I certainly will. If you’re truly innocent, there’s no reason for you to be separated from Mursa. If you saved the life of the child you were thought to have killed, you’ll be allowed to keep custody. The Federation controls this station and they’re absurdly generous. If given a good reason, they’ll grant you asylum. Mursa will be safer here than she’s ever been. So, Mr. Devar, what is your full name?”

“Narin. My full name is Narin Devar. Ortek is my brother. We don’t have very much in common. Physically, we’re nearly identical. Only our eyes are different. His are a lighter shade than mine. But, we didn’t agree on how Cariban should’ve been run.”

Kira spoke up with a question of her own.

“So, Dukat lied and I was wrong. What really happened that night?”

“It all began well before that. Dukat was telling the truth about the identity of Mursa’s mother. Loral Perin was one of Dukat’s many mistresses. He'd grown bored of having a mistress who truly cared for him and he was so desperate for a new plaything that he didn’t even try to seduce Perin. That’s what Toras told me, anyway. He didn’t care that she was a married woman and a very devoted one at that. She went to see Toras in secret whenever she could, and whenever she couldn’t, he’d visit her. Perin became pregnant after one of those visits. Dukat believe that the child was his, and since he seemed to want a daughter with every mistress who didn't already have one, he was delighted. But, when Mursa was born, she had no Cardassian features and Perin told him the truth. He had her executed and sentenced Toras and Mursa to the Cariban Labor Camp, not wanting to see either one ever again.”

“And that’s where you were.”

“Ortek was in charge of Cariban, but I was his second-in-command. Because I was his brother, the camp was as much mine as it was his. I took it upon myself to clean up after his messes, calling doctors for his surviving victims, comforting the widows and widowers of the ones who didn’t make it. When Toras came along, I knew right away that Ortek would be after him. But, the first problem was that Ortek wanted to have Mursa killed immediately. Babies can’t work. I reminded him that child labor was forbidden, but he allowed older children to live. I was the only one who could ever reason with Ortek and he spared Mursa. I provided them with more comfortable housing, better food, anything he needed to raise a healthy child. I protected them both from Ortek. Toras was very grateful. We became friends in a sense. I watched over Mursa while he worked and rested. Mursa acknowledged as both as her parents.”

“Father and Papa?”

“Toras called himself her ‘papa’ and called me her ‘father’. It was his idea that she should recognize us both. I had the power to protect his child and I did. I loved them both more than my real family.”

“And this went on until that night.”

“It became clear that Mursa was an abnormal child. She didn’t speak. She dropped just about anything that was placed in her hands. But, she was and is very clever. Though she couldn’t say them, she recognized the names of every plant that grew outside the camp. She loved flowers and trees and always wanted to be near them. She had a favorite tree. She liked to feel its bark under her hand. She was imprisoned in a labor camp for being born and she could find happiness in simply touching a tree.”

Narin had tears in his eyes when he talked about her. Mursa was listening quietly, following the example of the adults.

“But, it was becoming clear that she wouldn’t be able to work. That’s all that Ortek cared about. He always believed that I was on his side, so he told me his plans to send her to a nearby research hospital to be infected with some deadly virus. According to rumor, Dukat killed one of his mistresses that way. I warned Toras about it, but there was nothing either of us could do. That was until I spotted Kira’s cell while patrolling. I pretended not to see them and informed Toras that he could go to them and get help in escaping the camp. I didn’t expect to see Toras or Mursa ever again, but I’d know they were alive.”

“And then Ortek found out.”

“He didn’t know I’d helped them. He sent guards to capture them and bring them to him. He wanted to interrogate the terrorists and execute Toras for his escape. It wasn’t until I pleaded with him to reconsider that he realized that I’d betrayed him. But, I was his brother, so he decided not to have me detained or executed. I had to guard the other prisoners while Ortek killed Toras. We were all in the same room. Both Mursa and I saw the whole thing. Mursa was too young to understand what was happening and suppressed the memory. It was exactly as Major Kira described. He kept looking at me, Toras, first screaming and then silently begging for me to help him, to save him again, but I couldn’t. Perhaps I could’ve convinced my brother to spare his life, but I didn’t dare to try. Why didn’t I try?”

He asked that final question to himself. The tears in his eyes had evolved into sobbing. Mursa tried to go to him and ran right into the forcefield. Garak caught her when she fell and she clung to him, a temporary substitute for her father.

“After that, Ortek still wanted me to be the one to take Mursa to the hospital. He thought he’d beaten me down to the point that I’d follow his orders. I confess that I considered it. I didn’t know if Mursa would want to live with the memories of what she saw that night. I led her away and when we were alone she looked up at me, completely composed. She trusted me completely. And her eyes! Dukat wasn’t lying when he said she had her father’s eyes. I knew that I couldn't kill her. I’d always known, but it’d gone beyond that. I’d been considering dropping her off in a refugee camp, but I knew she wouldn’t want me to leave her. I truly was Father to her, even if she couldn’t say the word.”

“I’m also guessing you’re the reason why we were able to escape.”

“I knew that Ortek would want to rest in the afterglow of his murder and he’d dismissed me to have another guard take my place. I was supposed to order another guard to take my place, but I didn’t, leaving you unguarded.”

“Thank you for that.”

“I only wish I could’ve done more.”

Garak had a few remaining questions.

“How did you manage to have Mursa disguised as partially Cardassian? You would’ve needed someone with some medical knowledge to preform the procedure.”

“I found someone. Mursa and I lived in hiding for a while. I gave every military secret I had to the Bajoran underground and they kept us hidden. I wasn’t the only Cardassian trying to help them. There was a physician there. He’d spent three years in a labor camp on Cardassia for some sort of action against the state. I think he just happened to be friends with the wrong people. When he was released, he decided to work on a smaller goal than reforming Cardassia entirely and went to Bajor to provide better healthcare for Bajoran workers. As it turned out, he was once the personal physician of Enabran Tain himself. He knew about surgical disguises. After disguising Mursa, he returned to Cardassia with us. As Mursa grew, the false Cardassian ridges didn’t grow with her, so he needed to redo parts of the procedure every few years at the very least. I’d know it was time whenever she mentioned her ridges aching. I was right about to have them adjusted again when we were found out.”

“How were you found out?”

“I’m not entirely certain. Our doctor did something that prompted Dukat to have him arrested. Under interrogation, he confessed to his role in disguising Mursa. We, all three of us, ended up in the custody of the Obsidian Order. Tain decided to find some use for us other than a quick execution. I was to assist Dukat in the abduction of Doctor Bashir and take the fall for it in my brother’s name, along with the crimes he actually committed. It was meant to provide a distraction, Bajorans and Federation officers arguing over how to respond to the exchange offer. Tain wanted to buy some time alone with his prisoner. I can’t tell you what he’s doing with it. Nobody informed me. However, my doctor certainly knows. He’s been forced to work for Dukat, tending to the wounds of tortured prisoners, knowing that there’s nothing he can do to really help them. Right now, he’s being loaned out to Tain to tend to Doctor Bashir.”

“Is there any reason why you’re leaving this doctor anonymous?”

“He knows you. He said he didn’t want you to know that he was there. His exact words were that he didn’t want to look into your eyes ever again.”

Garak immediately knew what that meant. His Julian’s life was now in the hands of someone who had every reason to hate him.

“Parmak.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the plot twists!!!
> 
> So, did anyone see that coming? Some of these twists weren't even in my outline:
> 
> Implying that Narin was in love with Toras? Not in the outline.
> 
> Parmak? Not in the outline.
> 
> I guess that means that that surprise cameo won't be much of a surprise now.


	18. Those Nine Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian makes a friend and realizes that he has to bet on sentimental feelings overcoming decades of secrets and lies.
> 
> CW: References to torture, some of it with a sexual undertone. Chapter 16 faded to black to avoid an actual torture scene but there will be a references to what occurred.

“You can rest now, Doctor Bashir.”

He was on the floor now. He couldn’t really feel his hands or wrists. He tried to sit up, but the room was spinning and the force of it knocked him back down. It was way too hot, but he wasn’t sweating. Julian had enough of his mind left to realize that that was a very bad thing, but he couldn’t focus on solving the problem. The aching and heat were bad enough that his enhancements couldn’t save him from slipping away.

…

_It was quiet inside the cathedral. Julian didn’t really know why he was there. He wasn’t religious, nor were his parents. If they ever did anything religious, it was at a mosque, not like this place at all. Maybe he was just here for the quiet. There was a sense of peace and home to the place. It wasn't a place of worship, but a place of reflection. It was also beautifully designed, white stone tinted in all sorts of colors by the light coming through the stained glass windows._

_He paced around, just looking at the lights and colors. He wasn’t really thinking anything about them, but they were fascinating. So was the feeling of the cool stone of the walls and the rhythm of his own footsteps. So he was just moving, looking, touching, listening. His mind was still. No calculations, no work to be done, but he wasn’t bored._

_He sensed that, for some reason, it was time to go. He had to be somewhere else. It was important to be there on time. But, he didn’t want to leave his sanctuary. Outside, there was activity, noise, people. He didn’t want that right now. He wanted to lie down on the marble floor and just stare at the ceiling. It was a nice ceiling, decorated with all sorts of patterns. He could lie there, tracing patterns with his eyes for hours._

_It was time to go. He couldn’t leave. Not yet. Maybe just five minutes more…_

…

“Doctor Bashir?”

…

_The voice echoes through the cathedral. It’s a stranger’s voice._

…

“He’s severely dehydrated. How long did you leave him hanging under that light?”

…

_The other voice answers. It’s muffled. Too far away._

…

“Would you mind leaving us for a few minutes? You know perfectly well that there’s nothing I can do against you.”

…

_The muffled voice is gone now. Good. He didn’t like it very much._

…

“Doctor? Can you hear me?”

…

_Echoes. Too loud. Go away._

…

“Easy, now. I don’t want to be here any more than you do, I assure you. I’m just another prisoner.”

…

_Leave me alone._

…

“I’m not going to hurt you. I’m trying to help. I’m a doctor, like you are. My name is Kelas Parmak.”

…

_Parmak. He’d heard the name before. Tain mentioned a Parmak, one of Elim’s subjects._

_Elim._

_He stared at Parmak for four hours. That didn’t sound so bad. Elim had lovely eyes. He could stare into them forever._

_Elim._

_That’s why he had to leave the cathedral. Elim was coming and he wanted to be awake when he got there._

…

Julian regained awareness of his surroundings. The cathedral faded and his cell on Cardassia returned to him. Elim wasn’t there. Instead, he saw another Cardassian, Doctor Parmak. He’d never seen him before but he was aware that he’d just said his name. His eyes were nice too, though not like Elim’s. They were softer. This man was a healer without the toughened edges of soldiers and spies, all the other Cardassian males he’d seen before.

“Your eyes are focusing. That’s a good sign. Are you awake now, Doctor?”

“Julian. With two doctors here, it’ll get confusing.”

“Very well. Do Humans often use their first names with strangers?”

“Depends on the Human. I guess I just don’t want to be ‘doctor’ while I’m the patient.”

“You can just address me as Parmak, if you prefer it.”

Julian nodded. His throat was very dry and he didn’t really feel like talking. He just let himself be healed, given fluids through an IV, his broken ribs repaired and a few other cuts and bruises erased.

Julian didn’t remember much of the previous night. As Parmak healed him, and he became aware of what his injuries were, he began putting the pieces together. Ortek had beaten him. That wasn’t the original plan. He’d just wanted to touch him, every part of him that could be reached. Julian had struggled and the blows were the response. The broken ribs when Ortek touched his bare chest, a bloody lip after he bit his finger when he tried to force it into his mouth, and he remembered being kicked in the groin several times. He must’ve really put up a fight about that one. He remembered Tain making some comment about Human males being easier to torture than Cardassians.

After that, Julian kept still. He didn’t know why that was what made him do it. Ortek he could fight. He’d never stop fighting him. But, whenever he was reminded that Tain was even there, he froze.

“Which is why the mark has to be yours.”

Tain was the enemy. This was his prison, his show of force, his cruel way of punishing his son for daring to be happy without his permission.

This wasn’t even about him, and somehow that just made it worse.

“What’s going to happen to me?”

“Tain’s not foolish enough to tell me his plans.”

“I might know more than you do then. Elim told be everything, in his own enigmatic way. You must hate him for what he did to you.”

“I don’t. Tain ordered him to interrogate me and let him choose the method. Now that I’ve seen what a man like Gul Dukat might order, I realize that he was trying to go easy on me. You can’t break someone by going easy on them, but he did the least physically painful thing he could think to do.”

“He’s never told me about it, but I know he did far worse to other subjects.”

“But he didn’t like it. I could see it in his eyes. I had a lot of time to think about them.”

“Is that why he broke you? Because you knew that he didn’t want to be there?”

“No. He broke me by making me see everything. There was pride. He enjoyed getting information from people. It wasn’t the torture, but the victory of gaining the information. There was pain, years of pain, hidden under the pride. There was guilt, grief, fear, anger, desperation, and determination, so much determination. I knew he wouldn’t stop until one of us broke. I knew it wouldn’t be him. He couldn’t afford to fail. If I gave in, I’d be facing a few years of hard labor. If he gave in, if he failed, I don’t know what would’ve happened, but he knew and it terrified him. So, I broke.”

“You chose to break?”

“No. I knew that if this didn’t work, he’d be forced to do worse, and I was overwhelmed. It wasn’t a very rational thing to do, but have you ever been in a situation where winning would be a worse fate than losing?”

“More times than I can remember.”

Julian had no idea what compelled him to be honest. He knew that Parmak wouldn’t ask for any further details. He wouldn’t what to know why. He wouldn’t be able to guess that Julian had let himself be beaten rather than fighting back or dodging, because he’d have needed his enhanced strength and reflexes. Nothing would hurt more than being found out and losing everything he’d worked for.

Julian was reminded of the night when he and Elim had first made love. He pretended that he couldn’t fight off three drunks and let Elim come to his rescue. Elim had enjoyed that, to some extent. Julian suspected that he wasn’t used to feeling like he was doing good.

“You describe what you saw in Elim’s eyes. I’ve seen all of those things: pride, pain, guilt, grief, fear, anger, desperation, and determination, but I’ve seen a few other things too.”

“I know why Tain brought you here, so I know what you mean. You’ve seen love.”

Julian nodded. 

“I’m happy for him, and I’m happy for you. I don’t believe that he’ll ever be a truly good person by your standards, and if does go down that path, it will take more than one man to lead him. But, you’ll bring him peace. You’ll also guide him away from the path of Enabran Tain. From there, he’ll decide where he goes, but it will be to a better place than the one I met him in, wherever that place may be.”

“Tain wants to bring Elim back to Cardassia. He wants to have control over him again. He plans to use me to lead Elim back to him.”

“It won’t work.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Pride, pain, guilt, grief, fear, anger, desperation, determination, and love. How can those nine forces all be conquered by one man?”

Julian was comforted by Parmak’s words, but he knew it wasn’t that simple. “Those nine forces” were up against the nine crimes of Tain and Elim combined that appeared in that enigma tale. The odds were actually completely even.

Tain and Ortek returned the next evening and Julian prepared to gamble with those odds. All he could do now was roll the dice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we've reached the beginning of the end, the third act. May Contain: Verbal Fencing, Fighting, Torture, Revenge, Chases, Escapes, True Love, Miracles, and Poorly Placed and Not Entirely Fitting Jokes Like This One.
> 
> Next chapter, Garak and his team of allies are finally ready to get out there and search for Julian.


	19. It All Has to Go Somewhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Narin have a chat where the title of the fic is almost explained.

“Okay, we’ve solved the entire mystery and we know who everybody is. Now what?”

The Major asked a very good question. What were they going to do?

“I think we should ask Mr. Devar.”

Garak turned to Narin.

“Narin, please. I’d rather use the name that I don’t share with my brother. Anyway, our goal right now should probably be to get to Cardassia and find Enabran Tain.”

“I know how to find him. Constable, may I use your communications system?”

“By all means.”

Nobody had to ask if the Constable was on the little team that had begun to form. The man took his work very seriously and Garak knew that he’d want to help fix what he thought of as his mistake. He hadn’t expected Major Kira to become personally invested, but she’d made some sort of connection with Narin after learning who he was. They both hated Ortek and they both adored Mursa.

Garak knew that any calls he made to Cardassia could be traced and that he wasn’t supposed to have any contact with anyone there, but the Obsidian Order knew how to get around everything. He was able to open a secure channel to speak to someone who usually knew where Tain was.

“Mila?”

“Elim. Enabran said you’d call.”

“Then I’ll get straight to the point. Where is Doctor Bashir?”

“Enabran just took him away. They’re going to one of the Order’s detainment facilities. He didn’t say which one. But, even if I did know, I’d advise you not to come here.”

“Mila, this is important. If I can’t get to him then somebody has to.”

“It’s not about your exile. Enabran actually wants to bring you home.”

“He can’t possibly have meant that.”

“He’s coming out of retirement. He’s got big plans and he needs all the help he can get to see them through. You’re one of the best.”

“So he’s trying to lure me to him?”

“He planned to contact you some time in the next few days. Since it will take a while to make the end of your exile official, he wants you to join him in the Gamma Quadrant.”

“Why the Gamma Quadrant?”

“He doesn’t tell me every detail of his plans. You know that. I can tell you that the best course of action is to wait until he sends his invitation. If you’re worried about the doctor, he doesn’t plan on killing him yet. He wants to see you first.”

“He wants me to see the condition he’s left him in.”

“I know how much you care about him, but if you want to help him, this is the best way.”

Garak wasn’t sure if Mila was telling him to wait because it really was the best plan or because Tain told her to. Despite everything that’d happened, Mila still cared for him deeply. Garak wished he didn’t understand. Even now, part of him wanted Tain’s approval more than anything, even though he also wanted to kill him. 

It disturbed Garak how often he could compare his feelings for Tain to his feelings for Julian. He’d spent fifty years being raised, taught, supervised, and ultimately condemned by Enabran Tain. He’d spent the next three years guiding, teaching, watching over, and ultimately falling in love with Julian Bashir. 

Before his exile, he would’ve given his life for his father. His instincts still told him to. Power meant things to a Cardassian. A father, a teacher, a superior in any way, meant someone who was obeyed without question. Federation morals talked about acts that were right or wrong regardless of context. To a Cardassian, right and wrong were matters of loyalty. If it’s for the good of Cardassia, it’s right. If it isn’t, it’s wrong. The good of Cardassia meant service to the state. Serving the state meant following the orders of superiors. Tain was the head of a key branch of the state, one of highest-ranking superiors there was. Garak had learned that right and wrong were defined by Tain’s whims, because his whims were what served the state and what served the state strengthened Cardassia.

But Julian had made him understand another way. He wasn’t Cardassian. What happened to Julian Bashir didn’t matter to the state. Garak had no obligation to do anything for him, and was obligated to destroy him if he got in Cardassia’s way. From what he’d been taught, if he had to serve Tain or protect Julian, the former was obviously the right thing to do.

But, it didn’t feel that way.

Hours after his call with Mila ended, Garak sat in his quarters, waiting for Tain’s invitation, for permission from his superior to do what he felt he should be doing at that very moment. This wasn’t the first time he’d disobeyed Tain. That’s what led to his exile. A year ago, while dying from his failing implant, Garak wanted to tell Julian about it. He genuinely wanted to tell someone the truth before he died. He truly did want to be forgiven.

But, he couldn’t tell Julian the truth. Julian wouldn’t forgive him, not because the truth would offend his Federation sensibilities, but because he wouldn’t understand what Garak had done wrong. Garak wanted to be forgiven, not told that he didn’t need to be forgiven. He tried to explain it with three layers of lies, knowing that Julian, who couldn’t see through even one layer of subtext most of the time, wouldn’t know what he was saying.

The first layer was the most dishonest. At that moment, Garak just wanted to die. Julian wouldn’t let him. This enraged him and he wanted to hurt him for prolonging his suffering. But, he didn’t want to break him. He just wanted him to leave. He’d noticed that it was generally assumed that he was more involved with the occupation of Bajor than he actually was. People seemed to believe that he’d been on Deep Space Nine as a guard, a soldier executing rebelling Bajorans. He’d almost been transferred into ore processing with them. But, he created the story of himself as the monster an innocent Human might think he was. Julian was too devoted to his profession to walk away. Garak had been impressed at that moment. This Human was capable of putting his duty above his personal feelings, like a good Cardassian was supposed to.

The second layer was Garak’s way of demonstrating why he couldn’t tell Julian the truth. He wouldn’t understand. He created a situation in which Federation morals would declare that he’d done the right thing by disobeying an order, something that was always wrong to a Cardassian. He was right when he assumed that Julian wouldn’t understand. Of course showing mercy to some pitiful orphans would be dismissed as something to be proud of. His guilt didn’t mean anything. He let himself be lost to withdrawal shortly after. He put Julian’s life in danger after proving that they could never understand one another. He said everything he knew would hurt him. He tried everything. But Julian, a young man who radiated the emotional insecurity of an abandoned child, was strong enough to ignore all of it and keep doing his job. He was stronger than he seemed.

The third layer was the partial truth. He was exiled because of betrayal. His use of the name Elim in the first story had been impulsive, but something about it fit. Elim didn’t really need to be in the second story at all. The third story was where it became important. Elim was the son of Enabran Tain and Mila Garak, but Garak was separate from Tain. He, as his sentimental self had betrayed Elim, the good son, the good operative, the good Cardassian. He’d betrayed himself and he’d betrayed Tain. He’d been exiled because of politics and a murder partially in self-defense, partially because Tain himself had ordered it. He deserved his exile for his betrayal.

Julian would never understand that.

The Federation valued the individual. Everyone lived only for themselves. They didn't understand loyalty. They valued their principles, philosophy written down in books and taught in schools, but they were loyal only to themselves. They worked to improve themselves, they explored to improve themselves, they created to improve themselves. Did they do everything for that reason? Did they have children to improve themselves? Garak once again thought about what would happen to a child deemed defective. In order to improve themselves, with their children only existing out of narcissism, they would have to improve their children.

But, the Federation had strict policies against the most obvious ways of doing this, using science and technology, so maybe they valued each other in some way that Garak just couldn’t understand. 

Garak was interrupted from is thoughts by someone at his door. He didn’t get many visitors, so he had no idea who it could be. He didn’t expect it to be Narin Devar. Garak hadn’t had a chance to converse with another Cardassian in years.

“Narin. Good evening. Do come in. Can I get you anything?”

“I thought you’d want some company. I can see that I was correct.”

“The replicated kanar on this station is mediocre at best, but it’s easy to get.”

“No, thank you. I’m neither thirsty nor hungry. I just want to talk. I find that sometimes one can crave conversation just as much as food or drink.”

“I know exactly what you mean.”

The two sat down across from one another in the small “living room area”, as Julian called it. Since Narin offered to start the conversation, Garak let him lead.

“This must be your first night alone in quite a while.”

“Julian’s been away on missions that lasted for days before. His absence isn’t that unusual.”

“But it is in context.”

“I’m handling it.”

“It’s alright if you can’t, you know. I won’t tell anyone. You’ve seen me fall apart.”

“I don’t need to fall apart. I need to get to Julian. Tain's invitation will only come after he's left his mark. I think I made it clear to him what the risks of this sort of situation were, how these battles for dominance go. He must be terrified.”

“Well, it’s better to have him know than have it be a surprise.”

“Is it? He wouldn’t have to spend time dreading the inevitable if he didn’t know what that meant.”

“He has time to prepare himself, to distance his mind from his body. You taught him how to do that, didn’t you?”

“I told him it was possible, but I don’t know how the Human mind works. It might not be possible for him, for all I know.”

“And you would’ve had to directly acknowledge that he could someday face torture, that knowing how to resist against pain and humiliation might be necessary.”

“I was never very good at that, actually. My superiors gave me an implant to block out pain.”

“Physical pain.”

“Some emotional pain as well. It’s how I kept myself sane throughout my first few years in exile. I used it so much that it malfunctioned and nearly killed me.”

“And Julian Bashir saved your life.”

“He insisted. I wanted to die. He wouldn’t leave me alone for long enough to kill myself. Then, a few months later, he was the reason why I didn’t need my implant anymore. There was something on this station that naturally took pain away with no side effects. The implant released endorphins and the feeling of being near him caused a similar reaction. I’m afraid that I might become just as dependent on him as I was on my implant.”

“They say that exile is a fate worse than death because of loneliness. You used an implant to handle the pain of the worst torture a Cardassian can face: to be separated from Cardassia. But, if you’re not alone, the pain of loneliness is reduced.”

“You speak as if you’ve known exile yourself.”

“In a way, I was exiled once. When Ortek went to serve on Bajor, our father was proud of him. Me, I was the soft one, the weak one. Ortek wanted to be a soldier and I wanted to be a poet. Father wouldn’t have that, so he had me sent to Bajor with my brother. At Cariban, though there was a team of other Cardassians around me, they wanted nothing to do with me. They casually discussed which prisoners they wanted to beat, rape, or kill. I wanted to talk about Bajoran poetry.”

“Perhaps they would’ve been more willing to discuss poetry if it had been Cardassian.”

“I liked Bajoran better. I knew they’d beat me to death if they found out.”

“And from the stories you’ve told, you preferred the company of Bajorans.”

“Toras was a poet. The entire Loral family was descended from a caste of artists and poets.”

“I believe the Kira family came from the same caste, but not all of them are artists.”

“Toras was. I’d learned the Bajoran language before I left Cardassia, but he was the one who taught me how it could be used, the beautiful things that could be done with it. He saved me from exile like your Bashir did for you. But, I didn’t tell him much about Cardassians. My people had caused him enough suffering. I never warned him about the darker aspects of our nature. When Ortek found out about us and wanted to punish us both, he had no idea what that would mean.”

“He knew that it would mean torture and death.”

“Ortek wouldn’t have killed him.”

“What?”

“Telling a prisoner that they're going to be executed and then calling it off at the last second is a form of torture we were taught to use against non-violent rebels. If he’d survived that night, Ortek would’ve hidden him away somewhere as a private prisoner, kept alive for is own amusement. He’d picked other men from the camp for a similar fate before. They all managed to escape into the custody of someone who executed them quickly or they killed themselves.”

“If he didn’t kill Toras, then how did he die?”

“He just did. The pain alone killed him.”

“A Bajoran under the occupation would never be that weak. They were all used to pain.”

“It was my fault. When I did nothing to save him, he must’ve given up on resisting. He let himself die. I wasn’t strong enough, so he wasn’t strong enough. We were bound together and together we fell.”

“If you’d tried to interfere, Ortek would’ve killed you. Toras would’ve still died eventually and nobody would’ve been there to save Mursa. You made the best possible choice to protect your family. Toras had to be sacrificed so that Mursa could live.”

“If you had a child, would you be willing to sacrifice your Bashir, not because he chose to sacrifice himself, but because you chose to sacrifice him, so that that child would live?”

“I can’t say for certain. As far as I know, I have no children.”

“Besides, things weren’t right with Toras. From a Bajoran perspective, I was a master and he was a slave. He had reason to feel like he owed me for saving Mursa's life. I couldn’t say for certain if he loved me and he couldn’t say for certain if I loved him. Our bond wasn’t strong enough for Rakret H’ssti’er to take hold. If it had, I would’ve killed Ortek and his men when we found Toras after he escaped. He called for me and I would’ve answered.”

“Rakret H’ssti’er is a legend. Ever since Cardassia was properly formed, we were taught to give our devotion only to the state. No one would lose that discipline for the sake of one person.”

“But away from Cardassia, when one can’t serve, when one can’t express devotion to the state, all of that zeal has to go somewhere. You’re in exile. You no longer serve the state. I couldn’t protect my Toras, but you could protect your Bashir.”

Garak was just about to respond when he received a message on his padd. It was a coded message that translated to coordinates in the Gamma Quadrant. Garak had been called to serve Cardassia once more. What that would mean for Julian, he really didn’t know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Normally, I would put a note like this at the beginning of the next chapter, but I'm going to address this now. The next chapter will be the most graphic chapter in the story, the only one where anything that I including in the warning tabs is actually described. This is because something plot relevant will occur during that scene that can't just be described after the fact. There will be bits of violence in later chapters, but it won't be described in much detail and will be kept short. I don't like torture porn and I don't want this to be gratuitous. 
> 
> I'm adding this warning ahead of time so that if this is something someone might need to emotionally prepare for, they'll have a bit of extra time.


	20. Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian challenges Tain to a battle of secrets.
> 
> CW: Psychological torture and unwanted sexual attention that pretty much counts as rape. This chapter is why the Rape/Non-Con warning was included.

Kelas tasted the air around the Human lying on the floor and shuddered. He’d known it was going to happen, of course. A man trying to hurt his rival, if given access to his rival’s lover, will want to degrade them, ruin them. Cardassians were discouraged from forming attachments that might take priority over their loyalty to the state, and what had once been a barbaric show of force had become a way superiors punished inferiors that they saw as disloyal to them.

Julian Bashir knew none of this. He’d gotten caught in the crossfire between Enabran Tain and his former protege.

He wasn’t noticeably injured. Kelas had heard Ortek raging about being denied his share of Tain’s prize and Tain himself was an old man who lacked the stamina to be physically aggressive. These weren’t the results of the usual show of force, something Kelas had seen too many times before. Decades ago, when he’d been Tain’s personal physician, he’d sometimes be sent to make sure that the wives and husbands and mistresses and lovers of agents he’d had disagreements with weren’t dying from their injuries. 

Having seen the damages that both Tain and Dukat could cause, Kelas had noticed that they were different. Even when Tain did the damage himself, he was always cold and composed. It was nothing personal. He had to regain control over his operatives. There was usually no other torture, no beatings, unless the victim had information he wanted or put up too much of a struggle. It wasn’t an interrogation, so there was no point. Dukat enjoyed the act for its own sake, especially if the victim was a Bajoran female.

But, did it matter? Was one truly worse than the other when the results were the same? Once the surface wounds had healed, they all had the same mental state.

Julian’s case was a bit different. There were several scratches across his chest that, going by the Human blood under his fingernails, were self-inflicted. According to reports, Julian said something that angered Tain and he'd lost his composure for the first time in decades. He said something to Julian that upset him enough that the young man panicked, attacked himself, and then simply collapsed. Kelas had been called in to heal the scratches and revive him, or at least have him ready for transport onto Tain’s ship. He would reunite with Garak in the Gamma Quadrant.

“Julian?”

“Don’t touch me.”

“I need to look at those scratches on your chest.”

“You can’t heal that. Nothing can heal that.”

“I can’t heal figurative wounds. I know that. But healing the physical wounds on top of them is my job.”

Julian had been curled up, covering his torso with all four limbs. He let them fall aside for long enough for Kelas to run the dermal regenerator over the scratches. Then he curled back up. He looked up at Kelas. Of the nine emotions they’d discussed before, Kelas could see pain, guilt, grief, fear, and desperation. The others appeared to have been lost.

“Parmak, I won’t be going back to Deep Space Nine. I won’t be able to go back to Deep Space Nine. Even if Elim wants to, I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I guess I have nothing to lose now. I can’t be worried about you revealing information that Tain already has.”

“What happened, Julian?”

…

Julian was determined not to fight at first. He wanted to get it over with. Tain would leave his mark on him, but then Elim would come for him and take him home. He’d see a counselor, he’d try to lose himself in his work, he’d rest, and he’d recover. Elim would be with him. He would understand. He would know what to do.

But, Julian couldn’t help but struggle when Ortek touched him, jerking him around, trying to figure what position to put him in to work with his unfamiliar anatomy. But, Julian knew he wouldn’t be able to fight Ortek off while pretending to have ordinary Human strength, meaning that this was another battle that he had to lose on purpose.

Ortek had him pinned down on his back in the same position Elim had used. The Cardassian ajan was in such a position that they always had sex face to face, regardless of the anatomy involved. Julian closed his eyes and tried to go away in his mind like Elim had taught him to and waited for the inevitable violation.

But, it never happened.

“That’s enough, Devar. Just hold him down. I want to watch him try to fight.”

“But you said I could have him first!”

“I’ve changed my mind. This conflict is purely between Garak and myself and I don’t want him to pick up signs of anyone else’s involvement.”

Julian heard the sound of clothing being rearranged and felt a large shadow descend over him. He kept his eyes closed.

“Now, Julian, you can struggle all you like as long as you don’t actually believe you can get away.”

Tain had never used Julian’s first name before. Julian remembered when Elim first called him Julian. Their first kiss. He didn’t want to think about that right now. He didn’t want Tain to corrupt his memories of love with new memories of fear and humiliation.

“I’m not actually going to fuck you. I couldn’t take you properly. I would either wear myself out or put myself at risk by having you touch me. If I tried to use your mouth, you’d bite. So, I won’t even touch you if you don’t make me. I’ll just watch and take care of myself. I’m guessing that Elim hasn’t told you exactly how this works. You know about the mark, don’t you?”

“Cardassian males leave pheromonal marks on the people they have sex with. Only Cardassians can detect these marks because they have a sensory gland that other species don’t.”

“Very good. But, he didn’t tell you exactly where the mark came from. The pheromones are released during ejaculation. All it has to do is touch your skin, anywhere on your body. So, it will be painless, perhaps a bit uncomfortable, but painless.”

“I don’t care about the pain. I will never be your possession.”

“Please continue to act defiantly. It pleases me. Do you act this way with Elim? No, that’s not his way. He probably won you over with some Human tradition of giving gifts or sharing meals. He probably put his tongue in your mouth like the filthy Bajorans do. He probably sucked your prUt purely to give you pleasure. He probably made you beg.”

And despite his disgust and fear, Julian had an idea. Ortek was still there, pinning him down. If he said aloud what he’d just thought while Tain was monologuing, someone would learn one his dirty little secrets.

“Do you often think about your own son while touching yourself?”

Tain and Ortek both froze.

“What did you say?”

“In the Order, the operatives closest to you where often called the Sons of Tain, weren’t they? Funny how the one who was most often given that title was literally the son of Tain!”

“Did Elim tell you that?”

“Elim rarely ever tells me anything. I sort of have to deduce it. But, I deduced it. You had an affair with Mila, your servant and she became pregnant. She was below your station, so you couldn’t marry her, and you couldn’t bring yourself to kill her before your child was born, so you had to hide your bastard son. You blamed him for his own existence and regularly punished him for it, but you didn’t kill him. You wanted to be in control of the fate of the Order after you were gone, so you created an operative that you had absolute control over. You worked to create a perfect leader for the Obsidian Order from the ground up. You could shape the child any way you wanted well before he was old enough to enter proper training. But, it didn’t work. Elim wasn’t very much like you and it eventually became too much to ignore. You lost control. That’s why you hate him and that’s why I’m here. I’m not part of your plan, another sign that you can’t have absolute power over a person, even if you condition them from the very beginning. And, if you can’t control one person, how can you control an entire organization?”

Tain struck him. Now he didn’t even have control over himself. Ortek let go of Julian and stood up.

“And you want to call him back! You’d put your bastard in charge of the Obsidian Order?!”

Julian tuned out the shouting match in Kardasi that followed. He knew that he wasn’t off the hook yet, but he’d just struck a critical blow. Ortek was bitter about being denied access to him and now he had something to use against Tain as petty revenge. 

Ortek stormed out of the room. Tain didn’t follow him. He turned back to Julian.

“You think you’re very clever, don’t you? Well, you’re not the only one who’s good at finding out secrets. When you started spending so much time with Elim, I researched you. When I found out that you were involved more intimately, I researched further, wanting to know everything there is to know about Julian Subatoi Bashir.”

“And what could you have possibly found out?”

Julian knew, but he had to stay calm. It might not actually be what he thought it was.

“It started with academic records. It was quite peculiar. You attended a primary school in London on Earth at the age of six. You were barely part of the class at all. You couldn’t read or write and had difficulty telling apart common domesticated animals.”

Oh god.

“Then, you disappear from London records and show up at a primary school on Invernia II and you’re suddenly a genius, gifted in every subject. Isn’t that strange?”

Oh god.

“So, I investigated a little further. It turns out that shortly before moving to Invernia II, the Bashir familiar made a stop on Adigeon Prime. A Julian Bashir was checked into a hospital there for two months to undergo illegal medical procedures to improve his intelligence along with every other defect they could find until they’d artificially constructed a perfect child.”

Oh god.

“I must admit, I’m impressed with the determination of your parents. I wanted to create an ideal operative for the Obsidian Order, but they succeeded in creating the perfect Starfleet officer. I wish it had been that easy with Elim. But, you were a worse failure than he was. He could at least tell a vole from a wompat! If he was anything like you, I might’ve actually managed to kill him. He had talents that I couldn’t waste, but you…it would be more of a waste to keep you living.”

Julian reminded himself that it didn’t matter. Tain was just saying things to hurt him. But, he could feel tears escaping from behind his closed eyes.

“The only way to keep you from being a permanent burden on Federation society was to break the law. It’s illegal to be what you are. It doesn’t matter that you’re a good, obedient officer, or that you’re a brilliant physician. You’re a fraud! An artificial creation being passed off as a Human! And if they find out…Well, you won’t be allowed in Starfleet anymore. You won’t be allowed to be a doctor anymore. Once you’re out of prison, you’ll be no good to anyone, just as you would’ve been if those procedures weren’t done. And, you definitely won't be staying on Deep Space Nine and Elim, if he decides not to join me, will have to remain there. You’ll have nothing, which is exactly what you were built for before your brain was replaced with a functional computer.”

Julian became aware that he was sobbing like a child, crying as hard as he did when his parents left him in that hospital on Adigeon Prime. Tain knew exactly how to hurt him. Any physical torture, any attempt to drive him to madness, anything would’ve hurt less than this.

Julian was snapped back to reality by the feeling of something warm being spilled over his chest.

Once again: Oh god.

Tain stroked his hand over Julian, spreading his filth all over him, rubbing it into his skin. He could feel it sinking through him, polluting him. To make matters even worse, he mocked him:

“Sh…There’s no need to cry. I won’t let the law catch up to you. You’re not in the Federation now. You’ll stay with me. If you’re good and cooperative, you’ll be safe. You’re mine now, Julian Bashir.”

After Tain finally left him alone, Julian broke down again, clawing at his chest to get the disgusting feeling off of him, only succeeding in drawing blood. He had no hope. Elim would come here to serve Tain and he’d be stuck as a prisoner forever. If he tried to return to the Federation, Elim wouldn’t follow and Tain would have everything else taken away.

…

Kelas listened to Julian’s story without interrupting. He suspected that this was what he looked like after he broke under interrogation. 

“Julian, it’s okay. It wasn’t your fault. None of this was your fault.”

“Tain will tell Elim. He’ll tell him I’m a freak, a monster. Then what? It’s only fair. I don’t deserve anything I have.”

“You’re not a freak, and you’re certainly not a monster. The only monster involved in this is Enabran Tain. Elim will understand.”

But how could Elim understand if Julian couldn’t understand himself?


	21. Always and Never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak meets up with Tain in the Gamma Quadrant and reunites with Julian.

Garak knew that Tain wouldn’t be expecting any other guests, meaning that it was a terrible idea for anyone but himself to go on this mission to the Gamma Quadrant, but both Narin and Odo insisted on crowding into the runabout with him.

“Tain’s going to ask you to stay, and if you stay, it puts your Bashir in danger. But, I know you’ll want to. You’ll need someone to stop you if it comes down to it.”

“As Chief of Security, if somebody is kidnapped on this station, it is my responsibility to bring them back safely.”

Garak couldn’t really argue with either one of them, so here they all were on this little space trip together. Narin and Mursa had both been convinced that Mursa should stay on the station in Major Kira’s care. She wasn’t happy about being parted from her father, but no responsible adult was going to let that child anywhere near Enabran Tain. The Major wanted to take the time to help Mursa reconnect with her Bajoran heritage, which she still didn’t seem to understand that she had.

The three men on the runabout had no idea what to say to one another at first. The constable’s silence was due to him having nothing to say. He rarely ever made idle conversation. The silence of the two Cardassians was mournful. Garak knew that Tain wouldn’t have summoned him while Julian was still unharmed. He knew that the reunion would be painful. Narin wanted to be supportive, but he’d already had his chance to talk to Garak about their shared problems.

“He won’t blame you for it.”

“I know. He’ll blame himself.”

“Until you tell him not to.”

“I’ll have to repeat myself a few times. He’s stubborn.”

“Which is why he’ll be alright, eventually.”

The three men were then very unceremoniously beamed onto Tain’s ship.

Garak wasn’t sure if it was Tain’s ship at first. The entire crew seemed to be made up of Romulans. But, Tain appeared to greet the three, making it clear that this was, in fact, his ship and his crew.

“Elim! I wasn’t expecting you to bring presents.”

It wasn’t a surprise that Tain saw Odo and Narin as hostages, or that he wanted them to be hostages, anyway.

“They’re more like my crew, really. Actually, I think my crew might include more Cardassians than yours. Did you trade the Obsidian Order for the Tal Shiar?”

“You have one Cardassian among your ‘crew’. I have two. Both of them have better things to do than stand here while we talk.”

“And I have better things to do than argue about this. You and I both know why I’m here.”

“Hand over Devar and the Changeling and I’ll let you see him immediately.”

Garak was going to negotiate on those terms. He didn’t want to get these two people that he nearly considered friends killed on top of everything else he’d managed to ruin in his life. But, it was Odo, surprisingly, who spoke first.

“I will surrender willingly if Mr. Devar is allowed to return to Deep Space Nine. I’m one of the Founders, meaning that I must have some information that might be useful to you, but you don’t need anything from Mr. Devar. If you want to be rid of him, exile him to the station. It’s becoming a popular location for unwanted Cardassians.”

Tain considered for a moment. Garak knew that Tain probably wouldn’t let Narin go so easily. But, there was something odd about Tain at that moment. He looked nervous, like he had more to worry about than whatever mission he was on. Something was distracting him.

“If Devar can pilot that runabout himself, then he can leave. It will make it more difficult for you to escape, not having transportation ready.”

“That’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

Garak had no idea why Odo was helping Narin, but he decided not to question it if it was to his benefit. Well, not now. He’d have questions later, but he had other things on his mind that had to take priority.

“Alright, Tain. I’ve given you what you want. Now, take me to him.”

“Very well.”

Tain led Garak down a corridor and typed in a code to open a locked door. On the other side was a dark, cramped, but otherwise normal room with a bed and a desk.

And Julian was lying on his side on the floor, curled into a ball, knees in front of his torso and arms wrapped around his legs.

“I’ll give you two a few moments to catch up.” Tain said, leaving the two alone, though, knowing Tain, the room was probably bugged.

Garak wanted to run over to Julian and take him into his arms, but he didn’t know exactly what sort of condition he was in. He hadn’t reacted at all when the door opened. He had to be careful. He approached slowly and sat down on the floor beside him. Julian was naked, but he didn’t appear to be wounded at all. Tain had had him patched up, most likely. 

“Julian?”

Garak spoke very softly. If Julian was asleep or completely lost in his mind, he didn’t want to startle him.

Still, there was no response.

“Julian, it’s Elim. I’m here.”

Garak heard a soft noise that sounded like it might be a sob.

“Are you in pain?”

“Elim…”

Julian’s voiced was a scratchy whisper. He’d definitely been crying for a while. Garak gently placed his hand on Julian’s arm, hoping the light touch wouldn’t upset him.

“I’m right here, Julian. I’m sorry I took so long.”

“Elim, I can’t go back to the station.”

“What? Why not?”

“Tain. He knows…”

“Knows what? Something I don’t know?”

“Nobody is supposed to know. If anyone in Starfleet finds out, I’ll lose everything.”

“And Tain’s blackmailing you with this to prevent you from seeking to escape.”

“And I deserve it, too.”

“What could you possibly have done that could offend me?”

“It’s not what I’ve done. It’s what I am. It’s illegal. I’m not supposed to exist. I’m not even real! I was no good when I was little, so my parents took me to a planet outside of the Federation…”

What did the Federation do with its defective children? Apparently, they broke the law to have them improved, using science and technology, like Garak had theorized. And now he was looking at one of them: A product of genetic engineering, the ultimate result of the Human obsession with improvement and perfection.

“Julian, I won’t tell anyone. No one has to know. I’ll track down every piece of evidence, every record, and destroy them all if I have to. My dear, you being what you are doesn’t offend me. Whatever your parents had done to your brain, I will never hurt you for it and I won’t let you be hurt for it.”

Julian continued to cry. Garak stroked his arm, trying to soothe him. He was no good at this. He could protect his beloved, fight off potential threats, but he wasn’t a healer. The Obsidian Order didn’t teach him how to comfort people. It taught him that no one deserved comfort. He’d believed that without question and still believed that feeling too safe meant putting oneself at risk, but those rules didn’t apply to Julian. Julian deserved comfort, safety, love, and all the other things Garak had learned to deny himself.

“Zhuli’anlin, taspric. Nu ka zIra’er nu’he ka bre’ita.”

He’d never directly tell him, just in case it ever changed, but Garak hoped that Julian understood that when he spoke to him in Kardasi, he was being completely sincere.

_“My dear Julian, don’t cry. I will always love you and I will never hurt you.”_

Julian finally turned to face him and fell into his arms, sobbing against his chest. Garak held him, torn between feeling his beloved’s suffering and his own feelings of relief and even joy that he had him with him again. The fact that Tain had managed to break him so thoroughly without drawing blood would’ve been surprising if Garak hadn’t seen him find dozens, if not hundreds of ways to break people. But, Garak couldn’t be sure if he had drawn blood, because he’d clearly been having Julian’s physical injuries repaired. There was one thing he could easily check for, something he was almost sure of, but needed to confirm.

Garak breathed through his mouth, letting the air flow over his so’c. Tain’s mark, though expected, stung him. He knew he’d have to address this at some point. What disturbed him was that Julian was in good enough physical condition for Garak to feel the instinctive need to reclaim him, to erase Tain’s mark with his own. But, he was more than mere instinct. Even though he was physically fine, Julian was not in the right state of mind for mating. He’d just been taken and violated, maybe less than a day ago. It would be a long time before that could be sorted out. Garak would have to be careful to keep others from finding Tain’s mark on him. If someone has the mark of someone that isn’t their own mate, people will talk. He’ll be blamed for it, accused of being unfaithful. Julian wasn’t unfaithful. He was unfortunate.

“I know what he did to you.”

“Tain? It’s not as bad as you think. He didn’t even touch me, not like that anyway. He just…”

“Threatened and insulted you and spilled himself from that alone?”

“How did you guess?”

“Process of elimination. I always suspected he was capable of that. In my opinion, he still raped you. He forced you to provide him with sexual pleasure, just by making you break.”

“Before that, he had Ortek, one of his men, hold me down because he wanted to watch me struggle, but I told Ortek one of Tain’s secrets that got him to storm out and Tain started going after me in retaliation. I should’ve known better.”

“You told him one of Tain’s secrets? What did you tell him?”

Julian backed away from Garak slightly and hid his face in his hands.

“I’m sorry, Elim. It was your secret too. I know I shouldn’t have.”

“Julian, I’m not upset with you. People have done far worse things under torture. What secret did you tell him?”

“Tain was mocking us. He kept talking about you. He was stroking himself while he talked about you and I asked if he often did that while thinking of his own son. He groomed his hidden son to inherit the Obsidian Order. Ortek didn’t like the idea of taking orders from a bastard.”

“The Tal Shiar…It all makes sense. Julian, if Ortek told people the truth about me, then Tain couldn’t trust them not to rebel against him and had to hire a crew that would serve as a neutral party. Now he has a crew of Romulans whom he knows nothing about but he thinks he can trust them more than his own men. But, Romulans make Cardassians look like honest men. They can never be trusted. You sabotaged his mission. It might lead to chaos that we could use to escape! Julian, darling, you were brilliant!”

“If I hadn’t done it, Tain wouldn’t have said those things to me.”

“It was a noble sacrifice, Julian, whether you knew it or not. You did well, my dear. I’ll have to remember not to underestimate you in the future.”

Garak’s compliments were from genuine pride, but he was more direct than normal and repeated himself a little. After Tain broke Julian’s spirit, Garak wanted to reconstruct it. He responded well to praise. If his parents had him genetically reshaped, he was most likely accustomed to rejection and craved positive attention. It explained his arrogant behavior. He showed off how clever he was so he’d be praised for his cleverness.

Julian went back to hiding his face in Garak’s chest instead of his own hands. He was still crying. Garak knew better than to think that he’d bounce back after a little pep talk. He needed rest, for one thing. Garak rocked him slowly back and forth, a motion that Humans seemed to find comforting. He rubbed his back. He kept whispering to him.

“My brave, brilliant, beautiful boy… Please, try to rest now. I’ll get us home soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Kardasi words Pric and Bre were made up by me, because they weren't in the dictionary I have. 
> 
> Pric: Cry (With Taspric meaning "don't cry")
> 
> Bre: Hurt (With Bre'ita meaning "never hurt")
> 
> Feel free to use these if you ever need them.


	22. You Are Not Cardassia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tain gives Garak a sadistic choice to make in order to save Julian. He takes a third option.
> 
> CW: Discussion and threats of rape, but it goes nowhere.

Julian had no idea how long he was allowed to sleep. At some point, Elim had placed him on the bed. They were laying side-by-side. Elim never let go of Julian, cradling him against his chest. Julian was on the side of the bed closest to the door so that Elim would be facing it, watching out for anyone who might disturb them.

Eventually, someone did disturb them. Julian woke up in the middle of an argument between Elim and Tain.

“I won’t do it. Not now. After what you’ve done, it will only cause him further pain.”

“I thought he enjoyed his time with you.”

“Now is not the right time. Humans don’t have the same instincts that we do.”

“And why should that matter? If he’s yours, take him. I had him cleaned up for you, made sure that there were no injuries to get in the way, and now you reject him?

“You know perfectly well that there are many ways a person can be injured. You’re the one who taught me that.”

Julian knew what they were talking about, what Tain was asking Elim to do. After Tain left his mark, he was now daring Elim to reassert himself.

“Elim?”

“Go back to sleep, Julian. I’ll take care of him.”

“You’re like a mother watching over a sick child, Elim.” Tain laughed.

“Perhaps you’re right. A sick child is what you’ve reduced him to! No offense, Julian. The sick usually recover and you’re not actually a child.”

“And you have to take time to make sure his feelings aren’t hurt!”

“I promised that I’d never hurt him and pride is a thing that can be wounded.”

Julian couldn’t go back to sleep in the midst of this argument. It concerned him and he had to be alert. But, he wasn’t afraid. He knew that Elim most likely wanted to have sex with him, to mark him again, but he wouldn’t. It didn’t matter that Julian was in good enough physical condition that it wouldn’t hurt. He wasn’t in a good place emotionally and Elim knew it. Elim’s feelings went beyond possessiveness. He truly cared about Julian, both his body and his feelings. Julian couldn’t remember if he’d ever felt so loved.

However, Tain wouldn’t be defied.

“Elim, I order you to take him.”

“I won’t rape him, Enabran.”

“You’ve never questioned my orders before. Exile has ruined you. I really should’ve just let you be executed.”

“Perhaps you should’ve. You’ve always wanted to kill me and I would’ve died for you. You taught me well, Father.”

“I thought I told you never to call me that!”

“You were just complaining about me disobeying your orders!”

“Elim, if you don’t take him, someone else will. Only another Cardassian would leave a mark. Perhaps I’ll give him to the Tal Shiar, a gift to celebrate our alliance. Romulans take twice as long to satisfy, Elim, and there are dozens of them who might want a turn.”

Elim held Julian tighter, bringing him closer. He wouldn’t let that happen. Julian knew he wouldn’t let that happen. But, now he had to choose between hurting him and letting him be hurt. There had to be a third way, but Julian couldn’t think of one.

“Make your choice, Elim.”

“Why are you doing this to me? I’ve returned to you. I’ve submitted to you, partially for his sake, and partially for Cardassia. I haven’t forgotten Cardassia. Why are you doing this to me?”

“I need to be certain that you’re not putting this Human boy above the state. If you want to keep him, you need to prove that he won’t make you forget your duty.”

“No. This isn’t about duty. It’s never been about duty with you. That’s what you’ve told me, but you lied. You’re still offended that I defied you with Palandine, and now you want to be sure that I won’t defy you with Julian. You’ll say that I defied Cardassia, but I don’t think that’s true anymore. You have a habit of saying ‘Cardassia’ when referring to yourself. You are not Cardassia, Enabran. You equate yourself to the state and its people as if you weren’t disgusting enough. You are not Cardassia. You’re a single Cardassian. I will never betray Cardassia, and if I value Julian above you, that’s not a betrayal.”

“A loyal Cardassian does not defy his family!”

“Oh, so now I’m family! It’s nice to know that you’ll acknowledge me as your son when it’s convenient for you!”

“I’m going to speak to the Tal Shiar.”

Julian decided that if it was his fate they were arguing about, he should be the one to choose. If it was inevitable, he’d choose the lesser of two evils and let himself be betrayed by someone he could trust to be gentle with him, at the very least.

“Elim…Elim, please. Just do it. You’re better than the Tal Shiar and Tain’s not going to stop. Please.”

Elim pulled Julian back to look him in the eye. Pain, guilt, grief, fear, anger, desperation, determination, love, but no pride could be seen in his eyes.

“Julian, I would kill every Romulan on this ship before I would even think of hurting you. I know that it may offend you, but that’s the way it is. Please, be calm and let me handle this.”

Julian planned to insist, but he didn’t want this any more than Elim did. He sighed and leaned back into his chest. Elim ran his fingers through his hair briefly before during back to Tain.

“Enabran, please. I’ll do anything to prove my loyalty as long as it doesn’t involve him.”

Tain actually seemed to consider it.

“I suppose there is one thing. Follow me outside and I’ll explain it to you.”

“I won’t leave him. I can’t trust you not to sick the Tal Shiar on him the second I turn my back.”

“Fine. Bring him with you. But, I’ll warn you that it won’t be pleasant for him to watch.”

Elim pulled Julian back again.

“Julian, will you risk this? Tain will most likely want me to do something you’d rather not see me do.”

“Then it’s his fault, not yours. I’ll go.”

Julian appreciated that Elim allowed him to make his own choice in this regard. 

Elim stood up, leading Julian with him, as if letting go of him for even a second could put him in danger.

“Alright. What do you want, Enabran?”

“I just want you to help me destroy the Founders. You were so kind as to bring one of them with you when you came here and he might be a useful source of information. Interrogate him, get whatever he knows, and if this mission succeeds, I’ll officially end your exile and you can return to Cardassia, taking your Human with you. The Federation won’t be kind to him. You can go home and keep your pet, as long as you can train him to behave for you.”

“Julian?”

Elim once again looked to him, getting permission to decide his fate. Julian didn’t have time to think about this major decision. It was possible that Cardassia would accept him for being a violation of Federation law. He already spoke Kardasi and he knew that Elim would help him. Someday, he’d want to return to his own people, of course, but he could accept temporary asylum. He nodded.

“Fine. You want me to interrogate Odo?”

Tain nodded.

“Yes, sir. Julian, I must warn you that this will offend all your Federation sensibilities and most likely be painful to watch, but it will get us home. I apologize in advance.”

“And I will try my best to forgive you.”

Tain led Elim and Julian from one room to another, where Julian would get a glimpse into what Elim was like before his exile.

And he knew he wouldn’t like it one bit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is an Improbable Cause/The Die Is Cast AU.
> 
> I've seen several fics that have a "What if Julian was there/What if Julian was there instead of Odo?" premise and this is my take on it. Garak still wants to return to Cardassia and I wanted that to still be part of his motivation, but with Julian physically present, he's less tempted, having planned to just return to DS9 until Tain offered to end his exile and take Julian with him. But, I want to make it clear that Garak/Cardassia is just as important as Garak/Julian.
> 
> I also hope I made it clear why Julian is willing to just go to Cardassia with Garak at this point. He's still afraid that Tain will reveal the truth about his genetic enhancements and feels that he'll be safer outside the Federation. I'm also a fan of the "Julian feels weirdly at home on Cardassia and eventually settles down with Garak there" plot. There just has to be a good reason to put him on the planet.


	23. The Interrogation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak does his best to follow Tain's orders. It's torture for everyone involved.
> 
> CW: This chapter adapts the torture of Odo in The Die Is Cast. There's nothing worse here than what was in the episode, but it was a disturbing scene to begin with.

Garak didn’t want to interrogate Odo. He didn’t want to interrogate anyone while Julian was watching. Cardassian interrogation techniques would definitely frighten him, and seeing Garak use them could put some strain on their relationship. But, even if Julian wasn’t there, he respected Odo more than any subject he’d ever had before his exile. Tain wasted no time in picking on him for his reluctance.

“What’s the matter, Elim? You used to look forward to interrogations. There were times when I had to hold you back, keep you from being too hard on your subjects. Don’t you remember?”

There had been interrogations that Garak had enjoyed. The minds of his subjects were puzzles for him to solve. He’d taken pride in his successes. But, though he was perfectly capable of doing so, he didn’t enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Much to his annoyance and secret embarrassment, Garak’s thoughts immediately turned to Julian again.

_“Great. Tain’s going to make him think I’m a monster and then I’ll have to prove him right!”_

He felt like a youth again, a schoolboy who only wanted to look his best in front of the beauty that surrounded him. Garak looked at Julian, who didn’t seem to be paying attention. He was demonstrating the Human skill for ignoring things one doesn’t understand or want to hear. Perhaps it was for the best. He was only protecting himself.

“I’m only concerned with how I’m supposed to interrogate someone who can change his shape. There’s no way to restrain him.”

“The Obsidian Order has been developing a device to get around that. My men are having it installed in the Changeling’s cell as we speak.”

“You’ve invented a device to prevent him from changing his shape? It won’t be long before he has to. I’m not certain exactly what happens if a Changeling stays in solid form for too long, but it might kill him, for all I know.”

“Then let’s hope you can get him to tell us what we need to know before he dies.”

Garak checked on Julian again. He was listening again, clearly, since he was looking at Tain in horror. Garak turned his attention back to Tain, but spoke to both.

“I’ll make sure it won’t come down to that.”

Inside the room that was being used as Odo’s cell, two Romulans were setting up the device that Tain had mentioned. There was a bucket next to Odo, reminding him of how much he’d want to revert to his liquid form. Tain left Garak alone with his subject and the two men who were apparently assigned to assist him. They both glared at Julian. They didn’t expect him to be there. Remembering Tain’s threats from before, Julian cringed, taking a step back towards the wall opposite from Odo. He stumbled and Garak moved quickly to catch him. The Romulans continued to glare.

“You may go now.” Garak told them.

The two men turned and left. Garak had no use for them, so all they’d be doing by remaining in the room was taking up space and frightening Julian, the latter of which was inevitable, but Garak wanted to make sure it happened no more than was necessary. He led Julian over towards the bed, which the room still contained despite Odo not needing it.

“Just sit here and wait. Look away if you can’t handle watching and keep quiet.”

Julian nodded. Odo snorted and spoke up.

“If I were you, I’d keep a guard in here. I’m not in a very good mood. Or do you think having Doctor Bashir here is enough to protect yourself if we have to fight?”

“Under normal circumstances, I would have cause for concern, knowing that you could strangle me from the other side of the room, but these aren’t normal circumstances. That device that was just activated is emitting a quantum stasis field, the key word being ‘stasis’. You won’t be able to change shape while the device is activated. Tell me…What will happen to you if can’t revert to a liquid?”

“I don’t know.”

“An honest answer. But, it’s probably safe to say that it won’t be pleasant.” 

“Garak, this is pointless. There’s nothing I can tell you about the Founders that you don’t already know.”

“When we arrived here, you were the one who suggested that you might know something.”

“I don’t think I should have to explain to you what a lie is.”

“But you might have to explain to me what that lie was for.”

“I offered to provide a diversion so that Mr. Devar might be able to help us, or at least to help Doctor Bashir and myself if you decide you’d rather stay with Enabran Tain.”

“If I stay here, Julian’s staying with me.”

“You’d would take him away from his life, his career, his friends, everything he’s ever known, just so you could return to Cardassia without having to leave him behind?”

“He agreed to it.”

“What choice did he have?”

“This interrogation is not about him. Now, I know you value your privacy. We’re a lot alike in that regard. There has to be something about the Founders that you haven’t told anyone, something you wouldn’t want Starfleet or Commander Sisko to know. Tell me what it is, Odo.”

“I have nothing to tell you.”

Garak took a deep breath and sat down in the chair next to the bed. He’d hoped that Odo would fold quickly, if only to spare Julian the sight of his suffering, but he knew the man was more stubborn than that.

“Maybe something will come to you. I can wait. The question is, can you?”

Time passed. Garak watched as Odo began to fall apart. He seemed to dry up, slowly crumbling into dust. It was clearly painful, but Odo didn’t scream or cry out, thinking he was denying Garak some sort of satisfaction. Garak wasn’t sure if this was something personal to Odo or if he really was just drawing the interrogation out to buy time.

Garak checked on Julian every few minutes. So far, he’d been still and quiet as Garak had asked, but it was clearly almost as painful for him as it was for Odo. Julian Bashir was a healer, motivated by compassion, by the desire to eliminate pain. It was completely against his nature to watch someone suffer and simply not react. Tain must’ve known that having Julian present during the interrogation would hurt him. It was the only way to hurt him that he could get away with. But, though Garak was required to hurt Odo, he wasn’t required to hurt Julian, so when he saw tears in his eyes, he turned to him, covering his hands with his own.

“Look away, Julian. You don’t need to see this.”

“Don’t do this, Elim.”

“If I don’t, Tain will most likely have Odo killed and hand you over to the Tal Shiar. This is the only way. I know it hurts. I don’t like it either, but there’s nothing I can do.”

“I don’t believe Odo knows anything.”

“Tain won’t accept that answer. Everyone knows something.”

Odo didn’t allow them a private conversation. If they switched to Kardasi, this is one of the reasons why Garak taught Julian the language, Odo would still be able to understand.

“What’s wrong, Garak? Aren’t you enjoying yourself?”

“There’s no pleasure in this for me Constable, I assure you. I’m simply doing my job.”

“Is it that you’re not enjoying the interrogation, or is it because you don’t want Doctor Bashir to think you are?”

Garak genuinely didn’t know the answer to that question. Had he enjoyed interrogations before his exile? Was it really just a matter of who was watching? Tain wanted him to do his work and he wanted to please Tain. He’d do a good job and Tain would be proud. Now, Julian didn’t want him to do this. He wanted to please Julian and he knew he was letting him down.

When Garak looked at Odo suffering, was he disturbed because of empathy for Odo, or because of empathy for Julian, who had empathy for Odo?

“Odo…just tell me what I want yo know and this will end.”

“But you don’t want it to end, do you, Garak? You’re enjoying it. Here you are, back at work, serving Cardassia, with a Starfleet doctor looking over your shoulder, doing nothing to stop it just because you told him to.”

“Leave him out of this!”

Odo tried to answer, but he was interrupted by a spasm of pain that made him fall forward. Without Julian doing anything more than gasping in surprise, Garak rose from his chair to help him. This was horrible. He was horrible. Though Odo remained defiant through the pain, Garak could feel himself beginning to break. He couldn’t give up. He couldn’t just end the interrogation. Tain would punish Julian for his failure. But, he’d be hurting Julian by continuing to do this. There were too many factors to consider. His head hurt, the ridges around his chufa throbbing with pain.

Everyone in the room was being tortured.

“Talk to me, Odo. Tell me something. Anything! Lie if you have to! But please give me something, if not for your sake, or for my sake, than for Julian’s. If I don’t give Tain something…Say it now, Odo. Please.”

It took everyone breaking, Julian crying in the corner, Odo nearly dead from dehydration, and Garak begging for it to stop. But, Odo finally spoke.

“Home…I want to go home…”

Julian got up from the bed and ran over to where Odo was lying on the floor. He was already acting like it was over, trying to be a good doctor for the broken man in front of him. Garak held up his hand and signaled for him to stay back.

“You will. I promise. When this is all over, I promise I’ll take you back to Deep Space Nine.”

“No…not the station…home…with my people…”

Julian was shocked.

“You ready want to go back to the Founders after all they’ve done?”

Julian hadn’t gotten over the Dominion simulation, even though nearly a year had passed. However, Garak understood what Odo was saying.

“They’re still my people…I tried to deny it…tried to forget…but I can’t…”

“No matter what they do to you or to anyone you care about, you can’t completely turn your back on them.”

“I’m one of them…and I want to be with them…in the Great Link.”

Julian went over to the device that prevent Odo from changing his shape.

“Elim. Please.”

Garak nodded and Julian deactivated the device. Odo immediately reverted to his liquid form and poured himself into the bucket.

Garak buried his face in his hands, exhausted and ashamed. He’d gotten Odo to confess to something, but it wasn’t information that Tain could use against the Founders. Garak had already known that Odo most likely knew nothing, but he’d humored his father just like he always had. Tain would still consider this a failure.

Julian seemed unaware of this. He didn’t appear to be afraid at all. He approached Elim and put his hand on his shoulder, a comforting gesture from a Human perspective.

“You did the right thing, Elim.”

“I’ve let you down, Julian. I have nothing that Tain can use. Do you understand what that means?”

“He said that if you interrogated Odo, he’d let you return to Cardassia and I’d be safe with you.”

“Only if I succeeded. Throughout all those years that I served him, I rarely ever failed him, but the Obsidian Order punishes failure very harshly. He’s made it clear with his threats that he’ll want to punish me through you. Do you understand now? Whatever he wants to do to you now, I can’t stop him.”

“I won’t blame you for it. You did your best.”

“How are you able to remain so calm?”

“Odo sent the other Devar, the one that’s not Ortek, to get help, didn’t he? We’ll be rescued soon.”

“Julian, it will take several days for Devar, his name is Narin Devar, by the way, to reach the station, get help, and get back here. It will be another twenty-six hours at least. That gives Tain and Ortek and the Tal Shiar plenty of time to have their way with you.”

“I know. I’m scared to death! But, it will end. You’ll help me and so will Parmak.”

“Parmak? He’s here?”

“Tain wants to keep an eye on him.”

“I’d be careful around Parmak if I were you. I doubt he’s particularly happy with me.”

“He’s forgiven you, Elim. He was there for me after Tain…did what he did. He’s not dangerous.”

“That means we have an ally around here somewhere.”

“We’re going to need all the help we can get.”

Garak was certain that nothing short of an army would be able to help them now.


	24. The Coup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian thinks he's hallucinating when an army of Obsidian Order agents hijack Tain's ship and mission. He isn't.
> 
> CW: If chapter 20 was why the Non-Con Warning was used, this chapter is the Graphic Depictions of Violence Warning. It's not extremely graphic, but there's discussion of torture (and quite a bit of medical horror) occurring and mention of an exploding Changeling. Also, this chapter ends in a very tense cliffhanger

Julian had no idea how much time had passed since he was confined to his cell. He knew that Tain had been keeping Elim busy with his plans to destroy the home planet of the Founders. He wasn’t even going to bother to be horrified with Tain’s ambitions. Genocide didn’t seem like much of a stretch for him.

From what Julian could tell, Elim had developed a habit of questioning or downright disobeyed orders. Whenever that happened, Tain brought him back to the torture chamber to see what Ortek, or whatever Romulan had been assigned to him, had thought to do to him.

He hadn’t been raped. Ortek was forbidden from doing so and the Tal Shiar actually seemed to be pretty disinterested. When it was their turn, they usually turned to Tain for instructions. These moments made Julian thankful that Ortek wasn’t particularly creative. He usually just zapped him with a pain implant in his chest. Tain knew Julian’s weaknesses and had found unique ways of making him suffer.

When Julian was brought into the chamber, he’d expected a suspension rack. Instead, there was what appeared to be a hospital bed. There were three thick, black straps lying across the white mattress. He’d seen a bed just like it before. It was a long time ago, but he remembered it very clearly, even though his memory hadn’t been enhanced yet. Julian panicked at the sight of it. He didn’t want to go back there. Still, the Romulans overpowered him, even with his enhanced strength, and he was strapped down again.

Julian knew now that the drugs and machines and surgeries on Adigeon Prime were being used with a purpose other than causing him pain. The aches were side effects, nothing more. But Tain was trying to hurt him. That was the point. Being strapped down and injected brought back the memories of Adigeon Prime, but whatever they were injecting him with was designed for torture, to inflict as much pain as possible without doing unrepairable damage. 

Sometimes it was seizures, sometimes it was hallucinations, sometimes it was poison that made him sick, and sometimes it just seemed to burn through his veins. After a while, he stopped being aware of his surroundings. He knew that Elim was there sometimes, unable to do anything but watch from wherever Tain had placed him, but he could hear his voice sometimes. He called Tain and Ortek a wide variety of obscene Cardassian insults. In the moments where there were no drugs in his system, Parmak would often show up. He’d inspect him and give him normal hyposprays of painkillers and antidotes. He would try to soothe him, coax him back to reality from waking nightmares, but he’d always have to leave and then it would begin all over again.

It could’ve been only a few hours, for all he knew. Some of it might not have even been real. He could’ve lived a decade within a single second. There reached a point when the only thing he was aware of, other than the pain, of course, was that Elim was somewhere nearby and he wanted him. He needed him. Julian wasn’t sure what he needed Elim to do, or what Elim could do about this situation, but just having him there would make everything better.

Julian had no idea how it happened, but something changed. When he heard what sounded like a transporter, phaser and disruptor blasts, and arguments shouted in Romulan, he thought it was some sort of hallucination. Tain must’ve had someone drug him while he was asleep. He knew better than to trust his own eyes and ears when he saw Cardassians that weren’t Ortek, Parmak, Elim, or Tain. There was a woman there. She looked familiar but Julian was too far gone to know where he’d seen her before. She was with a man. He looked to be around Elim’s age and had an abnormally slender build for a Cardassian, at least compared to the others that Julian had seen. The two strangers were speaking Kardasi and Julian used all of him mental strength to follow the conversation.

“Is this the Human from your report, Nal?”

“Yes. It’s definitely him, though his skin looked darker on the station.”

“Poor health can affect Human skin color.”

“What are we going to do with him?”

“Nothing yet. We still don’t have control over the ship.”

“Then shouldn’t we be out there gaining control?”

“I wanted to briefly confirm that the Human was still alive. It’s for Elim’s sake. He’ll cooperate with us if he knows we’re not going to kill him.”

When he heard Elim’s name, his first name, implying that the man knew him well, Julian struggled against the strap across his chest to get enough air into his lungs to speak.

“You…you know…”

Speaking Kardasi hurt his throat, but Julian thought it might be better received. He’d sound like one of their own. He got the woman’s attention and she spoke to him in Standard.

“Don’t speak. There isn’t time.”

“Where’s Elim?”

“I told you not to speak.”

“Nal, don’t.” 

The man clearly had some power over the woman, or he at least had her respect. Julian knew that Nal was a first name, so they also knew each other very well.

“Rest, Doctor. We’ll return when we’ve decided what to do with you.”

And then they were gone.

Julian heard the sounds of chaos and slaughter as the Obsidian Order replaced the Tal Shiar. He hoped that they also killed Tain while deciding to spare Elim, for whatever reason.

They had the leader of the Tal Shiar, Lovok, under their power. Julian heard what sounded like Odo when he changed shape, followed by sounds of shock and confusion.

“He’s a Changeling!”

“Was this all some Dominion plot?”

“Tain wanted to destroy the planet of the Founders and Lovok offered to help. This whole thing was a trap!”

“Then we’re going home. This was a waste of time.”

“How will we dispose of the Changeling?”

“There’s a device that can keep him from changing form. It’ll kill him eventually. Garak brought a Changeling prisoner when he came here, so we can take care of him too.”

“We still have a few others to consider. There’s Tain, Garak, and the Human.”

“Tain’s been a dead man since he retired. We can just send Garak and his Human back to the station they came from. They’ll stay out of our way.”

“Devar?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Where did the Changeling go?”

“Slet!”

Julian knew where the Changeling was. He’d broken into his cell. He went over to a table near the bed and picked up a syringe and a vial of liquid.

“You are the reason our mission was a failure. I was discovered by men who came here because of you. You’ll soon be responsible for the deaths of two Changelings. As a threat to the Dominion, I can’t allow you to live.”

Julian struggled against his restraints, knowing that it would be pointless but needing to do something. He’s brought down Enabran Tain, but now it would cost him his life.

“There are many things in this room that I could use to kill you, but I find this one interesting. This acidic solution will most likely dissolve your skin, muscles, and bones, leaving behind only blood. You'll become a liquid. You should consider it an honor.”

And then the door was thrown open.

“Surrender, Changeling.”

It was the man from before. Julian didn’t know why he was bothering to protect him. It was probably more about stopping the Changeling. He ran into the room, Ortek following him. He was the one who knew the layout of the ship, so the stranger, who appeared to be the leader of the defecting Order members, was apparently keeping him close to serve as a guide.

The two men charged at the Changeling, who turned towards them, armed with a syringe. He stabbed the man, the leader, but he missed his neck. The needle was briefly imbedded in the side of his face, not entering his bloodstream to be spread, but it still burned the skin around the sight of the injection. Julian closed his eyes to avoid seeing the effects of it. The leader screamed and collapsed. This was shortly followed by the sound of a disruptor firing and an explosion of goo splattering the floor. Julian remembered a similar thing happening when he shot Odo in the mirror universe. He knew that his decision to avoid looking was the correct one.

Julian opened his eyes and saw Ortek helping the other man to his feet. He was covering his face, but he’d survived the attack and was able to leave the room to seek out help. But, now Julian was alone with Ortek, who stormed over to the table and hit the button to activate his pain implant. It lasted only a split second. It was just to attract his attention. Ortek approached the bed, bringing the activation device with him, a look of rage and primal hunger in his eyes.

“Tain wouldn’t let me have you. Lok wouldn’t let me have you. But, Dukat said I could have you. He’s the one I answered to before he made that deal with Tain. So, I’m not disobeying the orders of my true superior.”

The implant was activated again. Julian screamed. The fire in his chest had to be doing damage to his heart. Ortek intended to kill him.

But not yet. The implant was switched off and Ortek came even closer. Julian tried to think of anything but the madman standing over him.

That’s when he heard the voice. Elim’s voice. He was talking to Parmak, telling him about the condition of the man Ortek had called Lok. Julian felt rough scales against his skin, too sensitive from the drugs and injections. 

If he could hear Elim, then Elim could hear him. Just in case, he screamed at the top of his lungs.

"ELIM!!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Cameos!
> 
> But seriously: I'll spoil my own work by saying that Ortek is going to die in the next chapter and everything's going to be okay.


	25. A State of Pure Instinct

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elim saves the day, but he seems to lose his grip on reality. Julian follows shortly after. 
> 
> CW: Descriptions of some of the injuries Julian sustained during torture, none of which could be described as "gory", but it's not exactly pleasant either.

“ELIM!!!”

Garak had been talking to Parmak when he heard that scream. Julian’s voice. How could he have possibly forgotten? He’d been wasting time sorting out the affairs of this coup, making deals with Pythas, reassuring him that he had no interest in taking over the Obsidian Order. That was Tain’s plan for him. He should’ve been spending that time, all those moments of chaos, freeing Julian.

And now his Julian was screaming for him.

His Julian.

His.

Garak felt like he was slipping into some sort of trance, while at the same time becoming more alert than he’d ever been in his life. It was how the old legends described it. 

Rakret H’ssti’er.

Garak let the feeling consume him. It would save Julian’s life. He remembered Narin’s words:

_“I couldn’t protect my Toras, but you could protect your Bashir.”_

Garak no longer felt like a civilized person, trained by the state to control himself. He was like the creatures that lived in the swamps of ancient Cardassia. He recognized the cry of his mate and he had to answer.

Running through corridors. His Julian called out for him again before being silenced by The Enemy. He found the right door and entered the code. It was a miracle that he still remembered it.

Tasting the air. There was his Julian’s scent, mixed with the scent of The Enemy. He could smell alien blood. He ran towards the scents and screams. The Enemy blocked his Julian from his view. He grabbed him by the throat. The Enemy struggled but Garak was stronger. He snapped his neck and dropped the corpse to the floor.

The threat had been eliminated, but his Julian was still wounded. His cries were quiet now. They weren’t the alarms that brought Garak to him. They were whimpering sounds of pain. Garak examined him. The mark he tasted on his so’c didn’t match The Enemy he’d just killed. He’d reached his Julian in time. The blood was from bite and claw marks, extra visual markings that meant nothing. But they weren’t supposed to bleed. The Enemy had been too forceful.

His Julian was shaking, overwhelmed with adrenaline. There were tears in his eyes. He was restrained and struggling. Garak removed the restraints and his Julian curled into a defensive ball. He didn’t want the visual marks to be seen. Even though Garak had come for him and eliminated the threat, he was still frightened. Garak took him into his arms, remembering what had comforted him before.

His Julian still sobbed, making more pain and fear sounds. His heart was beating too fast. Garak put his hand on his chest, trying to avoid the marks there. He could feel the outline of an implant. He could feel that it was active. His Julian was simply too tired to scream.

Garak felt around for the activation device, found it, and shut the implant off. His Julian’s heart rate began to slow. Then it became too slow. The strain was too much. But, he wasn’t dying. Not yet. His pulse remained a bit too slow, but it was steady. The pain sounds had stopped. His Julian was unconscious.

Garak picked up his Julian, holding him close to his chest, wishing that he could share his heartbeat with him and give him strength. He hurried, looking for an escape. He had to get home. His Julian could rest there undisturbed.

Everything around Garak disappeared. He was on a different ship now. He’d been there before. It was a little ship, a runabout. There were two others there. He couldn’t remember anything, but he knew that they’d met before. They were not Enemies. They wouldn’t hurt his Julian.

The Other Cardassian moved closer. He tried to touch his Julian. Garak wouldn’t allow it. He was injured. No one could touch him. The Other Cardassian seemed confused at first, but he seemed to give it some thought, and then he understood. He nodded and stepped back. He turned to the Alien Other and spoke to him. Garak couldn’t hear their words. He could hear his Julian’s breathing and his heartbeat, but the rest of the world had fallen silent.

Garak found a place where he could lay his Julian down. His soft skin felt cold. Garak laid down next to him, pulled him close again, tried to cover him, give him warmth. He saw all the bruises on his neck and arms. He had to be careful with him until the bruises healed. The Other Cardassian handed him a blanket. That was good. It would warm his Julian without putting pressure on his bruises. He covered him in the blanket and watched over him. The Others might try to disturb him and he couldn’t allow that.

For hours, Garak watched over his Julian as he rested. Occasionally, one of The Others would come too close and he’d hiss at them. A warning to stay away. The Alien Other was confused by this, but Garak couldn’t explain. He didn’t have words right now. 

…

Julian woke up and saw that he was on a runabout. He could feel that there was someone sitting next to him, placed between him and the rest of the world, and he didn’t need to look to know who that was. He could vaguely remember that Elim had saved him from Ortek, but Ortek had activated his implant just before he arrived, probably hoping to kill him before Elim could get to him, and that made him lose consciousness.

As he became more alert, Julian’s memory became a bit clearer. That Changeling had tried to kill him, but some Cardassian named Lok came in and distracted him. Lok killed the Changeling but was wounded in the process and had to leave to seek medical attention. Ortek approached, muttering to himself about Tain and Lok and Dukat. He activated his implant a few times and Julian screamed for Elim. Ortek climbed on top of him and he screamed again, but Ortek covered his mouth with one of his hands. Another activation of the implant had the pain overloading his mind. He wasn’t really aware of what Ortek was doing, only that there was a heavy weight over him, when that weight was suddenly lifted. He heard a rough snapping sound and a body being tossed to the floor.

Julian wasn’t completely sure who was touching him before his implant was turned off. He was freed from his restraints and held by someone who felt solid and familiar. When the fog of pain was cleared from his brain, he was aware that it had to be Elim. But, he felt distant, too far away. Julian wanted to hear his voice, but Elim didn’t say anything. It would’ve been soothing to hear him. Even now, he was completely silent, watching the other two passengers aboard the runabout.

“Elim?”

Elim turned to face Julian so quickly that it startled him. He remained silent, acknowledging Julian by stroking his face. The other passengers also turned around. Julian recognized Odo as one of them.

“Doctor Bashir. You’re awake.”

Julian looked at the other passenger, a Cardassian. He looked a lot like Ortek, enough to unnerve him. Elim noticed Julian’s nervous twitching and responded by taking hold of his shoulders, putting weight on them, but not holding them down. This wasn’t a comforting gesture to a Cardassian, nor to most Humans, as far as Julian knew, but it helped him. Had he ever told Elim that? How could he have guessed?

Julian briefly locked eyes with the Cardassian that resembled Ortek. He clearly wasn’t. His eyes were much darker than Ortek’s. The name “Narin” appeared in his mind. Narin was the good one, the one who went to help him.

“Welcome back, Doctor. I know I must’ve made a terrible first impression.”

“It’s alright. Elim told me the truth. Some of it, anyway. You’re name is Narin Devar, Ortek is, or was, your brother, and you saved us.”

“I didn’t save you alone. Kelas helped, Lok helped, even you helped.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’ll explain later. Right now, you need to rest. My brother nearly gave you a heart attack, among so many other things. How much can you remember?”

“Not very much.”

“I don’t know very much of what he did, so I can’t jog your memory, I’m afraid.”

Julian turned to Elim. He’d been there. He knew.

“What about you, Elim? What did you see?”

Elim continued to say nothing, just placing a finger over Julian’s lips, silently ordering him to be silent.

“Elim’s not very talkative right now. It’s Rakret H’ssti’er. He’ll probably be back to normal once we get back to the station.”

The Need to Protect Always. It didn’t translate into Standard very well. Elim had never told him about any specific need, but he had used similar language to say that he’d always protect him. He’d have to ask him about it later. Like most Kardasi phrases, Rakret H’ssti’er seemed to mean more than the literal translation implied.

…

His Julian was awake and speaking to The Others. He trusted them, despite his vulnerable state. His mate had a trusting nature, making the universe a very dangerous place for him. The universe was full of traps and things made to destroy gentle, generous, trusting people. As a lone man, Garak looked down upon “weak” men. But, he’d learned that things weren’t always so simple. His Julian wasn’t weak. He was a young member of a physically delicate species. Said species had become great diplomats because they’d learned how to use their softer nature to their advantage. As a healer, someone with knowledge that could save lives and the determination to do so, his Julian was strong. He was strong, clever, beautiful, kind, and brave, but very vulnerable. He was a beast with sharp fangs and claws but a thin hide, capable of doing a lot to the universe, but also being easily damaged by it.

The Other Cardassian frightened him at first. He resembled The Enemy. It was only a visual resemblance, but his Julian lacked a so’c and his sense of smell was quite weak. His Julian’s kind were mainly dependent on sight and sound. Their hearing was far greater than Cardassian. Their soft flesh also made them quite sensitive to touch, to pain, to pleasure, and to so many other things. His Julian was soothed by touch to his arms, shoulders, and back. Right now, Garak didn’t want to move him to reach his back and his arms were covered in bruises. His shoulders were alright. Garak figured out how to touch them in a way that seemed to stabilize his Julian. His anxious movements stilled and he just started talking to the Other Cardassian. So very trusting…

Time passed. By the time they reached the station, his Julian was asleep again. Garak had a sense that there was some sort of trouble that he’d missed. The bruises on his Julian’s arms and neck were all quite small. There were puncture wounds at the center of each one. They were marks from syringes, old-fashioned hypodermic needles, injected roughly. The straps that had been used to restrain his Julian had left three red lines across his torso from when he’d struggled against these forced injections. His Julian’s legs hadn’t been restrained, but he never tried to move them, so they may have been immobilized through some other method. Garak felt foolish for not examining them earlier. He’d been focused on observing his Julian’s face, remaining aware of his emotional state.

Garak gently pulled the blanket aside, but only the part that covered his Julian’s legs. He wanted to keep him covered as much as possible, to keep him warm. There were a few bruises, though they didn’t resemble the ones on his upper half. They weren’t from injections. They were larger, created by blows from a blunt object. The bruises were darkest at the knees and the skin of the lower legs had a grayish quality, as if blood wasn’t properly circulating there. It was clear that bones had been broken or joints dislocated to immobilize him, but he hadn’t reacted in pain because it was most likely done in such a way that he could no longer feel them. His Julian could lose one or both of his legs if something wasn’t done. If his Julian had been Cardassian, Garak would’ve had enough anatomical knowledge to repair some of the damage, but he didn’t know nearly as much of aliens as he did of his own kind. Bajorans were probably similar to his Julian, but he hadn’t actually been taught that much about them. He’d only spent a year anywhere near Bajor during the occupation and Dukat hadn’t assigned him to interrogate anyone.

Just as they were beamed back onto the station, his Julian started twitching in his arms again. Even in his sleep, he made soft cries of pain. Some of those injections had been given fairly recently. Garak had learned how to identify the age of bruises on mammals like Bajorans and Humans by color. There were some puncture wounds where the skin around them had only just started to turn red. They were so recent that it was likely that Ortek might’ve given the injections shortly before Garak had killed him. There were unknown drugs, possibly poisons, wreaking havoc in his Julian’s bloodstream. The injuries were so much worse than he’d thought. His Julian might be dying.

He had to get him home. The tricorder there would tell him what he was dealing with. If the poison was developed by the Obsidian Order, Garak probably had or could produce an antidote. They were almost home now. He had to hurry.

…

“Julian! What the hell happened to him?”

“He’s been held prisoner by the former head of the Obsidian Order for several days.”

“Father, where’s Mr. Garak going?”

“What?!”

“Odo, what’s going on?”

“You’d better ask Mr. Devar, Major. I don’t understand any of it.”

“I’ll explain the details later, but I know where he’s going. In a state of pure instinct like Rakret H’ssti’er, Garak will want to retreat to his own territory when threatened.”

“That would mean either his shop or his quarters.”

“Quarters. It’s more private.”

“Chief O’Brien, beam us there immediately.”

“Yes, sir.”

…

Julian was awake again, though he really wished that he wasn’t. While he was distracted by his pain implant, Ortek must’ve slipped him one of the nastier drugs that’d been used on him. He was going into painful convulsions, his heart was pounding again, and he could barely breath. With every breath he took, all he could think to do was repeat Elim’s name.

They were back in their quarters now. Elim had placed Julian on the bed and had given him a hypospray that made the convulsions slightly less painful, but did nothing to stop them. Perhaps it would take a while for the drug to fully take effect, just like the one it was counteracting. Elim sat beside him and held one of his shaking hands, lacing their fingers together.

“Elim…talk to me. Please. I need to hear you.”

Elim seemed to be struggling with the words, but before he could successfully say anything, the door was thrown open. Commander Sisko, Jadzia, Kira, Odo, and Narin Devar were all crowded into the doorway. Elim turned his head and snarled at them while climbing onto the bed, covering Julian without touching him, shielding his body.

“Julian!” Jadzia called for him, trying to run to him, but Narin stopped her.

“Allow me, Lieutenant.”

Narin slowly approached the bed. He said something to Elim, but Julian couldn’t hear it. His ears were ringing. He felt weightless, like he was lost in space, just drifting. Most of his body was numb now, but he was aware enough of his arms to reach out, grabbing onto Elim, his anchor will he drifted.

Something pulled at Elim. They were drifting apart. Not wanting to spiral away into nothingness without something to hold onto, he reached out, holding on as tightly as he could. Elim held on too, even tighter, his arms encircling him so he couldn’t float away. Safe. Sturdy. Warm.

And then there were hands everywhere, touching Elim, touching him, grabbing and pulling. Julian didn’t want them. He struggled, vaguely aware that it hurt to do so, but he had to hold on to his anchor. He didn’t know what would happen to him if he didn’t. He was dying, clinging to life. Panic. Delirium. Dread.

Something happened and Elim began to feel heavier against him, though his grip loosened. Then he was gone. Julian was lost now, pulled by the current out to sea, drowning. He couldn’t breathe. He reached towards the empty space around him, only partially aware from the feeling in his throat that he was screaming. One of the hands, not Elim’s, was touching his neck. They were going to poison him again. He tried to kick, but his legs wouldn’t move. A loud hiss drowned out the ringing in his ears.

And then everything was still. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've heard people talking about writing entire, long stories, to justify wanting to write a single scene. Garak killing Ortek and saving Julian was That Scene for this fic. I hope it doesn't disappoint.


	26. Different Realities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Multiple perspectives of the aftermath of Garak's experience of Rakret H'ssti'er. Julian's still not entirely in his right mind. Garak, though able to communicate again, is as focused on Julian as he was before. Benjamin Sisko and Jadzia Dax, having had very little to do with these events, reflect on what they've seen.
> 
> CW: Julian has a few unpleasant flashbacks

Julian woke up in the infirmary, surrounded by Bajoran doctors and nurses. Commander Sisko was watching from a distance. Miles and Jadzia were also nearby.

But where was Elim?

Was he in a cell? They couldn’t put him in a cell. It’d be torture for him!

Torture. Julian remembered a lot of that. It was why he ached all over. He could feel his legs again and they were on fire. Did the doctors not notice that he was awake? That he was in pain? The biobed reminded him of the hospital bed from before. The one with the straps. He struggled, checking to make sure that he wasn’t strapped down. He couldn’t feel any straps, but it was hard to move. It hurt! He was scared, confused, dizzy. Had the drug not worn off yet? Maybe this was all a dream and he was still strapped to that bed. Maybe Ortek would come for him, or a Romulan whose name he didn’t know, holding his head down and turning his neck to pierce his throat with yet another needle full of poison.

He needed to get out of there.

…

Sometimes Benjamin Sisko had a hard time remembering that his senior staff were all adults, professionals at their jobs, and not slightly bigger incarnations of Jake.

It varied from person to person. He’d known Dax as an old man, so he sometimes forgot how young Jadzia was. Chief O’Brien was around his age and had a family of his own. Major Kira and Doctor Bashir were the vulnerable ones, the youngest two. Jadzia had over three hundred years of Dax in her mind, but the Major and the Doctor had only lived single lives. Kira’s life had been full of suffering and uncertainty that made her seemed hardened, but she was just very good at hiding her pain, expressing it through anger.

But, Doctor Bashir seemed innocent. Benjamin didn’t believe that his life had been perfect up until his arrival on Deep Space Nine, that he’d never suffered at all. But, whatever he’d gone through was his own business. He wasn’t a counselor, so he didn’t expect Bashir to talk to him. But, whatever his life had been, he acted his age, sometimes a bit younger. He remembered when Bashir was nervous about attracting the attention of Garak. He didn’t understand why he’d been chosen as Garak’s Federation contact. Benjamin was unable to confirm it at the time, but it seemed to him that Garak was simply fond of the young man, for whatever reason, and had decided to use him as a go-between to unofficially contact the Federation after he’d introduced himself.

Benjamin knew he’d been correct. Bashir was nervous around Garak at first, but he willingly sought out his company. He was curious about this shady character, someone who’d lived a life of adventure. Garak taught him things, helped him gain some political savvy, and Bashir, after knowing Garak for about a year, seemed almost desperate to please him, doing whatever he was told, not without question, but despite it.

But, it wasn’t until the Dominion simulation that Benjamin realized just how strong his feelings were. He recognized Bashir’s behavior when he thought Garak had been killed. He’d been there before, existed there, according to the Prophets. After that, Benjamin noticed that the two spent even more time together than normal. It became perfectly clear what’d happened between the two of them. Dax had mentioned that Bashir seemed to never be in his own quarters and Chief O’Brien had mentioned an incident where Garak made quite a scene over Bashir falling ill under suspicious circumstances. These feelings, not just of fascination or playful fondness, but true, committed, affection, were shared between them.

It was an open secret that Garak and Bashir were lovers. They never said anything, so no one said anything. They clearly wanted it to be kept private and Bashir’s ability to do his job had not been compromised, so as far as Benjamin was concerned, it was their business and not his.

So, he wasn’t completely surprised when Bashir, still under the influence of some sort of drug, struggled and called out a name that Benjamin had never heard before in his panic. Dax, as perceptive as she always was, quickly turned and left the infirmary. Benjamin could guess that she was going to fetch Garak, who’d been confined to his quarters.

…

Garak awoke to find Narin in his quarters, apparently guarding him. Julian wasn’t there.

“Before you ask, your Bashir’s in the infirmary. If you were in your right mind, you would’ve taken him there.”

“They don’t know what they’re dealing with. Even if I was ‘in my right mind’, as you say, I would’ve brought him here. The Obsidian Order rarely uses poisons that it didn’t create. They’re not in the infirmary records, but I know them when I see them.”

“Garak?”

Garak didn’t expect Lieutenant Dax to pay him a visit, but there she was, right outside his door. Narin got up and opened it for her. He seemed to believe that she had something worth saying.

“Ms. Dax. I must admit that this is a bit of a surprise.”

“Julian keeps calling for you.”

Garak had expected that. He hadn’t expected someone to imply that he was allowed to answer.

“Then I must go to him immediately. But, I need to get something first. I wish I’d been able to tell you before, but I was able to identify the drugs that Julian had been injected with shortly before I rescued him. Ortek used two different drugs. I was able to counteract the first before I was interrupted, but I had to wait for it to take effect before administering the second antidote. The first drug was a poison that affects the muscles, including the diaphragm, causing them to spasm painfully. Ortek didn’t give him a lethal dose, but I wasn’t going to just let him suffer until the effects wore off.”

“But the other drug is still in his system?”

“I’m afraid so. It takes a very long time to wear off. It’s a drug designed produce hallucinations and increase anxiety. There are implants and devices that do this, but they’re easier to deactivate than a drug. It’s a fairly new development. However, there’s an antidote that can reverse the effects in a matter of minutes instead of hours. Like with all Obsidian Order drugs and poisons, I keep a few hyposprays of the antidote around for emergencies such as this one.”

“I wish you could’ve told us this earlier.”

“So do I. Now, let’s get going.”

…

Jadzia was curious to see where this was all going. The relationship between Garak and Julian did not surprise her. On the day they first met, when Julian ran around Ops, obviously thrilled that “the spy” had talked to him, she knew it’d happen eventually. She was thankful for it. After a few years, she’d come to enjoy Julian’s company, but back then, he was a bit of a pest. He was obsessed with her and she couldn’t get him to understand that she just wasn’t interested and he wouldn’t be able to change that. She knew he wasn’t dangerous, he wouldn’t hurt anyone, but it was annoying. When he started to become more obsessed with Garak than he was with her, it was a relief. 

What did surprise her was how intense their relationship was. From what Jadzia had observed, Julian had a short attention span when it came to relationships, traveling from bed to bed quite casually, no matter how much he talked about being passionately in love with his latest one-night stand. But he’d become genuinely devoted to Garak. It was very sweet and a sign that he was maturing, becoming able to commit

But all of that wasn’t really important at the moment. Jadzia wanted to see what would happen when Garak and Julian were reunited.

Julian had been sedated shortly after he started struggling, but the sedative had already worn off. The massive amounts of adrenaline that this drug must’ve been unleashing were keeping him alert. He’d gone back to screaming for “Elim”, a name Jadzia didn’t know, but she’d been able to guess that Julian was referring to Garak. Garak somewhat violently pushed aside the doctors and nurses that were trying to stop Julian from struggling.

“Let him go. He was strapped to a bed for over twenty-six hours. Do you think he wants to be restrained after that?”

“Elim! Elim…”

A shout followed by a whimper. Garak approached Julian and grabbed his hands, lacing their fingers together in the way Cardassian couples often did. Julian stopped struggling, but his breathing was still frantic and he was babbling.

“Elim! It’s happening again. Take me away from here. I can’t stand it anymore!”

“Julian, please listen. You’re safe now. Ortek gave you a drug that’s making you upset. I have the antidote for it. I can make it stop. But, I’ll have to give you a hypospray and you’ll need to hold still for that. It won’t hurt. I promised that I’d never hurt you. Now, can you tilt your head back for me so I can help you?”

Julian nodded and complied. Garak gave him the hypospray and Julian almost immediately began to relax. Garak kissed the spot on Julian’s neck where the hypo had just been and Julian sighed in relief and contentment.

“There. You’ll be alright now. You were very good. Now, you have other injuries that your infirmary staff are more than capable of treating, but you must let them. If I had any doubt about their intentions or capabilities, I wouldn’t let them near you. Just relax now. Try to sleep it off.”

Garak had let go of one of Julian’s hands to give him the hypo, but he’d kept holding on to the other. Julian squeezed the hand holding his, gripping tightly enough that Garak winced.

“Stay. Don’t let go.”

“I’ll be right here, Julian. I’m not going anywhere. Now, close your eyes and try to rest.”

No one made any attempt to remove Garak from the infirmary. He’d proved that he was useful in keeping Julian still and calm while they healed him. Even without the drug, he’d gone through a very traumatic experience and it would take him a while before he’d be able to interact with the world normally. Until then, Garak would be the only person he’d really respond to. 

…

Elim had saved him again. Julian heard him tell the doctors to let him go. He talked to him. Julian could finally hear his voice. He made the pain and the fear go away and stayed by his side. Before the drug fully faded, Julian saw three things at once. He’d been three places at once. Two of them, only nightmares, ghosts, faded away. Only the third, which he now knew was the truth, the present, remained.

In his panicked delusions, Julian had been in that cell with Ortek and the Tal Shiar, being drugged and poisoned and shocked over and over. He’d tried to kick Ortek the first time he came too close. Two Romulans held his legs down. A third took the syringe for Ortek and nearly broke Julian’s neck turning his head to the side to inject him with something that burned worse than the implant. He almost didn’t feel the blows when Ortek struck his knees with some sort of hammer, but he did feel them, a slightly sharper pain over the burn of everything else.

And then Elim was there. He killed Ortek and the three Romulans, removed Julian’s restraints, whispered to him and stroked his hair until he was calm enough to tilt his head back and accept a hypo that made the pain stop.

At the same, he had a much older nightmare. It was the week before his seventh birthday. His parents had left him in a hospital on a strange planet. Three nurses had to hold him down to strap him to the bed. The doctor give him a shot that made everything flash. His head hurt. He couldn’t stop shaking. The world was moving too fast and everything was too loud and nobody seemed to care. They’d leave him alone like this sometimes.

And then Elim was there too. He’d come to take him home, to someplace better than home, safer, quiet. No one would yell at him there. No one would leave him alone in dark rooms or on planets that he didn’t know.

Of course, he’d also been aware of being in the infirmary on Deep Space Nine, but he’d thought that reality was the dream. Elim came and placed him the best of those three worlds, where the people around him weren’t trying to torture him or to change him, warp him into something he wasn’t. This was the reality where people really were just trying to help him and didn’t mean him any harm. And, if they harmed him by accident, someone would be there to fix it.

When he fell back asleep, drifting off from the sedative qualities of the antidote, he looked forward to waking up in this world tomorrow. It was a world where he actually stood a chance.


	27. The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian, Garak, and Narin make it clear to each other exactly what happened on Tain's ship, to the best of their ability.

It was a week before Julian was allowed to return to work. For the next few months, he would have to meet with a counselor once a week, despite Elim’s protests that what happened in the Gamma Quadrant should remain a personal matter. Julian knew that Garak’s intent was to protect him from the memories. Julian knew that hiding from them wouldn’t make them go away.

Miles, Jadzia, Narin, and even Major Kira all took turns visiting him in the infirmary. Mursa painted a picture as a gift for both Elim and Julian. It was a beautiful combination of colors that almost remained inside the lines of two circles.

“The red is Cardassia’s sun, the yellow is Earth’s sun, this is all sand color for the Cardassian deserts, and all the blue and green are for Earth’s oceans and forests. The gray spikes are Mr. Garak and these brown lines are Doctor Bashir.”

Julian thought it was really sweet that the gray and brown that Mursa had chosen were actually silver and gold.

The picture was a mess of colors and patterns with very few images that were obviously people or things. The ones that were supposed to be didn’t quite resemble what Mursa said they were. No one complained. Narin said that Mursa had been studying abstract art styles that better suited her talents and Kira said that Mursa was a better artist than she was at her age. Julian thought of something to compare it to.

“There are cultures on Earth that don’t believe in representative art, drawing pictures to look like real things and people. Their art is all about patterns. I could show you some pictures, if you like.”

Julian’s aunt had taken him to a museum on Earth full of paintings and pictures of buildings and structures decorated in these patterns. He wasn’t really interested in them, but they looked nice and Mursa clearly loved them.

Everyone had questions about Julian and Elim’s relationship and what’d happened while Julian was imprisoned by Enabran Tain. Odo and Narin both worked to discourage the more invasive questions. No one should have to describe in detail how they were tortured. Nobody seemed to aim any questions at Elim, either assuming that the answers would be lies or just not being comfortable conversing with him as if he was one of their own.

Julian had a few questions of his own. What exactly happened while he was tied to that bed? What happened to Tain and to everyone else involved? Eventually, once Julian was cleared to leave the infirmary and was resting in his quarters with nothing to do, Narin dropped by to fill in the gaps, to the best of his ability.

“I admit most of it confuses me just as much as it does you. My brother was never officially a member of the Obsidian Order. He was Dukat’s pet monster that he kept on a leash to be used against enemies he thought deserved it. He basically loaned him to the Obsidian Order when he found out that Garak had taken a male lover.”

“Dukat prefers women normally.” Elim added, “And if he did go for a man, he’d have to be Cardassian. The anatomy of Bajoran and Human males is far too different from that of any woman he’s ever been with.”

“How do you know this?” Julian questioned, not sure whether to laugh or not.

“If he’s had enough kanar he’ll tell anyone anything, as long as it's not politically valuable. It’s a great source of entertainment at parties.”

“I don’t think I actually want to know.”

Narin continued:

“Ortek had no reason to care who was in charge of the Obsidian Order, but Tain wouldn’t give him something he wanted, and our parents spoiled him terribly, so he just had to destroy anyone who denied him anything. When you revealed the secret of Garak’s parentage, Julian, he saw an opportunity. He’d take down Tain and convince his replacement to give him what he wanted. But, Ortek wasn’t the one who tipped off the Obsidian Order.”

“If it wasn’t him, who else could it have possibly been?”

“Kelas found out. Either you told him and don’t remember it, or he eavesdropped. After years of helping me keep Mursa alive, Kelas and I have become very good friends. We’ve had plenty of time over the years to find ways to communicate in secret. He sent a message to Deep Space Nine in a code language we created, combining Old Bajoran with Ancient Hebitian. I decided not to let Garak know about the information I had. I reported it, not all of it, but some of it, to Constable Odo. I had information that would convince a good amount of the Obsidian Order to help us. He let me tag along on the mission to the Gamma Quadrant. I gave him a message for Kelas, telling him to prepare to beam aboard a team of Obsidian Order agents and how he’d be able to do so. In turn, Odo gave me an opportunity to leave on the runabout to go to Cardassia and track down the people I’d need. Tain would expect me to return here to get help, so the men he sent after me had no idea where I was going and went in the wrong direction.”

Elim had a question of his own:

“Why didn’t anyone think to alert me about any of this?”

“If you’d known there was a plan in place, you would’ve been focused on that, on waiting for the Order to arrive. You’d know how to work the transporter better than Kelas did. You’d want to have things done efficiently and you wouldn’t have been as focused on Julian. I thought he’d feel safer and be at less risk if you were there for him. Perhaps it was selfish of me. I don’t know.”

“Anyway, I contacted someone familiar with both Tain and the Obsidian Order’s hide-outs. She was reluctant to do anything that would betray Tain, so I had to promise that he wouldn’t be killed. She was willing to help me after that when she knew her son was at stake.”

“Mila?”

“Her role was fairly minor. She just helped me get in touch with Pythas Lok.”

“Pythas was the head of the Obsidian Order before Tain came out of retirement.”, Elim explained to Julian.

“Lok wasn’t actually upset with Tain. He just wanted to know where this story came from, so he indulged the desire for mutiny among a few others so that he could investigate. He had no trouble following the instruction that Tain was to be captured alive, though his men protested.”

“Tain’s still alive?”, Julian asked, surprised by how disappointed he was by someone not being murdered.

“He should be. Lok said he planned to take him somewhere where he wouldn’t be found and wouldn’t be able to escape from. I doubt he would’ve told me if I'd asked.”

Elim added the next part of the story:

“Tain had created an alliance with the Tal Shiar to seek out and destroy the home planet of the Founders, not knowing that the Founders had infiltrated and taken over the Tal Shiar. The Order discovered the plot completely by accident. Lovok didn’t bleed when he was wounded. I had virtually nothing to do with the fight, mostly just shooting down Tal Shiar that tried to attack me. Pythas seemed to have told his men not to harm me, which I’d like to think was out of respect for an old friend, but there was probably some other, better reason.”

“An old friend?”

“We went to school and investigated an alliance between powerful families together.”

Julian felt strangely jealous, despite being unable to think of any rational reason to be. He said nothing about this and let Elim continue.

“Anyway, Pythas went to me in the midst of the chaos to confirm that I was, in fact, literally the Son of Tain. I simply told him that whether I was or whether I wasn’t, I had no interest in taking control of the Obsidian Order. I had people other than myself to consider. There’s a reason why Tain never married or had any legitimate children: The more important someone is, the more likely they are to lose family members to an enemy. After what’d already happened, I didn’t want to put any more targets or your back, Julian. I even asked Pythas to look for you and confirm that you were still alive. He brought along Nal Dejar, who’d visited the station and seen your face before, to confirm your identity.”

“I thought I was hallucinating when I saw two Cardassians, a man and a woman. He mentioned that you’d cooperate with them if you knew that they didn’t intend to kill me.”

“And then he came back to me and said that you were alive, though you appeared to be in poor health. I wanted to discuss that in greater detail, but the chaos over the discovery of the Changeling created a diversion. I also had to concern myself with Odo, knowing that there were still plans to kill him as well. Narin arrived slightly later than his army, but when he arrived, I got Odo onto the runabout.”

“The other Changeling didn’t know that. He planned to kill me for the deaths of both Odo and himself.”

“From what Pythas told me after the fact, he and Ortek went in pursuit of the Changeling and found him about to kill you. He regretting not just shooting him in the back, but he wasn’t confident that a disruptor could kill a Founder from a distance. He didn’t know much about them.”

“No one does. If you don’t know what happened there, the Changeling was going to inject me with some sort of acid to kill me, but when Lok showed up, he turned on him with needle. He stabbed him in the cheek with needle, not getting the poison into any veins, so it just burned through the area around the sight of the injection.”

“And he came running out of the room with half his face appearing to be melting. The sight was so disturbing, seeing a friend in such agony, that I was completely focused on getting medical attention for him and didn’t notice that he’d left Ortek alone with you. I doubt he intended to do it.”

“Ortek said that Lok wouldn’t allow him to have me.”

“There was no point. Disciplined Cardassian soldiers and Obsidian Order agents shouldn’t run around making casual conquests, wasting time on sadistic pleasure. Lok has higher standards of discipline than most. Even Tain said that an interrogator must have control over his state of mind, and using rape lets lust cloud one’s judgement.”

“Tain didn’t seem to object to it on any moral principles.”

“I don’t think he has any real moral principles, to be honest. Ortek however, he lacked even pragmatism. He’s like Gul Dukat without any of his intelligence. He was very easy to subdue and kill.”

“It’s strange. Even with people I’ve hated before, when they died, I felt at least a little bit bad for them. But now…I don't exactly rejoice in the fact that Ortek’s dead, but…I just feel nothing. I don’t like feeling this way.”

“It’s not in your nature. Were you expecting me to congratulate you on toughening up?”

“Yes, actually.”

“I do congratulate you, but I understand that this isn’t all positive. As I said, it’s not in your nature to be apathetic towards suffering and death and it hurts you. It’s only happening because someone pushed you so far that it broke your mind. Something has been gained in some sense, but something has definitely been lost.”

“What’s going to happen to me now, Elim? I feel like I’m going to go mad!”

“You’re not going to go mad. I won’t let you. No matter what happens, I won’t lose you.”

“You can’t control this. You can’t keep me from having nightmares or feeling sick for no reason. Every day, when I wake up, before I open my eyes, I worry for a split second that I’ll be back in that cell. I feel like I’m being a child, being a burden on you. You have your own problems to worry about. What if I can’t recover fast enough to give you your life back?”

“Rakret H’ssti’er doesn’t occur in someone who doesn’t want to look after someone. If anything, you should be worried that I might not give _you your_ life back. You know, there’s a very old poem about Rakret H’ssti’er. It’s more of a pledge really. If someone is capable of entering that state for another, they might recite it to them. Would you like to hear it?”

Julian nodded. Narin left to give the pair some privacy. This was clearly a very personal matter.”

“Just to make sure that the words are absolutely clear, I’m going to say each line in Kardasi, and then I want you to repeat it back in Standard, to make sure you understand what I’m saying.”

“Okay. I think I can do that.”

“Nu ka odo tascerd’U.”

“I will deny you nothing.”

“Betbar he’betbre”

“From pride and from pain.”

“HoCha perin he’pe’ve”

“Despite guilt and grief.”

“Ka nu bramik he’nu gamik.”

“You are my fear and my fury.”

“Sufad’fer’em he’sufed’urm’em.”

“With desperation and with determination.”

“Nu ka nu zIraik haz’I.”

“I give you my love.”

“Tasces jaka plesajuq’U.”

“No one will rise above you.”

“Tasces ka bre’U”

“No one will hurt you.”

“Nu ka kret h’ssti’er”

“I need to protect you always.”

Elim took Julian into his arms and kissed him. He could never be sure when it came to him, but this time, he was. Julian knew for certain that Elim was telling the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to make up a lot of the Kardasi for the final poem:
> 
> Tascerd: Not Allow (deny)  
> Bar: Pride  
> Bre: Pain/Hurt/Harm (can be noun or verb)  
> Perin: Guilt/Shame/Regret  
> Pe’ve: Grief/Loss  
> Bram: Fear  
> Gam: Anger/Violent Passion  
> Ad’fer: Desperate/Longing  
> Ed’urm: Determined/Focused/Stubborn/Resolved  
> ‘Em: Suffix meaning “state of mind”  
> Plesajuq: Rise up (Literally: Go upright)
> 
> Further Notes:
> 
> I have some ideas for sequel fics sit in this 'verse. The one covering events of season 4 has several ideas for it:
> 
> 1\. Julian recovers from the Tain Incident
> 
> 2\. Garak, from a combination of paranoia and jealousy, starts to believe that O'Brien is bad for Julian in some way.
> 
> 3\. Kira, Garak, and Narin all conspire to get Ziyal away from Dukat, all wanting to be the replacement parent in a sense.


End file.
